I feel so lost in this empty world filled with people. I can’t touch them, it’s like they’re so far away. Yet I stay here. Running around in circles. I sit down, but I cannot cry, because I know noone is there to say “It’s ok”. They’re not real. All fake. Go away..
Today was… An Okay Day.
That’s a little better. It’s better than what I’ve been feeling for the past 3 weeks.
I have less anger, less rage, less pain, less everything I’ve been feeling lately.
I feel safe for the first time in months. I’m less paranoid. Took a walk on my own with no fear. No need to constantly look over my shoulder and scrutinize every single person walking behind me. I felt free.
I smiled a genuine smile. I could feel it. It wasn’t forced or fake like the ones I’ve been giving. It was a real smile.
I don’t know what’s happening, […]
It hurts. It really does.
It’s becoming harder and harder to stick to the plan. But I know I have to. I also know that I need help. I need some attention. I need them to realise that I’m suffering.
I can’t fake it anymore. I can’t hide what I’m feeling anymore. I need someone to notice.
I’m not good at talking and letting out what I feel. I just freeze whenever I have to divulge my feelings.
It fucking hurts. They just will never understand.
I know what I’ve been thinking is wrong. I’m contemplating an attempt in the next few days, or tonight […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I feel less suicidal, being nothing.
I am not a student, not an employee, not a daughter, not part of society. Not glum, not unattractive, not any other adjective.
I feel better when I am not obliged to fake emotions. I dont mind being alone anymore. Can I just float through the days, just for awhile?
Can I stop identifying myself as my experiences? Can I stop feeling ashamed for having not accomplished anything? Can I stop identifying as a human, and just wander through Time as nothing, just for a little while?
I have been trying for years to look deep inside myself in search of some kind of humanly feelings. All I have find is hollow and empty nothingness. There is a deep hollow void in my heart that cant be filled by anything.
Yes, I smile I laugh, but those are all just fake. I have perfected it over the years. Fake emotions.
There is also some darkness lurking inside of me. I have kept that dark flame in me at bay for quite some time, but now, I feel like Im losing that battle. Im getting darker and darker by the day.
It scares […]
Everyone knows me as a cheery girl. They want to be me because they think I have no complications in my life. But it’s funny, because they don’t know anything about my life. Yes, I tell them funny stories that really happened in my life but that’s what they all know about my life. They don’t know how I am going through depression. They don’t know how I am crying at night over everything. They don’t know how it’s so hard to force a smile and fake a laugh. I always put on a mask of happiness of mine everytime I’m with them but there’s […]
I need help. I don’t know what to do anymore. My deppresion feels so strong and I just want to self harm again to take away this pain I feel inside. I told this person how I really felt about him and we were really close friends and he led me on, but he told me that he was talking to someone else. I hope everything goes well with him and her but now I feel so heartbroken. I feol for him hard. now a fake smile is what plays outs on my face. What should I do?
Almost everything I do seems like a remedy for something already wrong in my life. It’s not that I don’t know what happiness is or haven’t experienced bliss at one point, but nowadays it feels like I’m merely living just to survive and for what I think is “right”. It’s like I’m contemplating the simplest actions every single time before they take place, even my thoughts feel like they are preconceived without my authority. I’m becoming more and more detached from reality, society, and people in general. I want to connect to the world, but there are factors that limit me, and I’m forever with […]
I feel like I’m being a fake person. Now that I’ve started to do my work, trying to focus more and do what is “expected” of me. I go to class, I do my homework. The problem is, I’m not 100% into it. No matter what I’m doing, I find myself wondering why I even bother doing anything. I feel like it’s too late to bring my grades up (it’s past midterms) and I’m failing two out of four classes as a junior college student. I don’t know how to come back from that. I’m scared to talk to my professors about it because I’m […]
I’m just so tired.
I never had that feeling . The need to die. I always cope with things, and pretend everything is okay but it’s not. I’m having a fight with my best friend. Everything in my life is so fake. My friends are fake and i hate my body so much. I have literally no one to talk to. My dad is somewhere around the world with his girlfriend and mom is working all the time. My birthday is coming up this Friday and i feel so depressed and lonely.
Someone wrote here, “i wish i could achieve the peace of death without […]
Ok i know that all of y’all are probably tired of my lame ass story. I am too. I wish that everything just wasn’t so messed up. Today i felt like everything was alright and then i started thinking and i really it’s not. Yeah i know everybody has their problems but i want a break. I want to be able to be free. Trapped by my own mind. Shame. I am not look for a shoulder to cry on anymore. I will cry my tears but i won’t ask for help. I will do what i do best and hide behind a fake […]
Everyday I find myself hating my own life over and over again. He.. They just don’t get it. He.. They never will. I try to live my life as much as I can and I seem to not want it more and more as I go on. I have wanted to die for awhile now. It has been so hard to go on and I can’t seem to do it anymore. Every time I get close to doing so, there seems to be hope and I lose it. I lose it instantly and I am not happy. I haven’t been truly happy in a long time. I […]
I recently ended up moving in with my dad who hasn’t been in my life for 7 years because my mother kicked me out after I attempted suicide in July. She likes to believe that my entire depression that I’ve had for 3 years has been fake. Being with my dad is definitely better than being with my mother… except I feel like I’ve screwed up his life now. He isn’t used to living with his kids and isn’t used to spending money on anyone but himself so I get in a lot of crap for being expensive. I think about trying again everyday. But […]
So everyday is a complete blur. It doesn’t feel like I’m living, it just feels like I’m enduring. I can’t get anything right. I have the help I need like counsellors and medication but it doesn’t make any difference. My dad and his gf think I should just fake a smile and slowly accept it as it will brighten up my day. No, because I always get the gut feeling that I’m not allowed to be happy. Not with funny incidents, not jokes, not happy with myself. Just not happy in general. I can’t be. Every time I am I seem to fuck something up […]
last night I had 8 xanex, which mellowed me out, than today I had a 12 pack of natural ice. But I built up such a tolerance to everything that the highs don’t last long. I can’t stop thinking about what happened last night. All these hopes and dreams I had for that fake person just shattered me. How can one break a glass that’s already been broken? I hate this fucking bullshit.
I keep spinning back to the darkness. I have one good day and then cycle down to the lowest low. I KNOW I should be seeing a therapist but there is no money for such luxury. I am intensely jealous of all the people in my life who do not work – have not worked for years – and they have shrinks. They see doctors. They have every medication under the sun to even them out. What’s my med? I get to fake it. That’s my med. I get to wake up every day and go to work and be nice and friendly and productive. […]
i wish i could get hit by a car. if i die then then great but if not i could get a clue to see who actuallly cares. ive had so many fake friends that ive completely gave up on being social. i avoid talking to anyone at all costs. my dad calls me anti social in a joking matter but its true i guess.
Soooo this is my first post thingy so no hate unless its at least funny and please comment your own thoughts.
I wanna start out by saying how weird life is and how unbelievably random it could be, but also how planed it ends up being. Like if I make a good choice to hang out with my first friend which goes into a bad decision of doing drugs, which leads to a path with fake friends. Then of course ended up here at block one with no friends just to start all over.
But I cant help to say that I kinda liked that part of my […]
One of the things that piss me off the most is when people do drastic things for attention.
I hate when people say they have depression and that they’re depressed when they really mean sad. Like depression is a mental illness that you would have to be diagnosed with. You can’t go around telling people that you’re depressed and expect sympathy. I get that being sad can eventually turn into depression. You cannot just have it from one day to the next. If you were actually depressed, you wouldn’t tell anyone or make it public, because you know thay everyone will end up treating you […]