Sometimes, I do wonder. How could hell be a place much worse than here? At least there, I’d know why I’m there. I dont know why I’m here. I’ve always wanted to be the person..the one who helps out that kid..the kid that no one knows is going through something, or feeling llonely, or contemplating suicide…I realized tonight that no one feels this way but me. I AM that kid. Â The kid that silently feels like a screw up..the one who relies on men because they have no one else. The one who feels lonely and hides well enough that everyone thinks im fine. I […]
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Holding My Breath
I cant breath I cry and I am facing a pillow I ralize I cant breath and I am holding my breath half of my mind is telling me its okay and my body is screaming WHAT ARE U DOING START BREATHINGSTOP BEING STUPID AND IS CUSSING I looked info on suicide and how people act I noticed I am like that ii cry and say how did I get here and I realize my mom is a drunk and druggie she dint even care enough when I was in her stomach to not do drugs not me or my lil sist. but my […]
Tomorrow I’m seeing my doctors because they’ve made that decision for me and my grandparents have decided that they will make decisions and support other people’s decisions that have been made for me, even though I haven’t made them. Ok. Do I want to live like this? No. I can’t let some of my family members down. I can’t let myself down especially.. I’m no longer a nice person towards my grandparents. I hate their guts. They’re helpful to me because they have to be. I’m sometimes nice to them because I have to be. My two doctors nearly referred me to the mental staff […]
About 5 years ago my youngest sister was molested by my “mothers” husband. She was only 7 years old at the time and I was 11. As you could imagine I didn’t know what to think at the time. If the claim was true or not, I wasnt there. Of course she told her schools guidance counselor, she needed to tell someone. Next thing I knew, some lady from social services picked me up from school and not knowing what was going on I asked her if she knew. Til this day I really have no idea why she got all in my face about […]
Breathing helps MARGINALLY .
I feel so guilty like I did something wrong, I don’t think I did but I CANT CONTROL THIS FEELING. I always find myself holding my breath and it helps
but I heard its not good to do this? I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this! But for some reason it feels like I deserve it.
I can’t even eat, no appetite but I think this makes me more nervous because my stomach starts growling, but when i do eat I feel like I’ll throw up.
I’ve tried everything. But i feel its involuntary.
 I want to escape.
I don’t like to say that things in my life are bad. Because bad is such an arbitrary word. Bad to one person can hold an entirley different meaning to another person… So what is bad really? Then, there’s so many components to the things that I DO truley believe are bad… which leads me to question if it’s really bad at all?
That being said, I don’t know if things are bad. The things I am about to expond upon are the events that I am trying to base my opinion off of… the events that foster my emotions. I’m not saying that I’ve had it bad or good. I’m […]
So I forgot to close out this website before letting my mom borrow my computer. I don’t want to talk to her about it. Why? Because there is no communicating with her. I’ve tried before. -chuckles- You know what she said? “If you do it don’t do it here”. Like that is going to make me open up to her. I wont say I HATE my mother, cause I don’t except when I’m mad lol but I do dislike her ALOT. I just don’t understand why people are so blind. I’m not perfect. There I said it. But I am trying to work on myself […]