Losing my mind…

I’ve tried everything to get better. Meds, therapy, at least 7 hospital stays, vitamins, diet, ECT…10 years i’ve been in this hell! My last episode has lasted all of this year and most of last year, without a break!! I’m never happy for longer than half a day at a time and that happens very rarely (maybe once a month). I’ve been suicidal for over 7 months since my ECT treatment failed to help me. I’ve seen over 8 psychiatrists and none have helped. My current doctor’s only suggestion was to come off meds entirely (cause they do nothing) and find a new therapist. That’s it. No quick fix, nothing. So now i’m supposed to just hope for the best that therapy can save me even though i’ve tried it for 10 years? And everybody knows therapy takes time, a lot of time to work. I don’t have time! I’m dying every day! I have no hope and when you lose hope you stop trying then stop living. I haven’t been living for at least a year. I’m just a zombie going through the motions, surviving for those who love me (which are very few). I can’t stop worrying for a second, i can’t sleep, eat, leave the house…i have panic attacks all the time, cry for hours and think of all the ways i can kill myself. I hate being alive and i think i’m losing my mind…there’s only so much a human can take before cracking, and i’m very close to cracking. I’m just waiting for it to happen then hopefully this nightmare will come to an end…