Ever since I was fourteen or fifteen, I have had many, many fleeting periods of suicidal thoughts. They come often at times of stress. I will take a walk at night and consider throwing myself under the wheels of the passing truck. I am a rock climber, and I have tied a noose out of climbing rope and put it around my neck five times, just sitting alone. Last year I lived on the eleventh floor of my building, and considered pitching myself through the screen and out the window. I have gotten drunk and pulled a knife across my wrists, imagining what it would […]
Tag:
life
I don’t know what i’m doing with my life. Does anybody know? Like, Jobs said that life would have worked out looking backwards: it would have been a “connecting the dots” of all the little decisions made, and at the end everything would have become clear.
I think i will draw anything but a scrawl, when it will come my time. Everyone has his share of defeat but defeat itself has a meaning, that is the fight; what are we doing instead, me and my generation, drunk saturday, studying monday, working tuesday, wednesday married – how is it that these serial mass-produced lives could signify anything more […]
I’d like anyone reading this to take note of every word I write.
I’m furious.
I’m nearly murderous.
I’m hateful.
I’m blackening in my rage.
My thoughts would scour your minds clean,
Leaving you incapacitated, searching for answers.
The truth is, I’m sad and lonely, just like all of you.
But unlike the majority of you, I choose to unleash my sadness in a glorious rage.
I don’t take drugs,
I don’t cut myself,
I don’t starve myself,
I am better than that.
I choose to be furious and attack everything with the ferocity and indignation that only true insanity can grant…
And there is a distinct possibility […]
The first …
The idea of suicide … the spark of a thought that you don’t have to deal with this, that there is some other alternative…Â As mild and as “innocent” as psychiatry like to make it out, it’s just as dangerous as any, exactly for that reason…Â People don’t take it serously when someone just says “I feel like killing my self”…Â they feel that if you have the clarity of mind to share it, your not a suicide risk…your just feeling like you are caught between a rock and a hard place… so they put you on “retreat” for a couple of days […]
I have struggled with addiction,depression,low self esteem,family issues,loss,grief etc for the better part of my life.I have attempted to take my life a few times,most times not truly wanting to die,was more of a cry for help.A year or so ago my best friend commited suicide,it was a very hard thing to deal with,it hurt very much.I always think of the way that he did it,i think that is how i want to go as well.Last year on x mas eve,i received some news that was rather bothersome to me,it hurt me deeply.I turned to alcohol,for the most part ive been clean for 10 years,the […]
i hate everything. i don’t trust anyone or anything anymore. im an athlete and am in college right now.  I like being active and i have good friends. its just not enough. i feel lonely and don’t want to live in this world–im pretty much paranoid now i feel like, ive been in therapy for about 5 years now. Ive been struggling with depression since then and went into a treatment facility for anorexia for 6months a few years ago. This all makes it worse. On the outside and symptom/behaviorwise im doing so much better. Im talking and opening up to people more than i ever have,im not shy anymore like i used to be. ive actually never been more talkative, more open, and more social in my life. But ive actually never felt more alone, more lonely, more misunderstood, and more desperate and hopeless.  my eating is under-control and so is my self-injury…my mom put me on a leash pretty much too and said if i revert back she is kicking me out of school and im basically completely on my own.but at the end of the day, nothing is changed.everyone said that life without an eating disorder is better, and blah blah. but its not. i hate life just as much if not more, im just as lonely if not more, im just as angry if not more,i am more skeptical, and believe less and lessin happiness and anything good at all the morethat time goes on…increasingly therefore i don’t believe or trust anything or anyone. i dont even know what to do. i don;t want to think about tomorrow. i don’t want to sleep and be stuck alone trapped in my head with my thoughts. i dont know how to go on, let alone for what reason
I’m tired of it all. Tired of everything. im sickand tired of hoping, of trying, of fighting foranything anymore. I don’t see the point. I’mtired of people saying things get better, sayingthat xyz will happen just be patient. I’m tired of people not understanding-of just saying I’m overreacting to little things. I’m tired of notfitting in, I’m tired of hating myself, I’m tired ofhating people, I’m tired of hating life. I’m tired of everything in life being sugar coated, I’m tired of the lies, I’m tired of false hopes. I don’t want to do it anymore. im just so tired and done with everything. i don’t want to think anymore. i don’t want to be me, i dont want tolive life, i dont want to be in this life or this world. im tired of just trying to keep myself from reaching an actual point where im ready to follow through with suicide.
i dont want to be. i just want it all to stop. idon’t want to deal. i wish i could just putmyself in a self-induced coma. i dont want tobe stuck alone anymore in this body with mythoughts trapped in this world. i cant do itanymore…i dont even know why im not throughouly suicidal right now. i can’t do it anymore….i don’t want to do it. i don’t want to try or pretend to be okay for some period of time just to end up right back here again. i just deceive myself and latch on to false hopes and stupid fantasies to get by…im done
Honestly, I’m not much of a writer so I will apologize ahead of time. I truly just want my feelings to heard. There is only a few people that know what I have been going through and yet they still sit back and do nothing. Sure, they express there concern for me and say, “It’s not worth it” or “I know how you are feeling” or “Give it time, it will pass”. Okay, it may not be worth it looking from your eyes, but to me it is. THAT’S WHY I’M SO UPSET! IT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME! I’m sorry, but there is absolutely no […]
Well, to be honest, I didn’t think I needed to be.
Since the last time I attempted suicide, I was feeling better. I still had mental health problems and I think I always will have but they calmed down. At least, on the suicide note they did. But my depression had been getting worse in a different way- I could barely get out of bed, I couldn’t bring myself to wash, eat or drink anything until I was offered, I couldn’t bring myself to change out of my pyjamas. I was a complete mess and still am.
My anxiety was getting worse too, but in a different […]
What do I like? I love to daydream. Vanish into another world that only I know about. Escape from the struggles of reality and breathe easy knowing that nothing is wrong anymore. Everything is OK. I can picture a paradise, and fall deep into the unexplored realm of imagination. I can be separated form those I need no company from, and become closer with the people I want to love. The test tomorrow would disappear, and in it’s place would be adventure and a different life. A different life. An unattainable postulation, but a desirable one. A daydream can transport you away from stress and […]
I almost did it last night. I ALMOST took my own life. I can’t even remember when these thoughts started to take over my life. I feel like it has seriously been forever that I’ve wanted to kill myself. Every time the littlest thing would upset me I would automatically turn to suicide. I’m embarrassed and ashamed of the shit I pulled last night. I would never do it for attention; I’m just emotionally and physically drained. I feel even worse about myself because I know my friends were worried. I don’t know exactly what set me off this time, maybe it was just bad […]
So im 33 and have hoped my life would get better…the past week or so has proved me wrong and there is nothing left to be hopeful about.I have several health problems any of which could kill me at anytime.I have 3 girlswhoi lovemore than anything even tho only one talks to me anymore.Within a week or so after i postthis i plan on taking my life,i know its a selfish act but there really is no other choice.It feels good just to write this down thanks to anyone who reads.
I am a 16yr old guy and I feel like I want to die, go crawl into a hole and rot, I have been thinking a lot about this since I was young I have always been a outcast simply because I was different or specifically strange. (I know how this must be starting to sound like a woe is me kind of story but that’s not what I am trying to do.) I cant feel sadness any more and I physically cant cry even at family,that I liked, funerals I feel nothing almost empty. I am rather chubby but not too much, my grades […]
Just read a highly inspiring post called “Why are you still here?”. That is a great question, why are we (hurt, abused, heart broken, destroyed, ready to give up on life) still here? Everyone has a reason, everyone has a PURPOSE. It took a lot for me to find that out. I’m pretty depressed right now, it has actually gotten worst as this new year came in, nothing has gone right everything is turning for the worst. Dreams, memories, everyday experiences all going wrong. Came on here to read over my posts to see how far I’ve gotten, but that one post caught my eye […]
Forgive me for not seeing your view of the abnormal fantasy.
Surrounded by walking feelings, of carefree and feel good sentiments.
Unaware of reality, not knowing how to live in the “now”.
Those tormenting thoughts, echoing the same questions to you, “why..”, and “how?”
Oh forgive me for what I have done…
forgive me for carelessly hurting you..
forgive me, for forcing a new life onto you..
for wanting to prepare you for the true pains of life..
I wanted to release your beauty, in it’s true form, but failed to realize on time, that it just can’t be.
Never again, will those pains bother you.
Never again will the dreams of pure hearts be […]
I post on this website to vent to let my thoughts and feelings flow out through these words. I don’t post on here to openly invite people to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do or how I should feel or to add to the distress in my life with their negativity. I am grateful to the people who have been positive and encouraging. At the end of the day I am me and I will make the right decision for me based on what I know and feel. I always find myself holding on I guess I can’t accept that life is truly […]
first sorry for bad english
This is the last year of my life if i dont change my life in the next 11 months i gonna kill myself so this is my story i am 25 year old and weight 45 kg(i am male) i eat 4-5 meals a day but i dont get weight, most of the time i am mistaken for a 15 year boy and its driving me nuts nobody takes me serios or always makes fun of me i dont mind about when somebody make fun of me because living in this skinny weakling body made me funny(o i just tink […]
Hey all,
It’s 10 days since I decided to follow a plan in order to give myself a last chance to become a better man and find meaning in life (http://suicideproject.org/2014/01/ive-got-my-plan/). Unfortunately each day is just more difficult.
I’m on the right path with most of my goals, I’m seeing friends (even those I hadn’t seen for years), I’m visiting my family and spending time with them, I’m preparing a trip to a place I wanted to visit, I keep visiting my therapist (didn’t find the guts to tell him about my thoughts). I go out and I wear my mask, people think that I’m ok while […]
I’ve never had a true friendship until I met my best friend/sisster/coach. I mean I’ve had friends but never one I could go to about anything. I’ve had fake friends, friends that used me, friends that left me, friends I’ve pushed away. It feels so good to have a true friend that knows everything and you can always go to. A friend that brings the best out in you. A friend that loves you for you and not the person you make everyone else fall for. A friend you trust with your life. One that will do anything for you. One that you will do […]
Today I’m going to lunch with my best friend/sisster. She knows my whole life story and I love her and respect her so much. I don’t know what I would do without her. She has been through a lot with me and I make up excuses and she doesn’t buy them so that’s how I know she will always be there for me know matter how many times I try to push her away. I’ve lost many friends buy pushing them away with all my excuses. I hope today goes well for me and I will let you all know how it goes.