I think I’m going to kill myself tonight… I don’t have anything I feel happy for. I feel miserable. I don’t have anything to live for. I’ve tried meds, therapy, hotlines, doctors, but here I am…
I just don’t wanna live anymore. Yes I regret so may things and I want to do a lot of things in the future but not at the cost of what I have to go through everyday, depression and suicidal tendencies. I regret not showing my parents the lovely daughter I could be. I regret not being able to see my siblings’ future success in their career. I regret not improving my art and painting more, something I like to do. I regret not telling a guy how I feel. I regret not being able to finish the good books I checked out from the library, or finishing my favorite anime and manga. I regret not learning so much I could’ve learned. I regret not finishing my recent artwork ’cause I’ll be gone by then. I regret not doing better in school. I regret not being able to bond with people I have aquainted and are potential friends. I regret not getting my license, or having a future child. I regret not being able to live long enough to see beautiful things. I regret this decision. Still, it is very painful each day. I don’t like it here. I know my parents care but it is painful to reach out to them when they’ve contributed to my recovery so much already. It’s far too painful to live each day. I hate myself so much. I wish I could have lived to experience wonderful things in life. I’m very, very tired. I will commit something so tragic as to take one’s own life.
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11 comments
We all have regrets. Some more than others. I keep struggling on somehow. I love anime also, and wish I could have done so many things. I believe in god or a system that governs our existence so I don’t just think it all ends at some point, but who knows. you sound very kind and young I hope you can persevere through it as best you can. Not a day goes by when I’m not feeling the same way sweetie. Get your license at least :). That took me a few weeks only!
although I know my perseverance is finite, I won’t lie, I still struggle through as best I can.
Thank you so much for the support!! I really will consider going on 🙂
I will not use any of the typical cliches. I believe that your pain is real and I will not belittle what you’re going through in any way. But I am begging you, pleading with you, please do not end your life. All of those things that you say you regret, well those are the things that can, a little bit at a time, give your life meaning. I’ve been where you are. I can only speak for myself, but I am forever grateful that I didn’t do it. I know that when you are in that painful moment, you can’t take yourself out of it. I told myself, “one more day”. And it got better….slowly, but it did get better. Sometimes that is all you can do. Tell yourself “one more day”. And keep telling yourself that. Every day. This is one decision that you can’t take back. You are an artist and creative people are prone to depression. It is our curse. But please, use what you’re feeling and make it into something beautiful instead of taking your gifts and your talents away from this world. Sending you love and positive vibes tonight. I pray that you reconsider.
I really hope you did, consider I mean. It sounds like you have so much left to live for, and while it may suck right now, it may suck for a while, at least you could say you don’t have regrets. Because regret and what you could’ve done, seems to have a much harder toll on you than the aftermath of sticking it out would have. I think we’re all struggling through, and I hope we all make it out, especially you.
I really appreciate your comment but it really is hard on me and I don’t know how to deal with things other than quit… Life is so dreary and miserable. My regrets have great toll on me. But it means so much that you care, even if it’s a smidge. I feel like it’s my time to go… Thank you for making a smile in irony of my goodbye.
I can feel the pain in your words, but also strength. Honestly, simply from the way you wtite I can tell you are a special person. You can do great things whether it be art or something you havent even discovered yet. The world would truly be losing something great.
Thank you so much for the wonderful comment! Though difficult, I’ll attempt straddling on 🙂
meepmeep,
you know I answer people differently, depends on what they need to hear, I always tell the truth, but life is very complicated, we make it that way, we are hard on ourselves, you are your own worst critic, first off don’t think you need to be perfect, NO BODY IS!, don’t compare yourself with others, they are not you, you are meepmeep! don’t forget it!!!! you need to live for yourself! yes I wake up everyday wishing I would die, I to hate myself but now I accept what I am “a human being ! and nothing more. you will die as I will soon enough, in the mean time try a new approach, do things you enjoy, and be what you want to be, not what others expect, let them do what they want and you do what you want, just don’t hurt yourself over them.
Thank you rocketman!! I’ve tried to ‘reinvent myself’ today but failed because I couldn’t let go of my perfectionist lifestyle that I’ve lived with and became attached to, making me feel miserable because I don’t do what I feel makes me happy.. I think I’m starting to see things in a greater light.
Learn to let go of the need for external validation. It will be liberating. Stop caring about what other people think or “what” you need to be. Don’t regret anything, you learn or gain a different perspective from every experience. There doesn’t even need to be a “purpose”, just do something you like, enjoy that moment and forget everything else.