I should be working on the first part of my huge Payroll Accounting project; I’m working on my will, instead. I should be listening to music and immersed in the challenge of putting the numbers together and getting them to make sense; I’m sitting in silence and thinking about taking a nap so I don’t have to feel for a little bit. I should be be functional, happy, and loved; I’m broken, miserable, and unwanted. Horrible timing, really, it was on figuring out that, for me, love is unconditional. It’s not “I’ll only love you if…”, it’s just “I love you.” […]
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Tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
You never notice how much affection can kill you…litirially, you support her through everything she knows how you feel about her, she understands you and you understand her but yet even in the way you have expressed yourself, your love she doesn’t feel the way you want her to and the love almost seems guilty, you would do anything to get to her heart, betray your friends, lie to her, choose her over everyone else. Even after all the crap you take for her, the […]
Our CULTure seems to believe that death is the worst thing that can ever happen. If someone is overdosing on heroin, the medical professionals inject them with something to bring them back. I’m thinking – just let them go! something in the addicts probably want to die anyway! Or if someone gets burned nearly to death in an accident, doctors will do everything they can to save there lives knowing that they will suffer for the rest of it. If your already out of it then the worst is over! so why bring them back just to suffer and die again? Same goes with suicide. If […]
You don’t have to make your breathing stop to be actually dead. There’s this self-therapy to make you go bat-shit insane. You’ll laugh and cry until the two blur together like an ugly blur of paint colors and you won’t be able to paint a picture, no, but you’ll be able to rot in the trash. No one wants grey paint
Go to sleep and scare yourself. It works. Lucid dreaming. Frighten yourself to the point of numbness
Have you ever stared in the mirror for too long? That pale fleshy creature morphs into something twisted and grey and demonic, hollow, empty, dead!!! And yet alive…..
Last night […]
I’m terrible with writing so please excuse how shitty this might come out. My name is Dorothy I am 18 years old and I have been depressed since about 9th grade. I grew up happy-mostly anyways. I had some issues with my mom but i was fine without her i don’t think that is the reason for my depression. I have not been diagnosed and not many people know about it. As in even my best friend doesn’t know. I have cut before but no one has noticed. My friends did in the first few years of high school but they have long forgotten now. […]
So yesterday morning I was all ready to go. No fucking around this time. No last messages. No dramatic and theatrical end to my life.
I put the belt around my neck and suspended myself. It hurt, I won’t lie to you. The feeling of blood backing up in your head. Vision went blurry and the music I’d put on sounded all tinny and metallic. My limbs went heavy but I could still move them.
Then I heard it…
The front door opening.
We’re finally having our door fixed because it was broken into a while ago.
It was the contractor coming to finish the job. He knew I was […]
To think I used to be such a innocent little girl..when I was in primary school my auntie died and I was really close with her and I completely broke me. I used to get bullied all the time gettin called daddy long legs cuz I was really tall and skinny that lasted the whole of primary school.. When I got into high school everything changed, yeah I found a friendship group quick but I chose the wrong one I got off in the wrong group I used to go out late all the time take drugs and drink a lot get told off by […]
So basically i dont know what to do.
Ive had depression for a few years now. When i was about 8 my dad started to get drunk a lot and he would hit me randomly. At first i didnt care but as time went on he started to hit me more and harder. But when i was ten i told my dad i wanted to try boxing and then he stood up barely because he was drunk as fuck and he was like “so you want to do boxing?” Then he punched me as hard as he could and i cried a little and he […]
I’m starting to think that is not fair that I have to live with all this pain and anxiety just because of not hurting my mum and sister by killing myself.
So now I’m really afraid.
I study, or used to, Psichology. I rationally understand what’s going on with me. I know that it must eventually pass. That’s what I keep telling myself. But it just doesn’t feel like it will actually get better.
Some days ago, one of my sister’s friend lost her father by suicide. My sister begged me to never do the same.
When my mums boyfriend commited suicide a year ago, his own son came […]
Unfortunately, death is less beautiful. There is no beauty in death for me.
Me: a once vibrant, beautiful girl, has rotted away, literally.
I don’t want to be ill, but I am. There is no going backwards. Things have gotten much worse. I am deteriorating rapidly again. There is no ease. I cannot accept.
I have suffered a lot in the last two years.
I don’t want to die. I want to be alive, happy and well. I am not well, however.
Even as empty as I feel, I just don’t feel good about myself to be around others anymore. I need to die, […]
i focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real
it’s been 5 years since i last marred my pale skin,
gave it some bloody color
i sat there and cried
only knowing one thing for sure,
knowing i dont wanna know.
i sat there and smoked through 2 marlboro black 100s
pressed against me
flesh bubbly like a teenager high off their first crush
and when the light on the tip of my smoke started to dim, almost going out,
i’d take it away, take a hard pull, breath in the horror deep and slow
and then push it back against me,
harder than before.
i think i might be ready to go now
It takes awhile to get to know someone. In my previous 3 posts I have mentioned how I would like to die from autoerotic asphyxia. What I haven’t gotten into much is my personality exists of extreme fight and flight. There are a lot of times I feel intense hatred and rage towards the world and humanity in general. What I can’t really stand are people who have tried to shove conformity down my fucking throat! People just couldn’t mind their own fucking business, so they had to terrorize me and treat me like shit for being different! Is that going to make me embrace […]
I stay up till one to five in the morning doing dumb shit. And what do I get? Dumb Grades.
My life sucks.
I think I’m going to kill myself tonight… I don’t have anything I feel happy for. I feel miserable. I don’t have anything to live for. I’ve tried meds, therapy, hotlines, doctors, but here I am…
I just don’t wanna live anymore. Yes I regret so may things and I want to do a lot of things in the future but not at the cost of what I have to go through everyday, depression and suicidal tendencies. I regret not showing my parents the lovely daughter I could be. I regret not being able to see my siblings’ future success in their career. I regret […]
Last day tomorrow.
Going to go for a walk in the morning, maybe take the dog out.
I’ll get my haircut. I feel all unkempt.
Might have a shave, might not. Only shaved a couple of days ago.
I’m just going to spend the afternoon sitting in the garden, staring at the sky.
Even if the heavens open, I’ll be out there.
Like some lonely sentry, guarding his post to the last man.
I think about how far I’ve come in the past two years.
And I realize I’m right back where I started.
Fuck.
If you’re a Brit’ like me you’ve probably heard about an overhaul the NHS are planning, if not then I’ll explain.
The national health service are known for being lacking in the treatment of children and young adults with mental health problems in Britain, and as part of a new move there will be a comprehensive overhaul of all the services they provide.
I can’t help but feel this is all too little, too late for some many young people. I’ve suffered for years and found the treatment excellent. What little of it I got, that is. My mum is treated for her anxiety and she saw […]
Of late i’ve felt as if i’m slowing down and time is speeding up. Every day i seem to take longer and longer to complete my daily tasks. Each day i feel as though my energy is diminishing. I’ve lurked on this site for a while, this is my first post here.
My first thoughts of suicide were when i was 14, i’m 24 now. A decade of wanting to die, wishing for it but never really acting on it. I’d keep coming up with plans and then never execute them. Will i ever do it? I don’t know. I feel like i’ve been here a […]
Hi.is anyone here interested in writing stories for short films?.i’ve been trying to write some on my own but i couldn’t.i just write stories abstractly then i’ll abandon that story in the middle.i think i can do better if i have a partner…so if anyone’s interested then, here is my mail…blogchs@gmail.com…!
https://soundcloud.com/musikchoice027/jose-gonzalez-stay-alive
Recently me and my girlfriend broke up because of the things I have done in the past. I came up front and told her the things I did while we were together. So she decided to leave me. I’m not sure if she’s going to completely walk out my life just yet, but she has been ignoring me for a week now. My heart is just aching so bad from this situation. I wanted to tell her those things because I didn’t want to lie anymore. I’m so in love with this girl and she’s trying to walk out my life. Lately I have been […]
I look at the shoebox I keep my various prescription pill bottles in, and I wish to gods I could be certain that I wouldn’t just wake up in a day, in three days, in a week in the local ICU and another useless stay in the mental health unit and another 90-day court settlement. Attempting suicide is a civil offense in Wisconsin, you see, so a person already upset because they survived then gets to go — via satellite television — before a judge and work out an agreement for treatment. Nice, huh?
I barely talked my psychiatrist out of having me hospitalized […]