i turned fourteen ten days ago.
Erased (Isle of Solitude)
“I want to go to an island that has no pain or sadness.”
(Length: 1m, 5s)
Sorry for being one big otaku, talking a lot about anime and games and stuff. ^^; But it’s all still sort of relevant, as their pretty dark and sad… Plus one user (Agnostic Angel I think) was talking about Celeste and put the “Fun and Interesting” tag to it, so I thought I would to. :p
Who knows, maybe you’ll find all the things I share like a hurt/comfort fic, and I can help all of you find something nice to get into. ^^;
Anyways, I’ll probably do a lot more in the future… though I feel pretty anxious and numbed out right now, I’m kind of scared of said future and don’t really know what to do for fun anymore… I just wish I wasn’t lonely and had friends… but for those who are enemies, I also kind of feel like this, the girl in this scene…
Anyways, I was going to quote the whole thing too for the hell of it. :p
“”The Town Without Me”, by Kayo Hinazuki. When I get bigger, big enough to go somewhere by myself, I want to go to a land that’s far away. I want to go to a faraway island. I want to go to an island that has no people. I want to go to an island that has no pain or sadness. There are no adults, children, classmates, teachers or my mom on that island. On that island, I can climb a tree when I want to climb, swim in the sea when I want to swim, and sleep when I want to sleep. On the island, I think about the town that I left behind. Kids go to school, as if nothing has changed. Adults go to the office, as if nothing has changed. Mom eats, as if nothing has changed. When I think about the town without me, I feel a sense of relief. I want to go far, far away.”
Oyasumi (Goodnight) Punpun
(Manga by Inio Asano)
(Demographic: Seinen (18+))
So like, there’s this really good yet depressing and utterly nihilistic manga called Oysasumi Punpun… yet it’s BECAUSE it’s depressing that I also find it extremely relatable and can’t keep my mind off of it, no matter how soul crushing it can be at times…
In fact, the level of despair in this manga is so relatable at times, it’s actually kind of scary. o.O
I even got two physical copies of omnibuses even after reading the whole story last month, I think I finished on like June 10 or something…
I’d love to put down all sorts of stuff about this manga, but I don’t want to ramble or spoil too much…
You can find it on places like kissmanga or mangareader. :p
Anyways, here’s probably the most relevant part(s) I can think of right now.
(Murder Confession Tape)
“At this moment, I must make a very grave confession to you. I have just… killed my entire family. It’s not that I had any problems with my family life… In fact, I think you could say that I’m grateful to them…”
“My father devoted the majority of his life to work, and my mother to the education and upbringing of her children. My sister is marrying a public servant next month… But I want you to think hard. It looks like a perfect, happy household, but that’s just a front. Sickness, accidents, disasters, betrayal… Only God can tell you when you’ll pick a card of misfortune. In his retirement year, my father told me, “Now I’ll enjoy my second life.” It was afterward that he learned he had cancer. Fighting to hold on to a small kernel of hope and fortune that can buck you off at any moment – can you really call that happiness?”
“I couldn’t stand to see it anymore… Everything became so sad to me… so I killed them… It was the release of their souls. I want to say… that my actions were a form of love… But… But Still…”
“My father comes to me every night… In my dreams… staring at me with such sadness… Did I make a mistake? Is this just guilt? … I don’t understand… I must do something. I must express myself through dance… Three, Four!! I-Don’t-Un-der-STAND! I-Don’t-Un-der-STAND! I-Don’t-Under-Stand, HEY! I-Don’t-Un-Der-STAND!”
“(Music Note) I-Don’t-Un-Der-STAND! I-Don’t-Un-Der-STAND! (Music Note) (X2) … No, (dang) it! You’re not supposed to dance along with me!! Look, I can’t take it anymore… By exposing this crime to the world, I want to ask everyone just what happiness truly is.”
“I’ve hidden all three bodies in the old unused miso factory on the outskirts of the main K-Town Drive. There’s also an amount of cash equivalent to the courage to find it… So I want you to find their bodies and tell the media. By the time you’ve seen this video, I will have left a will behind and departed from this world… I’m expecting much of your courage and curiosity…”
(While doing homework at night and listening to a strange radio station.)
“(…) At this time, Punpun was studying very hard. There was no real reason why, it just seemed to help calm him down. Maybe he’ll study extra extra hard, enter Tokyo University, and then become a nuclear physicist of a secret underground organization…
“And then he’d destroy mankind… Hahaha! Just kidding! What a funny child!! Hi, I’m a 7th Grade male student. Due to domestic violence, my parents have divorced and my mom drinks all the time now. And at night, I hear my uncle have sex with his girlfriend in the room beside mine. I have no dreams and I have no girlfriend. How should I live on from now? From, a listener with the alias “Angel Pie”.”
“Even though it should be Spring soon, winds cold enough to freeze a town over, were still blowing throughout the night.”
“But Spring will still definitely come. There’s no such thing as a never-ending Winter. Punpun thought to himself that if today was a tough day, that a tomorrow filled with joy would be waiting. If not tomorrow, then next week. If not next week, then next month. If not next month, then next year. But happy times were sure to come again… that’s what he wanted to believe.”
“… But that was just his wish like fantasy… but so what? In any case, that was it for today. Goodnight, Punpun.”
“Humans are free. Although we can’t fly through the skies all alone, if we can think it, we can do almost anything. We can sleep when we’re sleepy. We are free to start or stop anything whenever we wish. Of course, it is a bit hindered by common sense, moralities, and the rules of society.”
“Walking nude out in the streets, stealing from the eldery, and even killing, we can do all of this as long as we throw out our morals. Which is why they drill these laws in our head when we are children. And yet people continue to fight, deceive, and steal from each other. And so, people suffer because they live. Even now, there are events of happiness and unhappiness going on all over the world… What can we do to make everyone happy?”
“Of course, that’s impossible for me to know. If the answer to that could be found in the shallow wisdoms of a kid, wars would have stopped long ago. After all, a great person is just one who follows the popular will of the people. In this world, the essence of a frank honest human is just an idealization. I’m sure that there’s nothing that can make everyone happy. Happiness is relative. And that’s how people want it. Evil is also relative. Mothers can become demons when they do anything to protect their child. Yet it’s usually seen as admirable. But when a person does anything for the country he loves, wars break out. Isn’t it all the same thing?”
“No matter how much a person pretends to be good and kind, he will still have negative aspects. But no one really tries to notice that fact. Why is that? They all try to place the blame on others, and never even consider the possibility that they themselves may have played part in the problem. (…)”
Punpun: “(…) I wonder when it was… that I realized talking with God was merely talking to my own self.”
sometimes, i feel like i’m dead already.
life, is dead already.
i don’t feel fully alive, sometimes.
my two favourite youtubers are on tour together. yeah, so…
last night, i went to one of their shows.
it was so fun and so incredible.
it might’ve been one of the best nights of my life, if not the best.
each and everyday is a part of my history, a history that will be with me forever. unfortunately, i know that forever, i am going to look back on these years of my life and all i’m going to see will be an ugly kid with mental illnesses and no friends, just, wasting her life away. i want my history, i want my past, present, and future, to be happy, i want to do something worthwhile rather than just doing this wasting. uhm, yeah… this is not really what i imagined my life would be like.
hm. i love when my kitten lays and cuddles with me. i love my kitten and i love cuddles with him.
the sky looked nice tonight. i saw the moon for the first time in a while. there were a few stars. the shade of blue was difficult to describe, it was deep, but, not black. like… navy, maybe. it made me feel some type of way.
hey. today is friday the 13th. but, it doesn’t make much of a difference, since all days of life for me hold a significant amount of bad luck and misfortune.
how the hell is it already april?
i’m so scared.
my life is like broken glass.
I turned eighteen almost a month ago, and I had been in a remission type deal from my Major depressive Disorder for about six months. Until last week. I feel no motivation to do anything. It takes so much effort to take a shower at night, I went from taking full showers at night, to half showers (standing in the corner of the tub and just washing my hair), and then to saying “I’ll just take one in the morning” and end up allowing all three of my alarms to go off and hopping in the shower to wash my hair five minutes before I have to leave for school. Throughout my depression, getting out of bed had never been an issue except for twice, and for this last week it has been a struggle every single day. I am truly frustrated. I have been admitted in a hospital before; I was fifteen, it was my sophomore year and I was self harming. Now is a different story. I feel so down. My depression is purely episodic and lasts for months on end. I’m supposed to graduate high school at the end of next month and start college in August, and I was planning to work all summer. But now, I’m not so sure. This depression right now is so bad that when I try and focus in school, the words I’m hearing from my teacher’s mouths just muffles and my thoughts block the actual words I’m hearing out (if that makes any sense at all). I can’t focus, I can’t do my work, I can’t even do anything without getting pissed. I’ve been on four or five different meds and I’m probably on my sixth therapist in two and a half years. I’m just struggling with my everyday tasks, everything is overwhelming me and sometimes I think the only way out would be to end it all. I have all the hospital information worked out, I have already prepared a psychiatric advance directive and so I know where I want to go if I do, I would just like to sort out other personal affairs before going. I don’t know if I should but I really really want to…. Is that bad? I’m tired of worrying about depression episodes all of the time. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m also currently on Effexor ER, Adderall ER, and in biweekly therapy. What do I do?
So I have always hated my birthday and it’s coming up next week. I see a lot of birthday posts on here and thought I’d add mine. For the first 15 years of my life I celebrated my birthday with the birthday of the man who was molesting me, we ate cake together, laughed, played and… other stuff. For the next 15 years I prayed for my own death and even attempted it with one serious attempt that left me with broken bones… BUT last year was good even though I struggled and this year even though I am struggling I think it will be a better birthday than the first 15 years or even the second 15 years. SO the big 32 for me will be a landmark in my life, right? And I won’t commit suicide on my birthday, right? I could rant all day but I don’t want to burden anyone, I just want to leave a hopeful message out there tonight because I feel like we could all use a little hope. Yesterday I felt like I could take my own life and today is a better day. It DOES get better, there ARE good moments. My niece sat in my lap and giggled uncontrollably tonight and that makes me glad I didn’t off myself yesterday. Lets make more good moments.
I don’t remember what those words referred to yesterday but I know its Depressing more like begging than a request
I needed help, and no one was there
I needed someone
Once I found her
She was the only person that was there when no one else was
You come home from another shit day at school. The bullying, the classes youâ€™re failing, the loneliness. Youâ€™re sick of everything. You walk into the lounge room and slump onto your couch. Your little brother sits happily next to you, smiling at the cartoons on the TV. He turns around and asks how your day at school went. You say everything was â€˜fineâ€™. Blatant lie. He says thatâ€™s good and goes back to watching cartoons. You lean over to his cheek and give him a kiss. He turns to you again and says â€œWhat was that for?â€ You smile and say I love you. You grab your school bag and walk upstairs; still keeping an eye on your brother who smiles as you walk up the stairs. You go into the bathroom and stare in the mirror. You bend down and wash your face. You canâ€™t wash the ugly away. You grab a towel with your stumpy hands and dry your face. You leave the bathroom and walk into your bedroom. The posters of perfect people like Jennifer Lawrence, Beyonce, Megan Fox and Miley Cyrus stare back at you; Their perfect bodies, perfect smile, perfect life. You throw your bag against the wall and lay on your bed; Ugly, stupid, slut, *****, whore. It was all too much. You lean over to your draw and pull out the blade you used to cut yourself the night before. Only this time it was your last. You start screaming and ripping the posters of your wall and crying. You hear a knock on your door. Itâ€™s your brother. He asks if youâ€™re ok. You wipe the tears of your face and you say yes. Another blatant lie. He says he loves you and walks off; his footsteps fade down the stairs. You find the blade you flung off the bed. You pick it up and slouch on your bed; your torn posters surround you. You lower the blade to your wrist and run it across. The pain is unbearable. Like a boiling hot glove run across your wrist. Your blood seeps off your wrist and onto your bed; the sheets turn darker than the night sky. All the memories of your family come back to you. The day you had water fights with your brother and mum. The day you went into the city and your brother bought you the nicest shirt. They are your everything. Then you remember the days at school that you dreaded. How you walked into class and everyone would move at a 5 metre radius from where you sat. How you got called the worst names in PE. Slob, slut, skank. You pretend to not care about it even though it was killing you inside. You decide it was too much. You rotate the blade and run it up your wrist. Everything stops for a minute and then you fall to the ground. The blood goes everywhere as your dead body lays still. Your mum comes home and kisses your brother on the cheek. She walks upstairs and knocks on your door. She waits for a couple of moments and opens the door. She looks at your dead body; screaming. Your brother walks up the stairs and sees what your mum is screaming at. He doesnâ€™t know whatâ€™s going on. Only that the sister that he loved so very much had left him. He runs into his room and sobs into his pillow for hours upon hours. A week later, itâ€™s your funeral. Everyone mourns on your loss. Your family. Even the girls that caused most of this came to mourn; calling you an inspiration and all that other bullshit. Your brother sits next to your casket and says he misses you and that he loves you. He kisses the casket and walks away as the coffin is slowly lowered into the ground. At school, they hold a memorial in your honour. You become the talk of the school. Bullying expos and presentation followed the month after your death. People start to feel for your sorrow and sadness. The girls that bitched about you saying that â€˜they regret everythingâ€™. The teachers that put so much stress on you saying â€˜I shouldâ€™ve been more carefulâ€™. You mother, crying day after day saying â€˜I shouldâ€™ve kept my girl closerâ€™. 3 years later, your mum and brother have moved from their old house to lose the memories. Your mum lost her job and your brother has moved onto middle school. He gets bullied too. Your mum has fallen into depression and just sits at home, staring continually at photos of you. Your brother sits on borderline suicidal but would never leave your mother. Your family, torn apart. Suicide doesnâ€™t just affect you. It affects everyone around you…..
Today I was asked one good thing about myself… the only thing I could think of was my scars. I hate that I can’t find a single good thing about myself besides my self mutilation.
I’m in a horrile mood today. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself back to sleep. Listening to my sad depressing music because it fits my mood.. I need a sick day sink can stay home and sleep and cry and just be left alone and not have to worry about anyone or anything..
I hate to beg or plead but I need support right now..