Not hurting my mum is starting to not be enough to keep me living.
I’m scared. Maybe being scared is a good thing, but suicide has stopped being an idea to become a real possibility.
Two weeks and I’ll be 25. Or not.
Tag:
good
i feel so disappointed with myself. i have completed nothing in my life. im not good at anything not art not band nothing at all and it freaks me out. just thinking of what i have to do just to be an adut i feel so lazy for a long life
So, the “he” from my last update said hi today. Yes, he is in prison & he’s not supposed to have contact with me or the family at all. But he told his mom to tell “the guys” that he said hi. From now on, I shall refer to “him” as James. Of course, for the sake of privacy for both him & his family, that is not his actual name.
Anyways, that one small word made me fucking melt in both good & bad ways. When my mother walked upstairs to inform me of his greeting, my heart just fucking stopped. Every little memory […]
Waiting for the outcome of a criminal investigation. Could take months. A few weeks ago I was on top of the world. Now the good things are all in the past. Lost my job. Worst of all, whatever happens I’m putting my family through hell. Not sure I can live with that. They don’t deserve this pain. Better off without me I think. Nights are best. I want to stop the world at 1 a.m. Hate it when dawn comes up. Another pointless day to struggle through. Everyone else is doing stuff, contributing to the world. As I was, up to a few weeks […]
my best friend has turned into a total jerk lately. he has literally taken the only thing i cared about and then threw it away like it was trash. he’s taken the past two girls I’ve actually liked from me one of them while he was still hooking up with my ex-girlfriend. he’s stopped talking to me completely and still tries to hang out with all our other friends without me. granted we all talk about it behind his back and we all kinda hate him now. i had decided this guy was gonna be my best man at my wedding. we’ve known each other […]
I´m going to have to have dialysis again, I´m being accused of a crime I didn´t comit, impossible to find a good woman. Just can´t stand my life and it failures and people keep asking me for money in the street. I´m so angry with everything…
I was so happy yesterday. I had a drink with some friends and they were so surprised and happy to see me ok. I had a good time.
So I can’t understand why I woke up today wanting to die, and why all the problems seem so big that I’m afraid to even think about them.
My parents weren’t perfect by any means. They made their fair share of mistakes raising me. But their intent was always good. They tried their best to help me all the way to the end.
I know that when I’m gone it will devastate them. They have been living in fear of this for the last several months. It hasn’t been easy for them. I regret putting them through this pain. But it wasn’t my choice.
My brother and sister live far away so I don’t see them very often anymore. They will be hurt, too, and so will their kids. No more uncle for them. I […]
This world is boring , boring world . why movies, games, anime/manga, fantasy / imagination is better than this world / better than life / real life / real world / reality ?
by niki
written by niki
I hate this world .
This world is so boring , boring world !
Why movies , games , anime / manga, & fantasy / imagination is better than this world / better than life / real life / real world / reality ?
everyday life is the same : wake up, eat, go to school/work, boring, then go back home, eat, then sleep, then repeat again.
but movie / game / anime / manga / comics / books are much more exciting & interesting than this boring life !
for example: like in the world / universe of Harry Potter, Avatar, Lord of the Rings, […]
I’d gone almost sixty days since my last suicidal thought. My court date last week changed all of that and suicide is again heavy on my mind. Now I am faced with the prospect of my future self being happier than my current self. Which do I believe. I don’t see happiness in the future.
i feel like I am a sim.
Someone is directing me from above, and is having a jolly good time at it. My wants come up, my needs…they ignore them. Instead I jump through hoops, following their torturous whims, all without questioning why…
i wish they knew the cheats for the game. They’d certainly have done “death by flies” to me by now, and we’d both be better off because no one is having fun.
Theres a great psych doctor on youtube his search name is drofmindmd and he deals with suicidal patients as well as schizophrenic and bi polar. If you need to know anything about a drug or illness thats what you should do. Good luck!
Saw my new counselor today, for I think the 3rd time. She’s nice and all, but I think naïve. Nothing she says really makes me feel any better. Next week she says we’re going to work on the grief I’m feeling over the breakup of my marriage. Sounds like a good plan to me, but I don’t really see myself getting over being dumped after 24 years of marriage. Taking new anti-depressant but its not helping. Visiting with my son tomorrow which is good, but in a way he just reminds me how much the ex hates me. The misery is just a constant now, […]
i’m so done with life. i have been for a very long time now. thing is i don’t have the guts to do myself in. i wish i did, then my suffering would have been over a very long time ago. i’ve had people, family who were supposed to love me, tell me that they hate me and hope i die. well good for them. i’ve ceased to matter to anyone and i don’t care anymore. i want to be out of here, not because they want me to be, but because i want to be. fuck all the rest. if only i had the […]
well just to start i was adopted young from poland. there was alcohol and abuse, and i was in really bad shape when they got me outta there. i have ptsd from everything. that abuse. now i feel like i can do nothing right. im out of school, doing online classes instead. im severely isolated. i dont go out to exercise and im starting to put on weight. i find myself unnatractive. people have never liked me. idk why. i have a gf right now. she lives in canada. and we’ve never met. its online, but she aint a catfish cuz we have skyed and […]
So it’s been a while since I’ve posted properly. Had a good vent.
Honestly, it’s because I haven’t needed to. Things are good. They feel good. Only they don’t really feel good. Not like they should. Not like they did.
Made a new friend. It’s nice having a new friend. Distracts you from your own life.
I have a nice little community, a nice support system, if you will. And we all look out for each other. And they just accepted me in one day. And they treat me like a friend, they are genuinely interested in my life and how I’m doing. I haven’t had that in […]
Yeah, I slept two hours, about four the night before. Been pretty sociable lately (kinda unusual for me). Have joined a Recovery Service for peeps with addictions, there are a ton of groups, therapies, classes, my every waking moment will be full yay!
It’s just the sort of thing I’ve been looking for and needing…stuff to get me out of the house every day and provide structure and plenty of social interaction.
And I’ve been reconnecting with long-time friends with whom the contact had lapsed. It feels good folks!
Whole days have gone by without me singing little dirges to myself about wanting to die soon and leave […]
Gummy bears, Jack Daniel’s, good beer, great bud, Volbeat live on u tube on a huge TV with mad surround sound and I still hate life. To those that mean it blow your Fukin head off, that’s the closest to definite your gonna get!!! That’s REAL mofo’s! WURD!!!
I am 55 male and have been suffering from depression for over 2 decades. I guess it all started a bit earlier when my mum committed suicide in front of me at the age of 8. That image never cease to haunt me…
Ever since my mother’s death, i buckled all my emotions and managed to do well in uni and got a very well paid job. I was respected in the community but now this dark cloud has amassed over my head again and tried as i have like in the past. I cant go on. I used to draw strength from my son , […]
I am a girl in high school. I don’t have a lot of friends and recently I quarreled with my so-called best friend. I used to have lunch and go back home with her every day. Now that we have had a fight, we no longer talk. I need to ask someone else to go back home and have lunch with me every single day. I feel like I am bringing troubles to people. I feel like they are just too nice so they wouldn’t refuse me even though they really think that I am annoying. I don’t dare talking to my so-called friends about […]