I decided to off myself some time ago, but in the middle of getting everything arranged (will, notes to people left behind, etc.), I rekindled a love with a wonderful girl I met my freshman year of college (5 years ago at this point). Â I was so fascinated and enthralled with her that I thought, maybe, somehow, this is what I’ve needed. Â Something healthy and fulfilling after years of miserable, abusive, horrid intimate relationships. Â So, I put everything off.
Afterwards, I was happy, really happy for a spell, and every part of me was distracted by her. Â Even when bad feelings came, I knew I had to be “responsible”, that if I had wanted to kill myself I should not have gotten into a relationship. Â That by letting us get close, I had given up the right to leave like that.
Then, everything started coming back. Â All the guilt, all the loneliness, all of the constant, inescapable introspection and inertia that had kept me in a tiny, insecure, unhappy bubble for years. Â It was fairly sudden.
I love her. So, so much. And I’ve talked to her about my suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts (only once when I was drunk, otherwise I’m clever enough to not involve her in any of that). Â But no matter how happy she makes me, it doesn’t get rid of the terrible feelings, only lies on top of or beside them, not even covering them up , like mixed emotion-confetti.
Point being, I don’t know what to do about the relationship before I kill myself. Â Should I break things off with her? Would I then immediately do it, or wait a bit to let her move on first? Â On the other hand, I wouldn’t want her thinking that I didn’t love her, that I don’t care for her, that she didn’t make me happy. But if I don’t break it off, she’s stuck with the “boyfriend killing himself” thing. Â What would that do to her immediately? What about later on? What if she met somebody who was absolutely perfect for her, but was insecure that she didn’t get closure, that maybe he’s not “the one” (it sounds ridiculous, but I think I’m getting it across right. Some people really think like that).
Anyway, just looking for some advice. Â I want to do this. And I want to do this right, affecting others as little as possible with it, while still having them know that I loved them, that it wasn’t them, that it was me.
16 comments
Ask God to show you what’s so wrong with your life. And don’t expect your girl to wash away guilt and confusion in your life. She won’t. She’s can’t be your goal in life. When the euphoria of a relationship wears off, the horrid feelings will come right back. You need something more solid, and that’s God. I’m not going to preach right now, but I think it would be a good idea to pick up a Bible and maybe have a talk with God. Now maybe you don’t believe in God, but you can at least ask him to show up if he is there.
Your friend,
J
There are pretty much two choices only. Either brake up with her and wait for LONG time till she heals her broken heart. It can take a year or more till you become just a person she knew. Or don’t brake up, she would appreciate being there with you before the last stand. If you brake up with her and take your life before she has healed, you will leave her in this limbo knowing you broke up with her to protect her and she would be twice as devistated brake up+suicide. Or just suicide. She will solve this puzzle soon enough to link braking up with suicide. So either wait a year or more after braking up or never do it.
I see you love her. Go seek for help, you have someone in your life to protect and cherish. Don’t let that be gone forever.
Don’t bring God into this. He is nonexistant and will never show up. That’s like hoping to win a lottery with NO ticket.
@Shred
Preach ^^^^^^^^^^^
Yeah.. Thereishope has been spamming that shit.
Yeah, I’m so sick of the God bullshit…
“Pray tooo zeee baby jeeeeeeeezus” 🙂 “Oooooh zee baby jeeeeeezus.”
Sorry, I couldn’t resist 🙂
I’m not encouraging you to committ suicide in any way but if you are dead set on leaving this life by your own hand. FUCKING LEAVE HER! your an asshole if you don’t. I’d even recommend lying to her, tell her that your attracted to men and your gay, this way she can’t ever blame herself or anything she did just simply wasn’t the right “gender” for you….. I say this because i had 2 of my cousins partners hang themselves and they were still in a relationship with them while they did it, there still fucking fucked up today trust issues, mental problems, suicidal thoughts themselves. I swear the person that dies don’t really die the ones left living are the ones that die more. I remember one day going to see my cousin and i caught her trying to hang herself and she told me why, because she failed as a partner because he must have really loved her because he didn’t actually leave her before he committed suicide so in her eyes they where still together meaning he LOVED her and that meant she should have helped him she should have known and all this fucking bullshit! but thats how screwed they become. Yes its fucking selfish as fuck to leave your spouse/ partner that way and still be together.
🙂
Do you have proof that there is no God? I have proof that there is a God.
Read the book Anointed For Burial by Todd Burke 1977?
God has never left any physical evidence of his existence on earth.
None of Jesus’ “miracles” left any physical evidence either. (see this page)
God has never spoken to modern man, for example by taking over all the television stations and broadcasting a rational message to everyone.
The resurrected Jesus has never appeared to anyone. (see this page)
The Bible we have is provably incorrect and is obviously the work of primitive men rather than God. (see this page)
When we analyze prayer with statistics, we find no evidence that God is “answering prayers.” (see this page)
Huge, amazing atrocities like the Holocaust and AIDS occur without any response from God.
And so on…
Now keep your mouth shut thereishope
Because there isnt a god, or hope.
It’s against the forum rules to preach on here as much as it’s against the forum rules to talk about methods. So if I have to shut up about suicide methods, then it’s about time you shut up about your god and………….zee baby jeeeeeeezus. 🙂
In what way is that proof you imbecile? A book about cultists in cambodio experiencing what they they think are miracles is not even remotely close to proof. Sorry. Youre really not helping anyone by preaching about your sky monster here. You think the majority of these miserable people on the verge of suicide havent tried praying to your god day after day with no avail? You should go smash your router and crawl back to church, because these people need support. Not some fuckface telling them god is the answer.
Cambodia*
Milk drinkers these days…
I’ve found more guidance in the lore of a video game than I ever did by way of the “good book.”
Also: @OP
I’d advise you talk with her in a state of sobriety first, as opposed to under the influence. You’re sounding dang sure of yourself at this point, so I guess it’d be best to put it all out to air and see what happens from there. This woman of your’s must be a big part of your life; you need to honour that and keep her afloat with it all.
Failing that – I’d honestly separate from her (as hard as that’ll be). I had an outstanding reason why…but it escapes me at this time. I’m sending good feels your way, bro.
There were and still are sites like takethislife, depressionforum and those chat rooms that were designed for all these people. Instead they had to turn the one site into a retarded kiddies playground for cry babies. Why?
PS – Idiots, stop giving out peoples email and IP addresses. It’s wrong.