What a horrible day. I feel like a complete fuck up. I’ve decided not to eat today just to punish myself. Maybe I will do better tomorrow. Probably not though. I forsee things getting worse.
Tag:
eat
Cannot eat, knotted stomach, then I gorge tasteless food because hungry, and throw up.
Sleep for 2.5 hours, and wake bolt-upright in panic, and three tracks of racing thoughts mean cannot sleep again until so tired I nod-off sitting up. Wake up exhausted.
Cannot exhaust mind and body like used to, since broke leg nearly three years ago. Don’t walk comfortably anymore.
Cannot go swimming because hate the look of self.
Not enough energy to exercise because cannot eat.
Round and around it goes.
Escaping the cycle, getting off the merry-go-round, a favorite choice for thoughts. Seeking peace and quiet, that cannot find anymore in this life.
I can’t even think. I feel dead inside. There’s always a reason to keep me down. SROs are like prisons that you pay market rate apartment rent for, to have a prison cell sized room, be controlled, moniotred, have your belongings rummaged through every othe day, and aren’t allowed to have visitors beyond common areas. Fuck that. I hope I don’t get in. I’m going to put an end to this shit soon.
I don’t even feel as in love as I once did. He kind of pisses me off that he can complain about his life and problems, even posting on Facebook that he wanted […]
tried killing myself this morning by taking pills. now everything i eat i throw up. the only thing ive had is water.
There’s no hope of my finding a place to live. My income isn’t enough for an SRO which is stricter than getting an apartment. Those are shitty jail cell sized rooms you pay as much for as an apartment, to share a bathroom with the building, having to eat all of your meals out as food isn’t allowed, and you can’t have visitors. Even worse is proving income. You can’t prove you have an income at all when everything is done over the internet. I get paid through online payroll services to an online (prepaid) bank account. No paper is exchanged and that’s what they […]
What is happiness?
Is it the money you have? Is it the food you eat? Is it the movies you watch? Is it the books you read? Is it the friends and family you have? Or is it the fire in your heart?
If it’s the fire, where can I find it? Can someone please tell me how to find it?
I don’t know where my little fire go. Is it lost? Or is it that I never truly had it.
okay, so my last post was really positive! But this one isn’t going to be!
ever just have one of them days where even being in someone’s company annoys you but you can’t stand to be alone?
I chose to eat a lot this morning, I used to comfort eat a lot! but then my head just went. So made it all come back out, I made myself sick until I felt weak. Until my belly burned.
Then I went into my room and self harmed. I was doing so fucking well but today I lost it! Worst part is I didn’t even cry! I felt no emotion […]
This is the last fucking straw! I can’t get a known slum lord to rent to me because of my credit and my name change from a female name to a male name is surely the trigger that set him off, but he had already decided against renting to me before he even got my application. He didn’t look at anything. He just knew he didn’t want some freak there.
I’m too fat and ugly to ever be loved, laid, or even be accepted as a roommate. I’m destined to be homeless and alone and no one has any fucking idea what it’s like to be […]
So, as I was sitting here I got to thinking and started going over my habits and addictions and thought I would share. I’m obsessed with chap stick, not eating it but just sitting there and running it over my lips idk why. I ALWAYS pick apart my pizza and hamburgers. 95% of the time I use bowls to eat out of and spoons. (Now some gore ones) *WARNING* ? ? ? I’m obsessed with picking at my scabs and I love the feeling of blood running down my body. I have an addiction to the burning of alcohol and smoke on my throat. I […]
She sat alone,
alone and at home,
where her screams were silent,
but her mind was violent.
Her insecurities hid deep inside,
and they indeed eat her alive,
a tear rolled down her face,
as her heart begin to race.
She took her blade and tore her skin,
where her depression lies deep within,
this went on my days, months, years,
and untill she cried her very last tears,
she decided she had enough,
the world around her was much to tough.
She took a gun to her head,
congradalations society,
she is dead.
When I was growing up my life was fine until my dreams turned into night mares by nights got longer and afternoons got shorter. when I was 12 I starting cutting my wrist because I was bullied in school mostly by boys, (im a girl) It was a time where I wanted to commit suicide in the school bathroom with my belt but I was a cow ward and didn’t go through with it. By 13 I was cutting both wrist an legs I knew I was supposed to eat but I would just drink water for days and not eat anything. I got a […]
I wanted to kill myself from puberty onwards. I am now in my 40s. I tried to kill myself 4 times before the age of 20. My life has always been sh*t and I wish my first suicide attempt had succeeded. “A permanent solution to a temporary problem”? I don’t think so. If you have poor mental health it is unlikely to ever get that much better. It will always be there. Plus where I live the government has reduced mental health services due to austerity, as well as benefits for people with mh problems. So I can just survive on the money I get, not live. No relationship, holidays, […]
An adventure in a really strange land full of happy towns and dark valleys. Once you get off your village there is no way back and you must keep walking and walking until you have your feet in blood. If you get lost, oh dear, that is your end. The demons that live in the darkest valleys will follow you day after day, night after night, and at the most small sign of weakness they will eat you alive. You can truly believe that they are not real and they are not following you, but they are. They are so real like you. And once […]
Everyone tells me that I had no choice, and that it wasn’t my fault. They said I did a lot more than what most would do. But I don’t feel that way, because I took her there. I am fully responsible for her death. I am to blame. It was my fault. I was supposed to take care of her, but instead, I sent her away. She died because of me.
It was horrible and heartbreaking why they decided to put her down. It shattered me.
I was going back for her, I couldn’t stand it that she was there. I was waiting for […]
It’s funny how things work, I suppose. I always seem to end up right where I started; in the dark. I’ve been trying to sleep for the past few hours but nothing is working, I’m disgustingly wide awake.
I’m just going to write how I’ve been feeling lately in this post, you don’t need to read it, not at all I just need an outlet.
My older brother and his wife had moved out, right? well, they’re back. I should’ve expected it, I really should have. On top of that the man who made me first start to hate myself, my grandfather, lives here now too. That’s […]
My decision to put an end to a meaningless is solid. To not have a family or love is not a mental illness. I have worked so damn hard in my life to what? to end up living in some shitty basement suite by myself and to be lonely. I haven’t held hands with someone in almost 3 years, I barely eat because I’m over cooking food for myself, I’m also unemployed. I can’t do this anymore.
Would anyone know where to find n3mbut@l or something like it in BC? I live in Canucks home base. I just want my soul to be free.
Just that moment when you realize that you’ll never make it.
I’ve tried to move forward, socialized, made friends, set goals. And I’ve just discovered that no matter how badly I try, I won’t get there. I won’t finish in the top university, I won’t get into shape, I won’t be beautiful. This never actually would bother me, but I think that I’m envious of my friends dating – just knowing that no girl or guy would ever look at me and thing ‘that’s somebody I could love’.
I know I’ve felt like the world was ending before. But I feel like my whole life has been […]
Can I just die already… i’m so tired everyday is getting worse. I don’t even go out of my room and only eat once a day. I don’t even talk to my parents. they kept me asking what is wrong I just ignore them. They are really worried but I don’t care anymore.
A song i can relate to….
I think it’s time that I got off the kitchen floor
But is there really any point at all?
Waking up this morning felt the same
Better sleep while life is so mundane
It could have been yesterday that I locked the door
I blocked the windows up so I can’t be sure
Now I haven’t even got the will to eat
I’m lame and self-obsessed, that I will concede
I’d like to light a cigarette but I cannot
The lighter’s dead and the gas has been cut off
I’m the one you always seem to read about
The fire inside my eyes […]
It takes 3 days for this to take effect. Heh, fooled them into thinking I actually ate today.
I’m done with what they’re saying. They never wished they had me? Well good, I never wanted them as pathetic emotionally abusive parents either.
So I’m doing both of us a huge favor.
Funny thing, both of them were attacking me today. They wanted to push me into action so I can finally take the exam? Even if I do pass (with my critically low ‘danger of failing’ score on the exit hesi) and get a job as a nurse, I don’t truly care about people, since why the hell […]