So I woke up another morning. I saw my therapist this morning and told her nothing of my plans to kill myself or how bad the urge has gotten. How much I think about death. That I don’t see myself making it another month. What’s the point in counseling?? You can’t be honest…you tell them that you want to die and you will be thrown in a mental hospital which in my experience does nothing but make you wanna cut more and wanna die. I’ve done what I was supposed to do..i got “help”, I take the medicine everyday and I do all the coping exercises they give me. I still want to die. It controls my thoughts…I’m living for death. That’s no way to live. Why do I keep backing out of my plan to kill myself and end this misery? I have no idea. Why did I wake up this morning to feel the same thing as yesterday. Hopeless, miserable, worthless, lifeless, and pain. I take it one day at a time…. I can’t bring myself to make the promise to make it through today. In the back of my mind I know that I’m too much of a fucking coward to do it which makes me hate myself more. I wish I could just get it over with. I need to get it OVER with. This life has nothing for me and I have nothing to offer it.
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Have you considered ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)?
I’m in your boat. A lot of the time I feel like I should kill myself that very day. I’ve bought two shotguns for this purpose, loaded with slug. One for in the mouth, pointed up (to sever the spine where it enters the brain) and the other to fire into my eye. If I survive that, shit, it just wasn’t meant to be. Also, I’ve got two half-done suicide notes to send the people I love. So, believe me, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from.
But sometimes I still don’t feel like I have the right to hurt everyone like that if I haven’t tried most everything, and I still haven’t tried ECT yet. Google it. Educate yourself. Find out if it’s worth one more roll of the dice. There really are a lot of people and doctors out there saying that ECT will kick the ass of ANY medication insofar as curing you goes.
I don’t mean to be the one to dangle YET ANOTHER false hope. The next person who does that to me is going to run the real risk of getting my fist in their face. And it’s not like there aren’t people out there saying how ECT screwed them up even worse. But if you’ve got friends and loved ones who love you back, please at least think about it.
Daniel
Yeah my friends and family are the ONLY reason that I haven’t. The thought of them finding me dead is too much for me to take. I wish I could just disappear instead of leaving behind a body for them to find. Although me being here like this hurts them too. THey hate that I’m depressed and cut myself. They worry constantly. I don’t know which is more selfish killing myself or staying here. Nothing seems right
My brother died 3 years ago to this day. Not suicide, but that’s not the point. The point is that since then I’ve felt the same… Hopeless, miserable, worthless, lifeless. The reason why I choose to push is because I know I will work through my demons and be a better me one day. I created an account to reply to you. I know I don’t have any real words of wisdom or much to offer, but I just want to say just keep fighting. You will never know what you could have done, and I guarantee you it’s a lot more than you think you’re capable of. Just keep fighting. God bless.
Thank you. I really appreciate your words!!
You have made it this far and should be proud of yourself for two reasons; firstly for being brave enough to seek help and secondly for having the resolve to last this long.
Sometimes it seems like there is no end in sight. Month after month of the same crap and no sign of improvement. But there will be a time when the outlook appears less gloomy. There will also be a number of setbacks along the way. If you give up now then it all the good work you have done so far will be undone.
There may never be a time when you are fully content with yourself or environment. It’s is realistic to accept this and then use it as a starting point to better things.
Thank you!
You’re welcome. Don’t worry about anything. It’s ok to lose hope. We all do but you don’t have anything to be ashamed of because the answers are not as straightforward as they are for everyone else. Trial and error can be frustrating.
Hey, sug. Glad you made it in today.
Yep. I told you I would!
Hi Exhausted, I DO ‘get’ where you’re coming from, have often felt like that myself and I just want to echo the others in saying, please hang in there for one more day…Zx
@ blsdaniel: its funny I have also written out a few suicide note but for me I probably written close to 20 different version of that letter. It’s kinda hard to say fuck the world & some “family/friends” and express some remorse on one page. Funny
Yes, one of things I most worry about is that, by killing myself, I might just “pass on” my depression to some of them. I’m sure there would be a number of people who would be sad were I to die, but what about those who just get depressed and stay that way because of what I did.
That’s why, not to harp on a point but to try to make a real, useable suggestion, I keep bringing up ECT. Anti-depressants, near as I can tell, have about a 30% of fixing you up permanently, while ECT has a roughly 70% long-term success rate. Ask your psych doc what he/she can knows about this option.
😀 I hoped you would be. Kinda nice to NOT have the rug pulled out from under me for once!
No to be all sappy but promising you Id e on here today gave me something to stick Around for. Its strange the small things people do can change your focus! I appreciate you talking to me last night!!
No problem. And yeah, I do know how the little stuff can change things.
I have a list of “Stuff to do…if I don’t off myself first,” lol. Some of it is really stupid crap, like growing out my nails (never been able to, I always bite ’em off) or training a cat to fetch. But just having that list kinda helps. I’ll pull it out once in a while and tell myself, “Okay, you can kick the bucket after you get to #50,” or just laugh at some of the weird stuff I put on there, like the Jello wrestling flash mob in front of the courthouse. (If you ever hear of a Jello wrestling flash mob…that was my idea, lol.)
jello wrestling???? Count me in.
When and where?
🙂
Haha I love it!! Everybody should have a list like that!!
Dunno yet. It’s #52 on the list, lol. If I ever make it that far, though…you okay with a bikini and a V mask?
In my home town there’s a wall where everyone has written in chalk the one think they hope to do before they die. There are some really strange requests.
I’ll take a photo of it tomorrow.
😀 That would be awesome! Post us a pic!