I yearned for death as a child and adolescent. I hurt myself relentlessly, but could never muster up the courage to actually end it. I’ve escaped the life that was forced on me, the people who hurt me, the person that I was because of it all, but I still find myself anxious for death. I will be driving and have to fight the impulse to let go of the wheel or to jerk it in the direction of oncoming traffic. I will allow myself to close my eyes when I am tired and attempt to fall asleep while I’m still driving. I will imagine […]
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I don’t really know how I feel.
I haven’t talked to my friends in a month or so, at first it was because I was kind of lazy and didn’t feel like talking, but as days passed I realized how little my “friends” care. I mean, did I really mean nothing to them? All the communication I had was with one of them because she replied to something I tweeted. I know they check my twitter all the time, so they know I have been feeling like shit and they don’t fucking care! I just don’t know if I’m angry, or upset, I don’t know. I […]
Do you ever find yourself writing letters that you’ll never send? I don’t mean actual pen and paper letters, like maybe written down on your computer or as a draft in your inbox?
I’m doing it more often these days.
I write letters to everyone. Family. Friends. And you.
I think if I went I’d want them to be delivered to people. They are my essence. My everything. I don’t know any kind of post mortem delivery system for the suicidal though.
I find myself staring at the belt more and more. Nothing special. An old brown leather belt. It holds my weight, I’ve checked. So does the bed […]
I’ve done bad things. I mean really, seriously bad. Not the ‘everybody makes mistakes’ sort, but the kind you don’t get forgiven for. It’s been a while since I was at my worst, but if I’m honest I haven’t really changed. In the right circumstances, I would do it again. That part of me is still there, and although rationally I know that giving in to it won’t make me happy, if I get desperate enough all bets are off.
Of course there’s always a price. I don’t think I can ever be myself again, with anyone. I can’t reveal who or what I really am, […]
A long time ago I used to count down the days until stupid things like when school would start again, or when I would finally move out of the house. Now that I’m a sort of adult those things are just ridiculous. I count down to something much more important. To the day that I will attempt suicide again and I will succeed. It’s scary that I’m writing this down publicly because it’s been a secret I’ve kept to myself for so long now. I’m not looking for a way out, I’m not looking to change my mind, I’ve tried all that and it’s exhausting, […]
Hello my fellow SP users, this is your neighborhood unlicensed, untrained, and not so neighborly therapist. I hope some of you may remember my post from a while back. If not let me refresh your memory, it was an explanation of addiction and depression and other mental disorders such as OCD. I never told you all my story. The first time I can ever remember being suicidal was when I was ten years old or so, my brother and sister had been picking on me and my mom had yelled at me for it, I felt like hell and I wished desperately that the issues […]
So, mood drop. Woo….
My nephew punched my little brother -like they always play around, and my brother punched back – again, as they always play.
But this time my nephew was being whiny because his mom is here. And she’s starting shit, woo!
I’m so close, to fucking stabbing her. I’m sick of this shit, so fucking sick… She calls us bad people?
She was outside yelling at my brother about how we ALWAYS abuse her children, and her daughter was sitting at the table with my dad and I LAUGHING HER ASS OFF
“I think she’s got it backwards,” her daughter told us. “She’s the one who beats […]
Now I take a pill to help me sleep… I pray my thoughts, away; they keep me up all night, worse than the nightmares I fight I just want to rest. Please, just one night.
And as I drift, into the dark… My fingers numbing, my mind’s light just only a spark… I’ll rest easy tonight, because this kind of sleep… It makes me free.
(I’m under the effect of sleeping pills at the moment -ONLY the dosage my doctor told me to use when I feel restless- and this came to mind, sorry if it sounds stupid, I think I’m about to pass out)
Keepin’ my eyes on the road this time around
Keepin’ my hands pressed to the wheel
Something so strange as a woman has got me down
Ain’t gonna be your damn fool again
Drivin’ tonight just to ease my mind
A man in his mood is a most dangerous kind
And there was a time my head went blind
Couldn’t see the sign at the time years would go by
Before I wondered who or where or what or why
Lovin’ you was like lovin’ a house on fire
Burning and learning baby when the damage was done
And now I’m tired and I’m […]
Does anyone else just feel like running? Running away from home or from life. I thought I was getting better, but I was wrong, last night I had thousands of very familiar thoughts – stabbing, overdosing, jumping….thoughts that I thought were all in my past. I thought of it kind of differently this time though. I would be missed by my family sure, but then I thought that maybe they would be better off without me. That their lives would be so much easier without me. I make too much trouble here, I fight with my mother all the time, which then affects everyone else, […]
Hey, sorry its been a while since I last posted on here It’s been busy over on my end with the holidays, work, and finishing the college transfer process….
I start at my new college on Monday I’m double majoring in Broadcasting and Art Therapy. I loved my old college but with what happened my freshman year even if I remained there I would never move up and be happy in what I want to do. I truly hope the friends I made there will understand why.
So pretty much I am starting off with a clean slate and a new chapter. Its kind of funny cause […]
An amazing song from the movie “Donnie Darko”. I find it very relatable. I even learned to play it on a piano.
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard […]
I truly do not understand the point of my life.. for a long time now I haven’t been able to picture a future. Like I don’t have one, like I’m meant to die young. But I just recently found out that that is actually a symptom of my ptsd. Which was kind of disappointing because it doesn’t change the fact that I still don’t see my living past a few years and honestly I’d rather not. I don’t want to live anymore. I’ve been feeling like that for years and the more time goes on the more intense it feels. I do not see a […]
I think I’m poison. I made it through the holidays through sheer will and maybe some kind of grace. But now…it’s a new year and so, yeah…what now, right? I’m just breathing and I even forget to do that sometimes. It’s like I’m waiting on something. Holding my breath. Expectant. And I guess that is kind of hope, right? So there is that. And there is my kid. Who is…well, everything. But then there is all of the other stuff which is big and small and there’s me who messes up and I have honestly begun to think maybe I am poison.
All my life I […]
The nowhere, is a place that does and doesn’t exists. Like most things, it’s in the mind; but it’s lives in every moment of your life. A special kind of void/emptiness exists in the Nowhere. Void is emptiness itself, Nowhere, is full of emptiness. all it’s emptiness stops you in your path, then diverts you into another road that is leads to another “emptiness”. Like the the universe, the emptiness is endless, unlimited, vast and unrestrained. And like the universe, it’s full of chaos, and only chaos. You want it to be more like the universe that has stars, planets and at least one planet […]
I am feeling low. I called my crisis line THREE times before I got it out what was really bothering me. I finally admitted how I don’t want to be, that I was looking for the pills I knew would work. :((( but I could not find them. I stopped looking, good or bad…
The thing is, isn’t it crazy to be mad at the world and people around you but then, you take it out on yourself?? I mean, really, the reaction of wanting to hurt yourself because the world seems off kilter, that is crazy!
And yet, here I am, once again… 🙁 (Still, something […]
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