Yep…I’m losing hope. Again. I can only pray that next time I attempt suicide I succeed, in the hope that I don’t have to exist anymore. Who wants heaven or hell? It’s bullshit. I want to just not exist.
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I’m 35, but I’ve been battling with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was a child. I was fat and smart in school. A perfect candidate for ridicule. Which I endured. Home wasn’t much better. My 2 brothers didn’t like me, and my mother is an alcoholic. My father worked all the time and when ever my mom and I would fight, and I tried to talk to my dad about it, I would be told not to since, because I was “trying to pit him against his wife, and she would win every time.” I ran away. When I […]
In the morning I want to die
in the morning I want to cry
in the morning they don’t see my tears,
in the morning they don’t live my fears.
And at night it’s even worse,
I think I have some type of curse.
at night I lie awake thinking, “Why am I still here?”
they don’t need me so now where?
And at night I lie awake
thinking about the morning.
I just spent 10 days in the hospital on suicide watch. The only person to see me was my wife and kids. My one friend and that’s it. I laid in bed so alone and upset. Where did I go so wrong in my life. Have a kick ass career and 2 beautiful girls. It all started when I was a kid. My grandmother use to put me in a closet so she could tell my dad I wasn’t there when he came to pick me up. I grew up always wanting my dad and couldn’t understand why he wasn’t there. Than my mom married […]
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
And God saw the light and told us it was good;
And most of us believed Him.
But some of us did not; some of us could not dance and frolic and sacrifice our sons in His name,
Because it didn’t make any sense.
So God told his followers that we are evil;
And there was hatred in the world.
And those of us who dwelt in darkness were cast out, mocked, tormented and beaten. And God made large stone & steel buildings where we were to be taken and fed drugs to make us stop being […]
“maybe tomorrow will change my mind…”
“maybe tomorrow will bring something i can’t predict or foresee, that will be worth the wait, and all the lost time…”
“maybe i don’t have to go yet, and maybe tomorrow won’t be as bad as it always seems to end up being…”
But… probably not.
Maybe i’m tired of deluding myself in the name of survival… since survival itself seems to be a detrimentally fruitless endeavor.
If i have to go through the mental acrobatics of deluding myself intentionally… i need to gain something worthwhile, to justify doing that. But that doesn’t seem to ever happen.
So i keep thinking…
“maybe tomorrow…”
People can just really screw you over sometimes. Each and every person is capable of being disloyal, dishonest, fake, or cruel. so why take the risk? If there is any possible chance that someone will leave or lie or whatever, why go to them for help?
Youre all you’ve got in the world.
Theres nothing that scares me more than the word “alone”. Whenever I hear this, my heart speeds up a bit. I think that’s my biggest fear: being alone. But I am. I can’t trust anyone but myself. And I can’t even trust myself in some situations. It’s terrifying. I am unpredictable. And maybe that […]
I think about it all the fucking time. It would be easy to end the pain, suffering, and self hate that I feel daily. No more depression. No more cutting. Just ignorant bliss. I don’t know what will happen but I do know it would be better than the misery I live now. I can’t live with myself. I am “living” in a constant hell and it’s killing me; it’s actually slowly driving me insane. So the question is how will I do it? There are so many different options; hanging, suffocation, drowning, slitting my wrists, overdose, jumping, electrocution and so much more. I’ve written […]
Imagine :
your at the beach only you , you walk through the sand and turn to the ocean staring off into the horizon.
you feel this pull towards the ocean so you start walking in;
3ft. Calm cool collected staring at the beautiful sunset
6ft your paddling slowly wading in the water staring at the sunset still.
10ft your getting closer to the sunset seeing its beauty.
14ft you think how your getting back.
17ft you realize you can’t see the shore anymore.
19ft you wanna go back but you can’t you don’t know […]
I didn’t have a childhood; I don’t remember it. I don’t remember anything properly until age 13. I’ve heard stories; trips to disneyland, birthdays, holidays. I don’t remember anything.
When I was 15, a memory came back to me. A series of memories, in flashbacks.
I was four. I remembered all those times you left me alone in the basement; I remember crying so loudly that the neighbours called social services and I almost got taken away. I remembered that time you were on the telephone, screaming to somebody that you were going to kill yourself and me.
The last memory I have is of the day you […]
So I haven’t really been on lately, because of family issues so I got my laptop taken away and such. Well, I did this thing on instagram where it was a contest for the best recovery poem and I didn’t win *tears*. But here’s the poem I wrote for the contest. Hope you like it. (By the way, it got weird and turned from 1st person to 3rd. So I don’t really know what happened there .-.)
My tears fill the empty hole in the floor, As I say to myself – please no more. The blade lay silent on the bed, rusted and my blood […]
Depression is not a heavy dissatisfaction with life. It is not a physiological cry for help. It is not an extreme form of sadness. Depression is the result of losing a beloved aspect of one’s life. Whether it’s one’s loved one, or a prized possession, or a concept… the loss of that which is loved causes the depression.
Our identities only fully exist in the hearts of those who care for us. We exist in our own bodies, but who we are is what we place in the consciousnesses of our dearest friends and family. Losing someone that important–or even losing something that important–feels like […]
Okay so i’ve dealt with depression for most of my life.. but more recently it’s gotten worse and i’ve been fairly suicidal for a month. Anyways.. in the past month or so i’ve been told things, advised things, suggested things… and i keep wanting to scream back at them with frustration. So here is my rant, maybe some of you can relate.
1.) Maybe it’s just a seasonal depression, lots of people get sad during winter. -No.. last time i checked i’ve had this for most of my life and the weather should not make someone suicidal
2.) If you’re ever feeling suicidal or thinking about making […]
what bothers me is that there are so many people in the world. so many people are depressed. so many people cut. so many people have lost someone they love. so many people have attempted suicide. so many people have gone through with it. so what makes me any different? Â if I killed myself tonight, why would it matter? I’m one of many so it wouldn’t cause any damage. the world wouldn’t stop so why dont I just do it? how much damage will really be done? not much. the thing is, I’m scared of what will happen if I don’t go through with it. […]
I’ll start with my earliest memory of running around my living room while people where drinking and taking drugs the last thing I remember is being put back to bed by a junkie. My mum always used to beat me from time to time. When I was around 7 she meet a guy called Stephen. She would give him money when there was no food in the house and I had nothing to eat I would go to my grans who lived around the corner from me to get some of her biscuits to try and kill the hunger as I would go days without […]
It took me awhile to realize that I only ever come on this site when ever I’m down. I wish I could come here just ONCE and say “hey am doing well ” and I though that I was.. I think I’ve been doing good. I mean I haven’t been cutting my self. But am sad all the time. A while back I was sitting in my room cutting my self in the dark. And my mom walked in. So I took the razor and shoved it under my pillow and all she did was. Sat on the bed. Pulled me into her […]
I have a mean to end it all.
Painlessly.
Yet, I can’t do it.
Indeed, those before me.
Were cowards, not at all.
I am not mercurial.
But I know, somehow.
I’m too tired to follow through.
This existence seriatim.
I look skyward,
and see nothing.
“Show yourself, You coward”.
Indeed, I was shouting
in the wrong direction.
I have a choice,
between lost eyesight,
or continuing a decadent existence.
I wish I could’ve somehow,
fight against our fall.
If only they know,
how much I love them.
Hey guys, I’m pretty new here. So have patience as I try to learn how things work. Anyway, here goes my rant/story.
I don’t remember where I read it, but referring to the title of my post, this quote went along the lines of describing depression like a cold. The good food is there to eat, but you just can’t taste it. In the same way, the good in life is there, the beauty is there, but you can’t grasp it. I can see it, I can’t grasp it. And when I do, it’s fleeting. That hurts. It’s like I only exist now to please my loved ones.
I’m […]
It’s not really worth living in is it? when you think about it, there are at least 100 unspeakable things that happen every second, we as people are dirty, filthy things unworthy of life if we do those kind of things with it….i just started posting here but i think that this world is filthy and just not worth living in. I hate it, and i feel an almost inherent hatred for a lot of people in it, if that makes me some kind of weirdo or psycho or sociopath then so be it, but thats just what i observe from living on this shit […]
Days like today I look at my life and all the things that lead me to this point and I want to cry. Why me, why couldn’t I just be left to be happy with the one thing I wanted the most in this world? Happiness to me is like a high feeling like living in a fantasy, why couldn’t I just be left alone to live out that fantasy? But no reality had to step in and make itself known, and after that it was all ruined.Everything is changing and it is a permanent change, an inevitable change. I want to cry I want […]