Taken from Robert Crumb’s Plunge Into The Depths […]
Tag:
Hopeful
I used to think that the tears would never stop, the urges would never cease, and the thoughts of suicide would only grow stronger. I am here, two years suicide-thought free to tell each and everyone of you, this too shall pass. It takes time, so much time. I was lucky to be able to say “I need help” and I got it.
I never looked in the mirror and thought of something that I liked about myself. Never. I began thinking that this was how I would always feel. Never pretty, or skinny, or good enough. I was feeling this way and just assumed it was […]
The people who live in this world are all pieces of shit and some are even worse than me. Wrost of all the majority can’t even see that their lives are worthless.
Life doesn’t have a meaning so they try their hard to find something to fullfil the fucking hole in the middle of their chests. And they think that’s OK.
I just don’t kill myself because I’m too afraid of what happens then. So I’ll have to fight for something I don’t want and see the world like a fucking rainbow and be HOPEFUL.
FUCK THIS SHIT.
Nothing ever changes,
even when you say it will.
You’ve always been a liar.
Filling yourself with falsity.
Hopeful lies,
and a grin so wide,
your skin could tear.
I’ve seen what lies beneath
the sleeves of your favorite sweater.
I have seen your ugliest truth.
The beautiful marks
that stain your skin
as a reminder of a night
you forgot to swallow your pill.
Living in a world of hazed confusion,
trying to block out the truth
with an upped dosage,
and a sharper edge.
Where do you hide?
Pretending this will work,
and stifle the pain.
But I can hear you cry at night.
Keep pretending.
Just a little longer, my dear.
but soon. i’m ~30. this is a long time coming. it’s been in the back of my thoughts as long as anything else at this point. i guess it just got to be where i was impossibly tired of failing at getting better, not hurting people by being unstable, etc. i always felt too much of an obligation to my family/friends/significant others, or just got scared. the utter frustration of repeated failure eventually ground that fear down. it’s a relief! it’s the first thing that’s made sense in a long time. the only odd thing about it is the surreality of getting one’s affairs in […]
it has been a week since last week’s drama. i go in for an appt tomorrow and i am nervous. going to the scene of the crime. i hope no one there will recognize me as the loser who had a police escort out of the building. my emotions run the gamut from being hopeful about the future to actively suicidal. even when i was at the hut i found myself writing down lyrics to songs about suicide. if you are into rock music you know metallica’s fade to black and megadeth’s a tout le monde. again my “death wish” comes through. the fact that […]
I watched the movie “Castaway” again today. “I am so sad…but I know what I have to do now.”
by isaac
written by isaac
I had forgotten how much that film resonated with me when it first came out; how I cried and cried because of the loss, the tragedy, the helplessness, the irresolute – albeit hopeful – ending. Â The words still resonate with me today, now, even while contemplating my own will to exist:
“…We both had done the math.
Kelly added it all up…and knew she had to let me go.
I added it up, and knew that I’d…I’d lost her…’cause I was never going to get off that island. I was going to die there…totally alone…I mean, I was going to get sick, or get injured or something…
The […]
When I look in the mirror, all that I can see is emptiness inside of me and I ask myself…
Who am I?
On the outside it seems to clear.. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend…but who am I?
Every morning when I awake, I tell myself it is time to put on a show..don’t want no one to know, what I feel when I am alone. I can’t let them see the tears I cry.. As keep all my fears hidden deep inside..
I tell myself; I do not know how much more I can take before this life I choose to forsake..
It seems to easy […]
Well it’s official. Went to the GP again today, and after a long talk with a very nice doctor (making a point of saying he was very nice because i’ve had some crappy doctors in the past) i’ve now been given a prescription for anti-depressants. I’m both happy and sad about this. Happy because finally, maybe, i might get some control over how i feel and sad because it’s actually taken medication to get this sorted out. Medication was kind of the option i was saving for last. In the UK medication isn’t usually the first option they jump to, but he knows the councelling […]
Every morning, no matter what, I wake up feeling pain. Even if the previous day was great, Â I wake up with sadness. Â I suppose this is just the nature of depression, but I wish I could at least wake up feeling hopeful, even if the rest of my day is terrible.
Life is just luck of the draw
I wish I was luckier. Life has been going down hill for such a long time, and honestly I’m not sure I can endure.
I’m growing so tired, even my health is declining. I feel so sick, and I’m only 18
Life doesn’t seem to hopeful, and its not just because I’m young,
everything in this world is controlled by might, by power, and I, have no power
Sure, everything is in the mind, illusion and manipulation, but honestly I’m so tired
This world is full of the mindless, the uncaring and ignorant
So many horrible things are […]
My heart is breaking. i cannot do this anymore. i’m just a shell of who i was, im no longer there, so why do you try to keep me here, when it’s not me anymore? my demons have overpowered me, the voices in my head have overpowered me, and the people have too….
i cannot keep living this way, i will not survive the physical and emotion pain anymore. im sick off this. i cant keep living. it hurts to wake up in the morning. i wish i could be strong like him, but i cant. It hurts to breathe. I wish […]