At the end?

I was a sad little girl.  35 years later, I’m a sad little girl who’s been on just about every medication possible.  They all stop working after a few years.

I’ve never really had a relationship.  I’m not sure what’s so unappealing.  Maybe my sadness is more obvious than I think.  Men don’t even pay attention to me.  They never have.  Having cute bubbly friends doesn’t help.   My mother has nagged me about my weight since high school when I started gaining weight from the antidepressants.

I have a job and an education.  I live in a rented 2 bedroom house that is much too big for me and my cats. I was doing well for a couple years on my Wellbutrin and started treatment for ADHD.  My psychiatrist thought that since most of my problems are not the existential type (I can’t finish what I start, I cut off ties with friends, I can’t get through a book, I fail classes) my depression might be rooted in ADHD.  I took Adderall at a conservative dose, on weekends taking less.  It did help me finish things and start to leave my house more.

After several years of planning, I decided to go through with artififial insemination. I discontinued Adderall and  got pregnant right away.  I was so happy.  Life was never like this, I didn’t care about me and my sadness anymore, I cared about protecting the new life I was creating.  The happiness was short.  I had a “missed miscarriage” at 9 weeks.  I was okay at first, but the last few weeks have been brutal.  It’s not so much the miscarriage itself, it’s that my best friend and my mother both told many people in their circles about the pregnancy.  Now I just feel embarassed.  I only told a couple of people, those who I could “untell.”

I’ve wanted to swallow bottles of pills every night this week.  I promised a therapist I wouldn’t.  I don’t have anything that would be a sure thing and I’m not willing to risk failing at suicide.  I’ve failed enough.  I think I am more disappointed that no one calls or emails.  My “friends” and family all know I am very upset, but I guess they don’t really care.  They always say they love me, but their actions always indicate otherwise.  I am so alone and nobody understands.  Thanks for reading if you got this far.