Safe and Sound

I was reading on here a couple of weeks ago, and I saw something that someone said and it really stuck with me. They said “I’m not a person who wants to be alive. Im just a person who’s too afraid to die.” That pretty much sums me up. I don’t get a kick out of living. I don’t go to bed at night thinking of all the wonderful things I get to do tomorrow and aren’t I just so darn lucky that I get to just be alive?! No. I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up. But I always do. I would kill myself, but I’m too afraid of what would happen. What if I failed? I would be a joke and a disgrace for the rest of my life. What if I succeed? My mom would turn into a raging alcoholic. I can’t let that happen. What if it hurts? What if, what if? So I won’t kill myself. No. I’m too afraid to do that. So I’ll just keep going along with a fake smile plastered on my face. I’ll pretend to not hear the people call me fat. I’ll let it go on. I’ll live out the rest of my life in this fat body, struggling with extreme depression and bipolar. I’ll get married,have kids someday. But it will all be a big lie. I’ll hate myself until I’m not myself. I wanted to be something big. I wanted to do something important. But now my grades are in the toilet, I’m gaining weight, and im stuck in a stupid small town. I don’t care anymore. We moved here for my dad. So he could be happier and we could be better off financially. We moved here to be safe. I heard Taylor Swift’s new song “Safe and Sound” on the radio the other day. I went home and downloaded it and every time I listen to it my hard unassuming I don’t give a fuck attitude melts away and I just cry. It makes me think that I wanted to be safe and sound. I wanted a better life. But it is so much worse. I tried to be safe, and I failed. Now I’m just a girl who’s too afraid to die, so I pretend to be alive.