Well I’m officially 24 years old.
You know, aging has become a lot like gaining weight. You reach a certain number and you wonder why you let yourself get that far.
That’s how I’m feeling today.
If nothing goes right today, on my birthday, I’m making a helium bag.
i can feel myself gaining weight
i can feel the escalating urges to self mutilate
i can feel the loss of sanity
of minor happiness
i feel the pain that shouldn’t exist
i’m weak
too weak to kill myself
but too weak to give no fucks and live
this aching is tearing at my wounds
these thoughts drowning me
i’m suffocating by the sorrow that surrounds me
alone i’m feeling all of this
yet, alone, i feel nothing
… because i’m worthless.
I was a sad little girl. Â 35 years later, I’m a sad little girl who’s been on just about every medication possible. Â They all stop working after a few years.
I’ve never really had a relationship. Â I’m not sure what’s so unappealing. Â Maybe my sadness is more obvious than I think. Â Men don’t even pay attention to me. Â They never have. Â Having cute bubbly friends doesn’t help. Â My mother has nagged me about my weight since high school when I started gaining weight from the antidepressants.
I have a job and an education. Â I live in a rented 2 bedroom house that is much too big […]
I hate feeling sorry for myself. I realize how good I got it. How AWESOME my life would be to most. On the outside this “wanna-be hard ass” or that “beautiful smile that lights up a room” type of happy-go-lucky girl (As my 4th grade teacher would say). This girl who’s loud and fun to be around aka the LIFE of the party; that girl who doesn’t want the party to stop ……. That’s the problem ; that’s who you see … That’s who I allow you to see. I’m SUCH a good actress aren’t I? … because this girl inside , is dying … […]
So another day has come and past, another pointless, meaningless empty feeling remains and all that is left is the cold embrace of an empty bed.
5 Suicide attempts, 2 last minute resuscitations in hospital, endless weeks in a psychiatric unit and each and every time come out feeling the same way and return to the same emptiness and nothingness that is my life. Medications make me feel numb, neither happy nor sad, just more of that feeling of nothingness, again. It is so ironic that ALL antidepressants just make you docile, slow, bored and unable to feel anything of meaning. I have decided that with […]
I was reading on here a couple of weeks ago, and I saw something that someone said and it really stuck with me. They said “I’m not a person who wants to be alive. Im just a person who’s too afraid to die.” That pretty much sums me up. I don’t get a kick out of living. I don’t go to bed at night thinking of all the wonderful things I get to do tomorrow and aren’t I just so darn lucky that I get to just be alive?! No. I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up. But I always do. I would […]
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