i feel a crying jag coming on for no particular reason. just really sad today. i am pretty sure i took my meds this morning though my memory sucks when i am in this state. i wonder what it would be like to not take meds. just be me au naturale. i suppose i would just fall further into the abyss. though at this time i question whether there is much more to fall into. my suicidal thoughts are all encompassing. i see my death in everyday things. falling down the stairs, crossing the street, cutting up vegetables, burning myself on the stove. when i […]
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enough
There is something worse than being retarded. It’s being a retarded person who is self-aware enough to know they’re retarded. I am retarded, and I know it. Like Charlie Gordon in Flowers for Algernon. Like him, I started out oblivious. I had a vague understanding that other people were making fun of my face, my actions, my words, my clothing, and the fact that I was never coordinated or fast enough to play sports at gym class no matter how hard I tried (nor, for that matter, could I make any sense of the rules). I became self aware very slowly, over time. I started […]
suicide by police would be a pretty cool way to go. imagine the adrenaline rush
i wouldnt know where to get a gun though. or an object threatening enough to be considered armed
I’m just tired.
I’m just sad.
I’m just angry.
Today at school, some Christian told me i wasn’t going to heaven. Just because i don’t believe in Jesus. I do believe in God, though. But she doesn’t seem to understand that. Then after that, a friend of mine told me she had gone to the guidance office with one of my other friends. Extremely concerned on what happened, i asked why. They told me, it was for me. Some “preps” were talking about me behind my back, during gym today. They were saying that me and my girlfriend weren’t really in love, that we were […]
I tried so, but nothing worked properly.I don’t mind, not anymore.I did everything I could, I did my best but it wasn’t enough.I’m not mad.I’m ok.I know it’s not my fault.I’m so small.I’m just a tiny stupid spot in this infinitely big and stupid universe.I’ll commit suicide.I’m not the first and I won’t be the last one.I’m just a me.I’ll be just one more.I recognize my smallness and my insignificance and I accept them with a stupid smile on my face. 🙂
I know that my life has become pure suffering, all my dreams, all my fears, all the passion and all the devotion are now smashed into shards.However, I started to remember everything with joy and nostalgia … my memories are coming back in flashes : the way I used to sit and stare at a tree; the taste of my favourite ice cream; how funny it was to play with my friends in my childhood…
I’ve lived for so long.17 years.It’s curious to think that there are people who want to live for 100 years, and I’m unhappy enough with 17.It was a life.I’ve […]
I’m just so fucking confused. Where do I fit in life. I’m a 15 year old girl. I have no more friends my grades are horrible and I have developed bad socail anxiety. I feel like I can’t be myself around people. I’m just trapped in what people expect me to be. I’m so tired of being a dissapointment just because I want to be me. Now I just turn into a different person around people to please them and I’m tierd of it. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life and after highschool my grades aren’t good enough to go […]
Hello,
Unlike most people here my situation is not critical…
I have no friends, But not because of my personality or anything, I just dont talk to people alot, I’m affraid to talk to people. So most of my days I’m sitting here, alone, listening to the radio or watching TV. Nobody Called me for christmas or my birthday…
As for “suicide” well, I’ve been thinking about it for a good year or so.
Everynight it was “Should I do it ?” And of course, I ended up falling asleep, Or I decided not to do it.
I actually “wanna Die” because I think it’ll be easier than to have […]
The past 8 years of my life I have progressively developed worse and worse depression. This past year has pushed me over the edge to wear I have gotten to the point I can’t deal with the pain anymore. The worst is I lost the love of my life because she didn’t think it was fair for us to never see each other. I waited 6 years to be wit hthis girl and for the past year and a half, I had her. I know this is probably really weak reason to be pushed over the edge, but she was the girl I wanted my […]
Dear life, I am tired of being afraid.
I don’t care about anything anymore. It’s all just pointless now. I don’t care about life, about the future, about death, nothing. I gave up a long time ago. I guess if you immerse yourself in enough pain you eventually stop feeling it. But the problem is that I still do feel. It would all just be easier if I ended it all, but somehow I can’t get any access to anything lethal. I thought that all of this would eventually end when things got too bad to bear, but every time I hit rock bottom, somehow I […]
This has been the longest weekend ever.
Everyday, something disappointing happens. And it just adds to the problems she already has.
Today is Sunday. A day that is meant for rest before the new week begins. But she cannot rest, in fact she is restless…and this is the most restless she has been since she started considering suicide.
A moment ago she picked up a pen and then stared at her wrist. She thrusted the  point of the pen to her wrist, but stopped before it hit it. “What if I just punctured it. And started bleeding to death.”
With the news she received yesterday, she just can’t take it […]
Life has always pushed me right to the edge and sometimes over the edge but just enough to let me cling. It’s hard its exhausting I have given up and sometimes still want to. I don’t really love myself or care about myself, I just try to make decisions with my best interest or to my benefit I guess. But I’m empty and inside me is a pain so great that everyday lately it’s a battle to try to keep it boxed up. It sucks to be this way to be aware of the pain your hiding and feel numb to not care if you […]
I don’t know what to say, what to do, or who I should tell? Should I make a video? A post online? A note? Or should I simply disappear, leaving no explanation. If they cared enough they’d already know what the cause was. By now, I’m sure from the context of the title and the website I’m at you can conclude I’m talking about the big day.. the day I die. Or maybe I don’t die? Maybe I’m reborn. My god, if that’s the case I just want to live a happier life next time. Oh, and my deadline is in August. I don’t know exactly when […]
People have little choice over the circumstances they are born into- even less do we have a choice about being born in the first place. Life and its trials are unceremoniously thrust upon us.
Most people, if asked, would not want to end their lives. Sure enough, time inevitably breeds vanity as a survival mechanism in all of us.
It is a very different question to ask if someone would’ve preferred not to have been born at all. Many people who are not suicidal would still, if they had the power to turn back time, wish to prevent their birth.
To me this speaks of a fundamental lack […]
I didn’t kill myself today, no thanks to you. I survived today and everyday before leading up to today on my own. I did that for you. I know you want me to be here, even if I don’t. But if it’s so important to you that I be here, even if I’m in pain, even if every minute is a struggle, maybe you could stop fighting for the other side? It’s hard enough to fight this on my own, by myself. Having to do it in spite of you only makes it harder. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this, […]
Everything is too much. I’ve been wanting to kill myself for so long, but I owe it to my family to make sure that it’s peaceful for them. I’m not financially stable enough for that. I really just feel like the only reason I ever save money is so I can die while still helping others. Why do I want to help? It’s stupid. I’m not needed. I’m useless and even when I try I fuck everything up. I don’t even know whether my family will miss me because they love and need me or if they’d simply be unused to my absence at first.
You’re not supposed to want things, because wanting makes you miserable.
Yet if you don’t want, you have no ambition. You can’t change a given thing unless you want it changed…
Me, I want but I don’t know how to achieve. I feel stuck. So very stuck. Wanting makes me unhappy because I can’t have what I want. I can’t do enough and be enough to get what I want.
And if I don’t want I will still be miserable, unless I accept of course but wouldn’t that be resigning? I just can’t accept things. The guilt is too much.
I’m so confused.
Is it ok to want things or […]
This might be a trigger to some, so beware
Honestly every time I cut it just gets everywhere. all over my arms, my hands, on the paper I use to smear crude words with the red stuff. it sticks to everything too. yet I can’t seem to bleed enough. I want to bleed more. but every time I cut deep enough to keep a decent flow it hurts like f***….but I still do it. I don’t do it for the pain either.
I think I just associate blood with death…like cutting and bleeding is as close as I’m going to get to death since I really […]
wish i cud simply pull out a plug and the whole of my system would go into a deep,uninterrupted slumber from which i would never wake up…
i also feel like punishing myself for being so useless… feel like inflicting pain to numb the feeling of helplessness… i did hit myself on the head and now i have a pounding headache but that doesn’t seem enough…
i don’t know what to do… i don’t know if anything would ever work….
College was a waste of time and money. I started after I graduated in 2007, dropped out 2 or 3 years ago and then reenrolled at the beginning of last year. I thought I was doing the right thing. Now Im a week away from finishing my degree and I realize that I haven’t learned anything that I can actually use. I cant find a job in my town that requires my degree because I have no experience. And even if I did somehow find a job, I wouldn’t know how to do anything. My college “teaches” the programs we use. So basically […]