The caving sinking feeling,is back. its back and i cant handle it anymore. they were supposed to get better. they were supposed to be looking up…but im falling back down again, back into the darkness, back into the misery that never ends. And now its back…its like a relapse….and i know this time theres no coming out. i know this time its it. i know this time i wont fail.
It’s been quite a long time since I’ve been on here,
Life still continues to pass me by. I met a girl who I have been involved with for around 9 months now.
I have learnt a lot about her.. Heck I even love her. I didn’t think I would meet anyone again at least not after the relationship I was in prior..
She’s changed from the girl I originally met back in December. She isn’t the girl I fell in love with..
She dismisses my feelings like they are just disposable. She’s sent my heart into a deep abyss, of darkness, anger and hate.
I have so much uncertainty […]
Well, today school got too much for me and I made myself sick so I got to go home. When I was sitting with my mum, we got onto the topic of suicide somehow, (she doesn’t know I’m suicidal) and she said that people who commit suicide are selfish. Do you know how much that stabbed me? I can only think of what she would think if I ever plucked up the courage to do it.
But in my view, not that it matters, people who commit suicide aren’t selfish at all. They’re miserable, and they’re trapped. They need an out and they find one. If […]
Okay so my kind of suicidal is more like hours of disgusting contemplation over the most gruesome way to kill myself. But I’m not always suicidal, I am usually a very happy person. This feeling is only ensued when….I even get angry typing it out…..when my parents mention marrying me off. And I’m only ******* seventeen and I’m still a junior in high school (I started school late). I get extremely angry and my head starts throbbing (I can even hear it beating), and my body starts shaking like crazy. I go to an empty room and cry my heart and eyes out. I think […]
I am surrounded by darkness its hands always reach for me and caputre me… i cant escape… theres no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel i used to believe there was a way out but now i see that there isnt… i no longer run from all the pain i feel,i let it overtake me because im
these pills have made me into a zombie:
numb
dead
cold.
I can’t speak,
I can’t move,
I can’t cry.
I just stare and wish someone would talk to me,
force me to open my mouth, my eyes.
This constant fear and darkness isn’t what life is supposed to be, I want to give up.
I’m terrified. And I feel completely alone.
I have not hurt myself since January and I have been on the right path not to, but I somehow can’t seem to hold it together lately. My anxiety has increased. My insomnia has increased. Even my fucking smoking has increased. Chainsmoking. Bad. But I use all of these things – my nerves, my lack of sleep, my bad habits – as scapegoats to escape what’s really bothering me. And the thing is, I think I know what’s bothering me but I’d rather not even say it out loud or even think about it, so I store it somewhere […]
I wait for the night. Tears flood my eyes when the sun sings silently as it bows down to the distant horizon. Darkness erases the crimson sky and casts forth a glitter of brilliant light. The night sky’s iridescent perfection. My body is weightless in their presence. But nothing lasts. Even the stars cannot defy death.
Surrender to the dark.
Nature is simple in its complexity. Pure. Flawless. Even in its destruction, it’s perfect. Most people see fires and tornadoes and floods as something to fear and hate, but I see something to admire. Nature does not mourn loss, nor does it fear renewal. No regrets.
We should […]
13.7 billion years ago. something strange began to happen.??? There was a big bang & then Tiny parts of the universe became conscious. One of these’s part’s was called Donnie. & he was pissed. Why did donnie get. Life. I.E self-awareness. For.? If i was enjoyin it. cool. Maybe i would understand it. Ok why was i made self-aware for. Just to have a rubbish life. Then off my self & lapse back into unconsciousness.? It’s just my fate. to spend an eternity in darknesss. Then To have a shitty brief flash of self-awareness. Then slip back into an eternity of darkness. Once more. How […]
Another new day, to some there is so much hope, so much promise. I envy those who have so much feeling. To me, there is nothing, it is all just empty and numb. Do these people not realize that life is just a rat race? Nothing more and nothing less, pretty cut and dry. People say it’s the little things in life that make it worth living. What happens when you see past that though? When the little things no longer offer a shred of happiness? Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I deserve these feelings of hope, and happiness. However, it’s nothing more […]
as the blackness blankets this side of the world
fear creeps into my mind
my nightlight dosent protect me
from the monster in my head
he only comes at night
when everyone is asleep
to feed his guilty pleasure
he creeps upon me
i feel him at the end of my bed
coming from underneath
i know not to scream
or ill find a pillow taking my last breath
i pretend to be asleep
 close my eyes as tight as i could
soon it would be over
and […]
I have had 3 suicides in my life. My father , his father, and then my uncle. I was only 8 at the time. It has effected me in every single way. I was in depression.. I used to have a severe phobia of dying and i will admit i also used to have suicidal thoughts, but I found something that I hang on to and that is helping people. I try to show people the light when they are consumed in darkness. I am everyones friend no matter what anyone went through or whatever mistakes they’ve made. I dont shut people out because I […]
Alone in the darkness, I ask myself if tonight is my last. But I take a picture to remind myself that if anyone can find the beauty in this life of hopelessness and guilt and heartache, it’s me. So I stare into the face of sadness and instead of looking for flaws, I look for elegance. Sometimes pain masks the grace in each of us, but sometimes, if we look hard enough, pain reveals it.
How strange it will seem when I’m gone. When you no longer see the light in my smile, nor feel my arms wrapped tight around you, nor my heartbeat against your chest, nor the taste of my lips, because I have to go away. It may not be today or tomorrow, but someday my hand, that was once outstretched and desperately looking for something to hold onto, will fall limp and slowly fade away into the darkness. I often wonder how long it will be before you notice that I am gone. How long until you feel the effect of my absence… if at all.
I will never forget this as long as I live. I was 17, I’m almost 21 now, and I was taking a shower one Sunday night. It was June 7, 2009. Two days after my prom, and a month after my boyfriend, who I was madly in love with, broke up with me. I was numb. I stood underneath the water and kept raising the temperature high and higher, burning myself with scalding hot water. I felt like my whole body was withering away, and the pain was magical. I felt as if i could finally feel something again other than darkness and eternal agony.
I […]
I’m falling into the darkness
Falling so very fast
I dont know what to do
I have no one to ask
No one cares
And if they do they don’t say
I have lost everyone
Everything important to me
So I have made up my mind
Everything isn’t worth all these tears
So tonight while I’m home alone
I’m going to take all the pills I saved
Chase it with something strong
I’m going to end it
While there is no one here to save me
To night I will take my last breath and be done
When they find me
It will be to […]
Crying alone
Curled up in a ball
No one there to comfort you, no one at all
You sit their waiting
All you want is to be loved
As you cut yourself gently
You sore like a dove.
The joy comes at a price
As you slice
You’re loosing part of yourself
To the darkness in your head
As the monsters grow stronger
You grow weak
And feel sleepy
You close your eyes
To take a short nap
As your parents walk in
And scream
As they see there precious baby
Covered in blood shivering on the floor
They call an ambulance
But your far to gone
And finally you’re […]
When it is dark out, no longer light
She will move quickly through the night
Silently, swiftly taking her own life
In a darkness so deep she can’t see the knife
In the moments beofre, recalling memories of crud
She silently cries teardrops of blood
And when she has finally taken her last breath
Her soul will be silently, peacefully at rest
I can’t seem to get myself to do the simplest things. I am wading through life fighting against this current that tells me it would be better if I just left this plane and stop wasting resources. I feel ashamed constantly and I can’t shake off this feeling that the future is hopeless. I am disoriented. I want to get better, I’ve done therapy, meds, drugs, and yet this heaviness, this emptiness still lingers. Even with some of the ups I’ve had this monster of a feeling is ready and waiting to take me back into the darkness.
I’m stuck between wanting to break free and […]
I honestly have no idea how I am, who I am or what I’m doing. It’s difficult to have your whole family think you’re an attention seeker because you cut yourself and because you’re depressed and were suicidal. It hurts so much to let people you care about so much down. I hate myself more then anything ever. It’s so hard. When I say it’s so hard I hate myself more for being so weak and pathetic. I’m 16. I have grown up bullied, hit and at one point I was sexually assaulted which I very rarely talk about. I have a boyfriend now, his […]