I look at what choices i have. i can let it take me under or fight back. ive fought for a decade or more. my insides are shutting down like its preparing for the worst. ive researched meds that can be lethal. i look one last time and ask myself who is out there to care for someone like me. im on my death bed but im the captain. im ready.
Tag:
fight
My back hits the door
My body sliding down to the floor
As I listen for the nightly fight.
The yells, the screams make me want to leave
Leave forever, never to return
Life gone forevermore.
The razors, the pills
They whisper to help,
to help relieve me from this pain and loneliness;
It’s only the matter of which and when.
I am a 58 yr old woman with chronic late stage lymes disease. Â I am in pain, sick, hopeless, just can’t fight anymore. Â I’ve had this disease for 40 yrs. Â I want desperately to die. Can you still get nambutal in Mexico ?
Hard to fight,
The urge to cut,
No one cares,
Or so i thought,
Dont give up,
Just yet my dear,
Hold on!
He said he’d never leave me. When he left, he said he’d never be with someone else. He said I was the only he’d ever want, but that he couldn’t handle my mood swings. He left. He has still been texting me here and there playing with my heart and giving me false hope. The other day I got a text from his number calling me a *****, a filthy whore, and so many other names. It was his girlfriend apparently. He had moved on..I am so destroyed. I feel so empty and dead. She was telling me to leave him alone and said that he told her all […]
I just don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I’m only 15 years old and a sophomore in high school and I already starting to believe that I’m screwed like hell. My parents keep on stressing the fact that the best I could go is UC Davis and not UCLA or Stanford. In freshmen year, I started off with a crappy GPA of 2.67. As the result, my father would sometimes come into my room either 12:00 or 5:00 A.M just to hit me and complain about my grades. My parents stopped calling me my given name and nicknamed me “2.67” or “Junk […]
https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/01-Take-It-Away.wmaExit, stage right
You can’t convince me, to keep up this fight
There’s nothing here for me
Except more tragedy
I can’t outrun the past
And, I know, I will not last
I don’t have to take it
And don’t ask where my faith went
It never existed to begin with
If you think you can shame me
With the hope I’ll consider staying
Then you’ve got another think coming
Just say goodbye
Because I’m tired of trying
When one looks at them selves in the mirror, what are they really looking at? Their true selves? Or an Idea of ones self? I have been looking At an idea of myself my entire life. Holding myself on a pedastool, thinking that I am a genuine person with no flaws. But living a lie is what has caused my pain. What I am always looking at is different to another s eye. Over the last few months I have been trying to understand the bad, all the flaws that de-beautify my self image. Yeah looking at the ugly can disgust ones self, but its […]
I overdosed last night. I thought that I would go peacefully in my sleep, but I woke up with stomach pains, a head ache, and I was vomiting. This all lasted a good three hours before the the worst of ended and I could go back to sleep. I wish that I didn’t wake up, but I know one thing if overdosing is like that I am not going to do it again. I just cannot find the strength to continue, I want to sit in bed all day and sleep. I just do not understand the point of life, we fight to live so […]
I just found out that my ex got married.I’d be lying If I said I’m over her.I’m happy for her tho.I wish her and her husband the best.I just wish I could talk to him to tell him to not fight back cause that Is a fight you will never win haha.their married now,ofcourse he know’s not to haha.I’m just depressed on how things turned out.I should be the one getting married!!haha.I’m the nicest bf she has ever had!!Every other bf she’s had Is bad!!Like her husband has a tattoo on his face.If your gonna get a tattoo on your face then get tear drops […]
Dreams, a reason why we all work hard to conquer then,to live them.there is always a stage in our life when we let go of our dreams and our aspiration and that point of time we all lie to our ownself that maybe it was not in our destiny or maybe someting better is planned for us. Thats where we lose control over our fate…after this phase is over we all pamper our self make up stuff to satiate our pinching mind which makes us realise that we had done wrong…after all this will be over we again dream but this time its in our […]
Yup, new poem.
Bit of a change of pace for me. Don’t know if I love it but maybe it’s something I can build on. Less depression-centric but hopefully people here might still relate.
Don’t You Remember
Don’t you remember when the furthest edge of the earth was the corner of your street?
When we hated the street lights because they signified that it was time to go inside?
When Sundays seemed to last a life-time and we despised the rain because it meant we couldn’t go outside to play?
How something as simple as a cardboard box could entertain for hours?
It wasn’t just utilitarian, it was […]
I have a mean to end it all.
Painlessly.
Yet, I can’t do it.
Indeed, those before me.
Were cowards, not at all.
I am not mercurial.
But I know, somehow.
I’m too tired to follow through.
This existence seriatim.
I look skyward,
and see nothing.
“Show yourself, You coward”.
Indeed, I was shouting
in the wrong direction.
I have a choice,
between lost eyesight,
or continuing a decadent existence.
I wish I could’ve somehow,
fight against our fall.
If only they know,
how much I love them.
Hello, people.
Once again I thought I’d give an update on how am I doing this’ll probably be my last update though, no I’m not taking my life. I’m trying to move on and I don’t think this site rally needs any more of my recovery updates. So how m I doing? Shortly I’m managing and even though I feel like a turd left in the rain at catimes. I’ve got a handle on my mentality again so my mind doesn’t run amock an get me killed. Things haven’t been resolved but I’m picking up on how to manage, surpress or deal with them. Overall, […]
I had a friend. Her cell phone stopped working. I couldn’t reach her any other way but through the computer. She lived too far away for me to see in person. She would disappear for months at a time after mentioning how she was feeling down and depressed. I couldn’t take the constant worrying about her. So, in one of those rare occasions when she was actually around, I snapped at her a bit. I let her know how much I worried and how much it hurt, trying to get in contact with her and then- Nothing. I guess she must have understood for a […]
Life is a battle that we all must eventually lose. Each and every one of us is constantly at war. Fighting for survival. Some have a more difficult battle to fight and some lose before they’re ready…
I guess what I’m saying is that life is difficult. There are so many risks. People die everyday… A lot of people. Death is a part of life. It’s inevitable, but sometimes it comes too soon. The lives of peoples children, peoples mothers or fathers are taken every day without a choice. And here I am… Wanting to throw it away… and for what? What would I benefit from killing […]
I attempted again and was in the hospital. The thoughts can kiss my ass, ill fucken fight em forever if I have too. I have people who love me and I love them, so fuck off or keep fucking I don’t care, I’m gonna make it through this life.
I claw at the mental door of pain, blocking me from happiness
I scream out, hoping that maybe, just maybe, someone would hear me
I don’t give up, I scream and yell, I yell, “HELP I’M TRAPPED! PLEASE HELP!”
But alas no one can hear me even if someone did they wouldn’t help me nor would they care.
I sob until I drown myself with my own tears and hurt myself with my own pain
I try to pry the door open, to see just a sliver of light, just a sliver of the bright happiness I once knew
I desperately try to find something, or […]
A short version of Ben Roethlesberger “Never Quit” poem that helps me from time to time.
written by lifeishorrible
“Success Is failure turn upside down
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when It seems afar
So stick to the fight with you’re hardest hit
It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit”
a few months ago, I wrote a poem. Here it is now:
For I am Civil Air Patrol. No single word can
Describe who I am, what I do or what I
Sacrifice at such a young age…there is no phrase
That can sum up what we do. We sacrifice
Ourselves for the needy, the misfortunate
And grieving. We cross boundlessly across
Dead and barren terrain, hopelessly searching
For one soul. We receive no pay. No special
Treatment. No acclaim. We simply fight.
Fight for freedom and tranquility within our
Borders.
For I am Civil Air Patrol.
The blood we’ve spilt within 72 years is
Tremendous. Over […]