a while ago, i read an article that says extreme prolonged loneliness is just as bad as obesity as far as lowering life expectancy. i think, good. i am both extremely lonely and obese. i hope it doubles my chance of dying early. sometimes i get little chest pains. i’m only 18. but when it happens, i think about how it would feel to have a heart attack. that’s how i’ll probably go, if i don’t do it first; my obesity + the stress of loneliness/depression/everything else will finally come crashing down onto me, like lightning, and i’ll be gone.
You know, when you think things are actually starting to look up and after so long the stress just piles up on you & you just want to collapse .. Over the past 2 months things were getting better, I had gotten a job, figured where I want to go to college, figured what kind of major I wanted to do, gotten a wonderful boyfriend. But just over this past week he has just. Even so angry & takes it out on me, and it just seems to be sex sex sex.. He says I always start it but I’m sleeping when I Apparently start […]
sometimes I feel like I’m in an empty room, just me and the cold hard floor. I can’t see or hear or smell bit I can feel myself going numb. The pain of this never ending despair invading my mind. I can’t escape it, it’s embedded in my skin. I can’t wash it away. I never knew darkness could feel so heavy. I just let it eat away at me, why fight the inevitable?
When they asked me if you called me on my birthday, I sad yes, cause I knew that if I told them that you didn’t, they would “hate” you and I don’t want that. They don’t have the rights to hate you, I mean you have not do something bad, hurtful and evil to them. So, the only one who would hate you, would be me. Cause all the things you do to me are pure evil, and still I can’t create the feeling of hate towards you. I think of it, but I don’t feel it. My mouth say it but my heart and […]
Tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
You never notice how much affection can kill you…litirially, you support her through everything she knows how you feel about her, she understands you and you understand her but yet even in the way you have expressed yourself, your love she doesn’t feel the way you want her to and the love almost seems guilty, you would do anything to get to her heart, betray your friends, lie to her, choose her over everyone else. Even after all the crap you take for her, the […]
i’m working at my dream job. it is stressful but meaningful that i have some “uh-huh life is good” moments from time to time.
but every time when i sit down quietly, i can feel the pain. i feel the emptiness in my chest. i still wish i were dead.
seems like i see the good things as separate incidents while blaming all the bad things on life as a whole.
I am going to tell my life story up to today. There is a point to this, so just bear through all of this. I promise, it may be worth reading. I’ve been familiar with sad things for my whole life. When I was five, my mom kicked my dad out because he was an alcoholic and a drug user; he also treated her very badly. I remember seeing him occasionally after that. I didn’t realize what my dad was into until I was much older, where I grew up watching him drink and abuse his girlfriend. In 2nd grade, a man moved in with […]
Soldiers don’t feel
they’re just tools of war
the worth of their lives
is more bloody the gore
some battles end quick
with a shot to the head
but the horror of slaughter
never comes to an end
I can still smell the reek
of a festering wound
and feel the infection
of a friend gone too soon
I wake up at night
and feel the grip of their hand
choking me with the truth
that I killed an innocent man
I did what they said
I obeyed their command
but now by myself
I’m the devil’s best friend
the only thing left
is that medal of bones
those […]
I’ve been thinking about how many of the things that have gone wrong in my life happened because I tend to feel that other people are closer than they feel. Sometimes it’s not even that I act more friendly than I should, I end doing the opposite, I have troubles letting people enter in my life because I’m so scared that I’ll become so close…
I think that I love too much. Or too quickly, or strongly, I don’t know. Anyone in my case?
Ps: I don’t know if I explained myself clearly, I find difficult to explain this things in English…
So if you read my last post then you might know that I’ve been depressed since around seventh grade. So around that time (or maybe eighth grade, I don’t remember) I stumbled across this site and made an account. So, yes, this is my second account. I’m certain I made a few posts on here (or maybe one post) on that account, and I have this strange longing to find them or it and read it all. I know, it’s nearly impossible with the amount of posts, plus I don’t know my previous username, or what the post was even called. I know what you’re […]
I’m starting to think that is not fair that I have to live with all this pain and anxiety just because of not hurting my mum and sister by killing myself.
So now I’m really afraid.
I study, or used to, Psichology. I rationally understand what’s going on with me. I know that it must eventually pass. That’s what I keep telling myself. But it just doesn’t feel like it will actually get better.
Some days ago, one of my sister’s friend lost her father by suicide. My sister begged me to never do the same.
When my mums boyfriend commited suicide a year ago, his own son came […]
i focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real
it’s been 5 years since i last marred my pale skin,
gave it some bloody color
i sat there and cried
only knowing one thing for sure,
knowing i dont wanna know.
i sat there and smoked through 2 marlboro black 100s
pressed against me
flesh bubbly like a teenager high off their first crush
and when the light on the tip of my smoke started to dim, almost going out,
i’d take it away, take a hard pull, breath in the horror deep and slow
and then push it back against me,
harder than before.
i think i might be ready to go now
With me, hearing comedy doesn’t make my pain go away, but it makes me feel a lot better, temporarily! This is the late great George Carlin talking about suicide:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS1o4YcWGZs
I prefer comedy than hearing all this touchy feely shit that’s popular these days! Most of it is so pretentious and phony. George Carlin was honest! George Carlin doesn’t just talk about suicide, but he brings up autoerotic asphyxia before all is said and done! Why did George Carlin have to croak when there are so very few decent people left in this world?
My name is Sandra, i’m 17 years old. I’m a daugther, a sister, a granddaugther, a niece, a cousin. I love animals, rain and reading. I don’t have any true friends. I’m introverted, i’m silent, i don’t like talking, i’m always sick, i feel very weak, i love being alone, i hate crying, i have lost a lot of people that are important to me, i have never fully enjoyed life, i’m not a loving person and i don’t even understand what love is, i’m insecure, i’m a really anxious person, i’m quite self destructive, i always try to give people hope, though i […]
Of late i’ve felt as if i’m slowing down and time is speeding up. Every day i seem to take longer and longer to complete my daily tasks. Each day i feel as though my energy is diminishing. I’ve lurked on this site for a while, this is my first post here.
My first thoughts of suicide were when i was 14, i’m 24 now. A decade of wanting to die, wishing for it but never really acting on it. I’d keep coming up with plans and then never execute them. Will i ever do it? I don’t know. I feel like i’ve been here a […]
Where do i start well first and most importantly i love my family but sometimes i feel they dont love me back.I have been having these thoughts for a while now,everything in my life is just gone wrong.For one i cant find a girlfriend but that’s mostly because deep down inside im really afraid of rejection.My sister is on dyalisis and needs a kidney,so me and my mother take of her together because my sisters father was deported a while ago and he has never took […]
Its odd really, I feel so numb to almost everything half the time and the other half I feel things so deeply I burts out in tears, and I try to cure both with a drink, I don’t understand, I get the numbness and all I want is to feel again and feel the world and once my feeling return I want to shut it off and not feel a thing from all the sadness and pain.
~SN
So, I have just confessed to my boyfriend of almost 5 months that I have come to the conclusion that I’m gay. It was possibly one of the most awful things I have had to do. He cried. He loves me. I love him. But I cannot make myself feel sexually attracted to him. I have always thought that I am probably gay but I since I had only dated one guy before him I thought maybe I just wasn’t attracted to that guy in particular. I was going through the same motions as I was in the previous relationship. Except this time I was […]
Thursday.
Thursday 19th March 2015.
“Loving son and brother.”
Someone will call it. Time of death.
Someone will have to make that awful call. Your son is dead.
People will have to tell people.
Some will be sad.
Some will be relieved.
Some won’t know how to feel.
So many things that could go wrong.
Extremely durable leather belt could snap.
Steel bed frame could break.
Lack of oxygen to my brain might not kill me.
Nothing will go wrong.
End of the road.
Home stretch.
No words of persuasion, please.
my mind really meant to me. I spent the majority of my teen and adolecent years concerned with how I looked, what I wore, who I spent time with and so on. My educaiton was never a really huge concern of mine (although I did care if I was able to get the higher marks on my sudies along with my peers) but I did okay as far as all of that went. Even into my 20’s I wasn’t as concerned with what I knew as much as I was with what I was doing at the time.
Now, here I am in my late […]