“i cant change even if i tried even if i wanted to”

my mom and i made up i guess. she started bitching at me after i helped her with video taping something and she told me that she is relieved im leaving. idk it hurt that she thinks that im such a bad person and im really trying… today i started talking about stuff with my friends mom that i used to be really close to. its the first time seeing her in ages. it felt good to talk to someone but i think somehow she knew i was lying about being better and she looked worried when i told her i took myself off my meds. i wish i couldve talked to her more but i could tell my friend didnt want to talk about it. but she dosent realize you cant just forget about the past. you will never heal. you have to embrace it and then you can heal. she just hates talking about anything involving real emotions. i wont talk to her about my shit because she has not once sat me down and given me a hug and said anything vaguely similar to how ive put myself out to her… im starting to have random crying outbursts again. i think its from holding everything in. maybe i need to start cutting again. god i havent since the end of last weeks anf when i saw the blood dripping down my legs and soaking through my shorts i actually smiled a little. then i was pissed because ive been doing so well with not cutting.  i guess i just have to take one day at a time.