I just don’t know anymore….

I just don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I’m only 15 years old and a sophomore in high school and I already starting to believe that I’m screwed like hell. My parents keep on stressing the fact that the best I could go is UC Davis and not UCLA or Stanford. In freshmen year, I started off with a crappy GPA of 2.67. As the result, my father would sometimes come into my room either 12:00 or 5:00 A.M just to hit me and complain about my grades. My parents stopped calling me my given name and nicknamed me “2.67” or “Junk Child”. Because my sleep deprivation from both studying and  constant yelling, I had frequent suicide dreams or actual thoughts on the most peaceful way to end this crappy life. I just wanted to let my parents know I loved them, but at the same time make them regret for hurting me. However, I managed through. This year I thought it was going smoothly. I was able raise my weighted GPA by getting 4.20 for the first semester. However, I’m starting to slow down ever since I got 76% in AP World History only because my teacher input this one assignment missing when I turned it in. I told my father that it was some error and would talk to my teacher about it, but he started calling me “76”. My nerve finally burst and I attacked my father. I ended up on the floor with my father stopping on the temple of my head. I was drifting in and out of consciousness, but I managed to run out of the house for the night.  I still had a painful headache for the whole week. Months past and everything stabilized again but I just got in a verbal argument with my father again, and we began cussing at each other. I think I started it. Either way, my older brother came in and started beating me again,calling me a disrespectful prick. I’m not trying to be disrespectful to my father. I respect him for all the hours he does so that this family can survive. Sometimes, you wouldn’t come home for days just so he can finish his work. No matter how much pain  I looked back, I managed to smile with my father. No matter how many times I get hit, I don’t know why, but I could never hold onto a grudge. The way my parents still say they  love me with a sincere tone and expression, and let go of my flaws, I can’t help but only love them back. After all, every child gets some smacking from their parents. I accepted the pain as my past only so I just don’t want to see it happen again. This time, my brother started arguing with our mother, which eventually led to the intervention of my father and me. My brother and father started hitting each other where eventually my older sister called the cops. Before she made the call, my brother started yelling at me saying it’s all my fault for this fight and ran out of the house. Because I wrote so much already, I won’t go into details of why the family rumble occurred. Yet, I’m willing to say that I really do feel responsible for this fight. In fact, I know I am responsible. Now I just feel like I should have never been born again. I just don’t know anymore….