I’m just so sick of being sad, the worse part is I can’t explain why I’m even sad… I wrote a note and it seemed like I was drunk and crazy at the same time, it makes sense in my head but I can’t get it out…. I find myself researching ways to end it that won’t upset people if they find me, why am I so worried still about pleasing people
Tag:
in my head
The reason that I hated the medication was not only because it made what little wits I had disappear….it was because of the false “happiness” that it seemed to give me. Not even happiness…all it did was tarnish the true feelings of sadness, invalidated it by erasing the memories of what caused my pain. So I was left with the sadness, the depression, but a feeling that I was inflicting it upon myself, making me feel even more worthless. As if this pain was…made up. All in my head. I want to run away into space and never come back. I want to disappear. So […]
Tears taste salty. When you just shed tears, they give a sensation of warmth in the eyes. When they roll down to the cheeks and neck, it feels cold. After crying for about an hour the tears stop rolling no matter how hard you cry inside.Crying all nights gives early morning headaches. These are facts I never thought I would have to acknowledge someday. But, here I am practically experiencing every inch of it. Its not coming to an end. I’m not sure if this tunnel chose me or I chose that, but I am walking through a dark tunnel and I can’t see light. […]
When that one feeling comes back, where you feel like your too worthless to be cared about but there has to be someone out there that can help cant there and there must be hope somewhere i just cant help but think that i am some useless amd worthless hore that needs to be killed or should of done suicide when i had the chance just sitting in my room crying and replaying in my head how shit my life has been no one round no one to look after me. How am i supposed to carry on when i feel like shit in the […]
This is just one part of my life that is causing me pain. I used to describe my self as kind, sweet, and caring. Now I describe myself as a slut and a liar. I just turned 19 and I lost my virginity two months ago. That wouldn’t be so bad except that I’ve already slept with three guys in those two months. I usually don’t have sex sober, way too insecure about my scars. Now onto the liar part. My relationship with the second guy, lets call him Jeff, is friends with benefits but we both said that we wouldn’t sleep with other people. […]
What am i supposed to do with these horrible thoughts swirling around in my mind ?
It makes me feel like im going insane. No one gets me or understands my feelings.
I used to cut myself and since ive stopped i cant seem to shake the urging want , and
need to relapse. Ive tried to tell my parents but they just kinda blew it off. Everyday i think
about killing myself in MANY different ways but something is keeping from doing it. The little
fucking voices in my head are yelling at me and saying just do it , just kill yourself there’s […]
I’m on this site just to put down what’s in my head, because I can never say it out loud. So, I’m probably going to sound really stupid, but whatever. My mom’s really been getting on me about grades lately. I’m an A student, but currently have a B in chemistry and a C in trig, which is a level above my grade. I know she’s just trying to be a good parent, but I just don’t get why it matters. Why does it matter if I have a B and a C? Why would it matter if that prevents me from getting into some […]
TL;DR
I did something stupid today
How is it, that we just can’t help doing things, we know, we will regret after, be it little or big things.
Even things from the past, that we should learn from, we always manage to do again, despite knowing we will end up regretting it badly.
Not a big thing, not like other mistakes that have been made, but still.
I went to the store today, don’t know why, didn’t really need it, knew it would be a problem, still did it.
First 50 yards wasn’t bad, then as I got near, and the people started to appear, I could […]
i always have this plan in the back of my head. a way out when things get too much. i have attempted in the past (tomorrow is my one year out of the psych ward! which is a huge accomplishment because i cannot tell you when the last time i made it a full year without some sort of admission). my plan is simple. find a favorite spot on a beautiful sunny cool day. find a bench or a place on the grass. drink the water bottle that i would have previously opened capsules of meds and dissolved in the water. and fade away in […]
i can feel myself slipping and it’s terrible. i know i should care, i know it should matter, but battling this other voice in my head just gets harder everyday
i’m not supposed to use the word ‘should.’ well, “it would be nice” if i didn’t think about this all the time. it would be nice if i had any self-control whatsoever. it would also be nice if i could remember and apply anything you taught me. it would be nice if i weren’t so self-destructive, if there wasn’t so much hatred, all the time. it would also be nice if the simple fact that […]
Ever feel like everything would be okay if you could just climb out of your skin and be the person you were meant to be? I think that I would have been an okay person. Not a Nobel Prize winner, but okay. I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay, tired of wondering what people would think if they knew what was really in my head. My husband deserves a better wife, and my son deserves a better mother, they deserve that person i could have been.
I’ve tried explaining the intrusive thoughts from OCD to someone, they made some awkward joke about OCD and […]
Goodbye, From AnonKun (I have replaced my real name with AnonKun whenever it appears)
I am very aware that many readers of this note may be surprised upon discovering it that I committed suicide. Please know that this was not a spur of the moment decision. This is not a decision I made lightly, or one that was imposed on me by people, society, or circumstance. This is a painful decision I made after years of on and off suffering with no logical conclusion or end in sight.
To address what is likely the most immediate question, I will explain why I chose to take […]
I’m 30 now and have a family. I have a wife, a son, a house (rented), a car, a job. I still remember the very first time I wished I was dead. And I’m exhausted because 20 years later, not a day goes by when I don’t still feel like that. Sometimes it will just be a fleeting thought and sometimes it will be an entire day of wrestling with my own psyche to overpower those feelings.
I remember having those ‘wish I’d never been born’ feelings. I was about 10. I was bullied. At home, at school, in the street. I guess I was always […]
I miss you so much. I miss talking with you, I miss being with you, your company was my distraction from the dark void in my head.
The flashbacks I’m having are brutal. I constantly want to kill everyone around me. The anxiety and anger is just getting worse. I can’t go out in public without my eyes darting back and forth like someone is out to get me. I hate people.
Last therapy session made me rehash things that I long buried, I relived the shock and disgust. Therapist even commented on the scared look in my face. I just dont know what to do anymore.
Why is it so hard to be happy with your life?
People always say you should be happy and blessed that you’re even alive. Really?
I find my life to be so stressful and horrible. I find it so hard to be happy. I always worry about my future. Then I consider suicide and it makes me feel better. Like I don’t have to deal with anything or anyone anymore. I would go into my life details, but there’s no point really.
I guess I can say the only reason I want to live is for other people, but is that how it should be?
How can I make […]
I feel so pathetic. My life hasn’t even been that bad. I’ve never been physically abused by anyone. Both my parents are alive, and my family isn’t poor…
So why do I feel so depressed… So empty? I feel so tired, but I’m only 13. Why?
Maybe it’s because I have to put on a mask whenever someone is around, after all it’s been that way since I was 9… I think I’m even starting to trick myself with my own mask.
I feel like an actor in a play I never auditioned for… My script is prewritten and made to deceive, my mask to convince. I can’t […]
Living each day with so much difficulty, having to force myself through each task or activity is so exhausting. I don’t even have the energy to commit to dying. I wish there was a switch to flip so it could just end. I feel like a burden on my husband. He is so good to me and all I do is treat him like shit and fuck up his life with all my bullshit. I am torn between wanting to live for them and wanting to die for them. . . and for me. I’m just not strong enough to keep going. I just […]
I just want my depression and the voices to end, I had the best job and the best wife and lost it all. I have lost my life, my confidence and all my friends. Am currently studying again and doing really well, but hearing voices to commit suicide and having depression big time sucks as if I can’t pull myself out of a grave. And yes I do take meds.
I have gone through suicide in my head thousands of times and know of the painless method I will actually carry this out. Just need to save some money. It’s pain vs pleasure for me and […]
DISCLAIMER: What you’ll about to read is not a story its more of a rant, no, its a glimpse of what is on my mind and how my mind works and thinks. I wrote this disclaimer after i’ve written the things below.. I’m not sure if someone will understand it, or even understand what im trying to accomplish, but i do hope someone is, in someway, is the same as me..
My mind is my greatest enemy. My mind brings me pain. My mind is a super highway of thoughts i cant keep track of. My mind fears the unknown, its such a curse to always […]
First post I’ve read on this website was titled “Depressed Aquarius”, and I can relate to everything in there. I am an Aquarian too, and they say Aquarians are thinkers, no, overthinkers, but I am not quite sure if that is true for everyone, but for me it is. I had two aquarius ex girlfriends and I don’t think they tend to overthink as much as I do. I have never been diagnosed with depression or any mental health, I’ve never even consulted any medical professionals regarding it, but I have an ex girlfriend who was majoring in psychology in college when we were still […]