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I have struggled with the desire to kill myself for over 20 years. I feel like a total failure. Despite being married and financially stable with my job, it isn’t good enough. One day I will be brave enough.

Yesterday my psychologist suggested to me that I am “addicted to suicidal thinking”. We did not get around to fully explore this, but I would like to post the question if this resonates with anybody. If I understand this right, it’s a “process addiction”, that is: an addiction not to a substance, but to an action you keep doing which short term provides relief from pain or even joy, but long term is destructive. Examples are gambling, shopping, sex addiction. In my case, because something/somebody in my past robbed me of my sense of self, of my ability to feel joy, of my ability to […]

It’smy son’s 17th birthday today. For his sake, for his birthday, I dragged myself out of bed to talk to him before he went to school. We were talking and laughing even though I was screaming inside with pain. He is such a handsome and wonderful young man, and the thought of leaving him without a mum is unbearable. At the same time, the thought of living on is equally unbearable. Nothing but pain. Who else is out there who lives _only_ in order to spare his/her loved ones the pain. My plan is still to kill myself in a few days, and today […]

Hi, I have been reading posts for the last few days. I am a 45 year old mother of two teenagers, and have been emotionally and sexually abused in my first marriage, for 12 years. Although this is now more than 10 years ago, now it has come back to haunt me. I’ve had depression before, but this time it is very serious, I’ve been in and out of a psychiatric hospital this year, been seriously depressed for about a year now. Today I more or less decided that enough is enough, and I will end my life in the next few days. Tomorrow is […]

Well since i was in 5th grade i have always known in some sick way that i would not live a long life. I in truth did not want one. Now i am 17 and that to me is surprising.
My life has always been hard, but sometimes as i got older life got i guess more bearable. Recently though my relationship of almost 2 years ended. This is stupid i know, but its all my fault. I cheated and the boy i cheated with meant nothing to me. I have been trying to move on, i […]

I’ve often thought that the best choice for me is suicide. And most of the time, I don’t even know why.

My life isn’t as bead as others; I still have both parents, they aren’t divorced or fighting (much), I don’t have a loved one who’s died or been killed… but I still can’t handle living.

Every day… I can’t figure out what I’m doing. I have no control… hardly any friends… And I know it’s stupid, but I get really upset over two stupid things: looking the way I do, and not having anyone like me as more than a “friend”.

I have two different personalities– the […]