it has been a week since last week’s drama. i go in for an appt tomorrow and i am nervous. going to the scene of the crime. i hope no one there will recognize me as the loser who had a police escort out of the building. my emotions run the gamut from being hopeful about the future to actively suicidal. even when i was at the hut i found myself writing down lyrics to songs about suicide. if you are into rock music you know metallica’s fade to black and megadeth’s a tout le monde. again my “death wish” comes through. the fact that the clinic is right next to the river i have identified as plan b makes it a rather emotionally charged place. i am at home alone and that is when i do most of my thinking or ruminating depending on one’s perspective. my need to keep secrets was on full display over the weekend. we went out with long time friends . never said a word about what had happened. i don’t anticipate saying anything to friends or family about last week’s melodrama. what would be the point? being the resourceful person i am i found a way around the mental person’s gun ban. gun shows don’t do background checks. hurray for the good ole us of a. but that is neither here nor there. it is an option if deemed necessary. right now i am a confused mess. what is it that i want? life or death? i don’t know. i am just plain exhausted.
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“What came first – the music or the misery? Did I listen to the music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to the music? Do all those records turn you into a melancholy person?â€
― Nick Hornby, High Fidelity
“People worry about kids playing with guns, and teenagers watching violent videos; we are scared that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands – literally thousands – of songs about broken hearts and rejection and pain and misery and loss.â€
― Nick Hornby, High Fidelity
the misery comes first. i am well north of kid status. i can tell you that listening to those songs didn’t make me suicidal. they speak to me when those feelings are there. otherwise it is just music. listening to songs about pain and loss is just a commentary on the human condition. no need to sugar coat reality.
Can you not be home alone? Because if you can, it’ll be a good help already, to make you feel better.
Distracting yourself and having something to do uring the day or even night helps a lot, specially if you’re not alone. 🙂
the major malfunction in my current house bound status is underemployment!! i only work part time so i am home often during the week. when the rest of the world is working. i know get another job right? excuse me that was my husband talking. that is a whole other story. anyway i am used to being alone a lot. my current choice for distraction is intoxicating substances. awesome way to do housework . crank the tunes , and enjoy the buzz. buzzing nicely now. therapy sessions are a bit on the stressful side these days.