There is black hole that lives inside me.
It slowly takes away everything. It slowly got bigger and bigger and I feel emptier and emptier. I can feel it crushing my bones, pushing and squeezing my organs.
I don’t remember how I got infected or if it was always there. But now I am filled with emptiness. I know what happiness is, I understand it and I know I will never feel it. There is nothing in this world that I want or that could stop my black hole from devouring me.
I only remember a routine I am suppose to follow to fit in […]
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i am truly sorry if my last post offended you.i never meant to offend you.well its been two or three weeks since i tried and commit suicide. i feel so stupid because i tried because of just some fvcking stupid shit that i did and because she wants to be really mean and say everything ismy fault when it never was. now i understand what parents mea by if she loves or cares about you she wouldn’t want to hurt you.
I’ve thought about it many times, especially those sleepless nights, the drum beating inside the dark recess of my mind.
After the first attempt of 12 pills, then 24 pills, I decided to wake up and attend college both times I woke up from those failures.
I’ve been reading up a lot about Buddhism and about reincarnation or rebirth, and I was wondering and contemplated.
With everything that I’ve been through, and for me to cut my life short thinking that hell would probably be a better place to be in I realized, if I cop out now I’ll probably have to go through this entire experience again, […]
Why do i always make such a mess of everything, best friend yeah she hates my guts right now because of something small i did, , my bf has made me feel im unworthy of love and my parents constantly express their disappointment in me. Everything i try to do i mess up or screws up for me, why should i even bother.
I’m really just tired of living… I constantly mess things up, I have no motivation anymore the only reason I’m still alive is because of music but now a days that doesn’t even help. I’m a constant disappointment to my parents… I’m three years ahead of my actual grade in school. And it’s still not enough. My mother thinks I’m a disappointment just because I listen to rock music and she’s constantly saying how I’m her mess up. I just simply don’t care about life anymore. And I know it would be cruel to my friends and family to do this but it’s the only […]
I am here,because of one reason this is true “Love” I am strong I know this because I am also weak. Ive been through most of it,and seen alot heard most of it..I am 19 i’ve lived this life and keep living even though i’ve had my darkness and even when the light is in,theres always gonna be dark because ive learned “The sun cant stay out forever,but the darkness leaves always,and cant stay forever either” this is my story and yes it is true.
I found love at 16 a point in my life when I thought I was gonna give up and give in […]
I am so done
I’m falling, I’m sinning, and I’m scared as crap to repent
because it means facing my sins and making the same promise I keep making and I don’t know why i cant keep my promise to my Heavenly Father
I always plan on killing myself, on hurting myself, and i just want the pain to go away
I just want everything to be okay, just for one day so I can figure out how I can get everything under control in my life.
The only good thing in my life right now is my wonderful girlfriend.
But when my own family […]
The moments when I sit at home alone, and everyone I know is busy. That’s when I finally realize how alone I truly am and it Makes me sad. To know that I have no real true friends nor family that care even just a little. No one ever notices, i feel like I’m not allowed to cry to be weak. But today I feel alone and everything that I push away comes up to the surface and I feel the pain, the emptiness.
When I’m gone from Pitch Perfect“When I’m gone, when I’m gone. Your gonna miss me when I’m gone”
Or at least I hope you will. I hope that once I’m gone you see the good thing we shared.
I thought you would be the one who actually cared
But I guess not
There is a feeling in my chest of emptiness
Did you cause it? No..no you did not.
It is all my fault..Everything is my fault
I am always to blame..I am sorry
I am sorry I cry, I’m sorry I cut
I’m sorry I even lie..yet I have to
I have to hide how […]
I had the worst nightmare last night.
Some of you remember a post about me having a stillborn baby girl.
So beautiful.
Anyways, I had a dream last night that the world was being overtaken by primates. Sounds crazy but hang in there. Primates of all kinds. Orangutans, monkeys, chimps, gorillas, etc. they ran around screeching and destroying anything within reach. Meanwhile the sky was grey with only a few streetlights to reveal the streets. Before the “invasion†I was at home in bed with my boyfriend, very pregnant might I add, and proceeded to go into labor. The fastest and best labor in the world in my […]
My half or so the one i stole the body from torments me. She screams at me. She uses imeges of others against me. At five i replaced her sole with mine… im sorry.
I just want to go and forget everything. I just want to vanish out of thin air without a trace.
Hi. Â This is probably going to be weird. I’m actually in 6th grade right now and I found this website. It matches me. Because this is the only website that I could write my thoughts about.
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It’s 3:07 am and I can’t sleep. I just can’t. I’m so tired and I want to rest. So I have a friend that always judge everything. I mean sometimes I ask myself why am I friends with this person? I mean she punched me on my stomach which really hurts for me because she doesn’t know anything about me except for the things […]
I’ve done nothing to nobody yet I’m somehow the most hated person at my school I want my life to get better but everyone makes it worse I just want everyone to leave alone why can’t people do that WHY I get it I’m a horrible person I’m an asshole I’ve done nothing right in my life but I just want this suffering to end Ive never wanted to die so badly there is no fucking god and if there is he hates me I only want the hurt to stop once just once I want this to go away I’ve tried everything and I […]
Okay so it’s late here and I’m wide awake, lying in bed and i’m unable to fall asleep.
I was doing okay today and then suddenly, at about midnight, it hit me again. The sadness and emptiness and pain, everything just hit me again. How my brother is not here, in his room above me. And it’s still so unreal, still, after a year and a half. I still sometimes wonder if this isn’t just some nightmare. Because how can it be gone? How can a life that has been built up over almost 16 years be gone in 1 second? I just can’t wrap my […]
Not having the energy to write back guys you think are cute
not having energy to write reviews on yelp,things you love My childhood psychtrist killed himself this past weekend what does that say for me? what does that mean,This was amilestone breaking point in a metaphorical symbolic way,Idk idk things have been getting better,Like really better but when things go bad everything just piles on,Really I could break or be the most strongest person If anyone knew my whole life or my life they would see how thin and how thin and so close they are to eachother idk idk ill be fine but this […]
As I’ve told you in my previous posts, I’m a nihilist.Meaning I don’t think there’s good or evil, morality, value, ethics and right and wrong, I think that all of this is subjective, and therefore cannot change any objective aspect, I don’t believe that anything like that is real, necessary or effective.Also, I think that the universe is indifferent towards our existence, our lives are but an ephemeral meaningless exercise of futility.Then I try to act indifferently.I TRY, but I can’t get rid of most of my emotions.Today was a living hell, this day couldn’t get worse.Everything simply went wrong, I […]
I’ve ruined everything. I destroyed all that I loved.
I’ve come to believe that I made everyone hate me.
Nothing can save me, because they wouldn’t if they could.
I made friends worry for me over my mistakes, it destroys me, and I know this is my fault.
I make my own family want me to leave, at only the age of 13.
They won’t admit it, but i know it. As everyone says, “actions speak louder than words.” and their actions show how much of a dissapointment.
But I cannot do it.
They will think it is their fault.
And that only will make […]
I decided to off myself some time ago, but in the middle of getting everything arranged (will, notes to people left behind, etc.), I rekindled a love with a wonderful girl I met my freshman year of college (5 years ago at this point). Â I was so fascinated and enthralled with her that I thought, maybe, somehow, this is what I’ve needed. Â Something healthy and fulfilling after years of miserable, abusive, horrid intimate relationships. Â So, I put everything off.
Afterwards, I was happy, really happy for a spell, and every part of me was distracted by her. Â Even when bad feelings came, I knew I had […]
I’m afraid I fucked up again.
I was out partying the other day and everything was going really well. I was having fun with a friend I made in the bus (I was on an trip in Italy with school) IÂ genuinely was having fun which is rare as it is.
Than all of a sudden she mentions that someone she knew someone who committed suicide that day almost a year ago. I tried to comfort her but just ended up breaking down myself and needing her comfort. aka I sat there crying for about an hour on her shoulder for everybody to see.
Obviously I told […]
My mind? I’m intelligent, you’re smart too!, we’re smart.
But our knowledge, sometimes it’s worthless.We know there’s no hope, we know the situation is bad, we know no matter how many times we try it won’t work, we know the things will get even worse.We know.But the feelings…the feelings…we’re almost breathless, crying, slappin’ our own faces, screaming, preparing ourselves, methods already chosen, we got the stuff, almost doing…
But even in a rainy day, when everything is going wrong…I dunno, when I feel certain emotions I completely forget about suicide.When I see something cute, when I hear an inspiring art, when I hear babytalk*, I […]