Proverbial Slap

I had a friend. Her cell phone stopped working. I couldn’t reach her any other way but through the computer. She lived too far away for me to see in person. She would disappear for months at a time after mentioning how she was feeling down and depressed. I couldn’t take the constant worrying about her. So, in one of those rare occasions when she was actually around, I snapped at her a bit. I let her know how much I worried and how much it hurt, trying to get in contact with her and then- Nothing. I guess she must have understood for a moment, because she promised- Just once every two weeks. Twice a month. Just a little word. Something to let me know she was okay… She promised she’d at least do that.

Yet, that seemed to be too much. A month or two of this and she stopped replying. It wasn’t like I was asking for long details of her day; no. Just a simple: I’m doing fine or I’m okay. That’s all I asked for. If she wanted to tell me more, then I was all ears. I just needed the reassurance she was okay-

So- Maybe I didn’t respond to her 2 month absence very well. But DAMN! I was hurt- She couldn’t even spare the minute or two it’d take to send three words. Yeah; I snapped a bit at her. I wasn’t exactly stable at that moment. I’d been in a rough spot a little earlier and was particularly anxious and a bit angry… I reminded her (bitterly) of her promise and sarcastically praised her keeping of it. But- This? Really?

I don’t have to justify anything to you.

And, to be frank, I find your neediness pretty annoying. I’m sorry that what ever sob story happened to you damaged your ability to trust and have faith in people, okay, that’s awful but I do not appreciate you shoving me in the same category as them and condemning me for, or having expectations that I will do, things other’s have done to you.

Me in that chat up there? Sorry for kissing your ass and not putting salt on your wounds when I should have.

You don’t OWN me. I don’t have to put my life and affairs aside for YOU.  If I don’t reply in what you consider an acceptable time then I don’t want to have to be nervous that you might be angry and busted up to the core about it. Then you pull this passive aggressive shit  and that really makes me want to correspond with you, right?

Why do you take my absence as an insult? Why do you take it so personal? You know, it’s not always about you and your feelings. In friendships, it’s dynamics outside of yourself. You need to be more flexible with your expectations with people because we’re just people. We fuck up. Life’s too short to hold grudges and gloom. That’s what you get when you’re fucking DEAD and 6 feet below in the dirt.

I hope your holidays were super, if not, I send my sympathy which never seems to be enough for you anyway.

I reread the e-mail over and over. Wondered if I’d just over-reacted. Then I start feeling insecure and get the urge to message her again. I sent a response, but still haven’t gotten any word back. Heh- Not that surprising, really.

My neediness is annoying. Okay. I’m sorry. You have every right to be angry; it’s not like I put a lot of tact in that message, after all.

It’s not like I was in a stable mind after getting home after almost getting raped.

Sorry for coming home and automatically worrying about friends that I go long periods without talking to. I’m sorry for my anxiety getting the better of me and feeling fear for your well-being because you could be hurt, even die, without me ever knowing and I would just be left wondering what I did to make us drift apart. Sorry for feeling bitter and angry about responding to your lack of contact that you had promised to keep but seemed to quickly forget. Sorry that a few words every two weeks is too much for you to spare.

Why is it such an insult to me? Maybe because I know how easily people disappear. Because I’ve seen people here one day and gone the next. Because since I can only contact you this way, I worry a lot. Because you broke a promise and I truly, honestly thought you wouldn’t. Because I, myself, don’t know how many days I have and I would hate to be gone and cause someone I’d cared about to find an old message from me that they’d never responded to and when they tried, they couldn’t reach me and when they looked into it, I was dead and they had to deal with holding onto all the things they never said while they could’ve-

My holidays were fine, thank you very much, just as I hope yours were as well despite the distance you obviously want now.

Okay. Fine then. I’m sorry for wasting your time, for setting you apart and making you special, for apparently putting unreasonable expectations on you- I’m sorry for caring too much. I’m sorry for making you feel hurt like this. Really. I am sorry. I’ll do my best to correct this mistake, now. I wish you well with getting into college and finding a happy life. Goodbye.