well lets start this fucking bullshit shall we. Okay so what the fuck do you do when everything you touch or do fails? what the hell do you do when girlfriend after girlfriend leaves you? After they use the fuck out of you? Or roomates who wish to rip you off at every turn? what the fuck do you do when you’ve cried to the point where you can’t anymore? I fucking feel nothing anymore no joy no excitement no passion for my favorite things no expectation for good to happen nothing ever goes right anymore but when something fucked up happens to me it […]
Tag:
Little Bit Of Hope
Have you ever felt like you were living on borrowed time? Got up in the morning to a cool, icy, winter sun and felt that you weren’t alive? That everything in this world is too surreal. That you are nothing but a mere spec of dust floating in the glow of the sun. Whirling and twirling, Being inhaled and exhaled by the world and it’s inhabitants. Or have you ever felt even smaller than that? Just one single atom. So miniscule that no one can truly define you beyond the others that surround.
Have you ever felt like you are part of the uniformity of society? […]
I am extremely unhappy. Whereas a few days ago I had a little bit of hope and miniscule amounts of positive energy, these last 48 hours I have been depleted. My heart has slowed and my body has sunken in.
I am terrified. Today in class I could hardly breathe. I tried to duck out before it started but I ran into the professor. I could barely speak and I was trying not to get sick the whole time. Electric stomach, glass eyes. I had to wait in the building before leaving to go back to my room because I couldn’t handle the idea of people […]
It’s a weird feeling. The first few days just felt hectic. Bit sick, but nothing too bad. Woozy more than anything. It seems to have stopped now though.
The side effects seem minimal so far. I can’t stop yawning. For hours after i take it, i yawn constantly. And feel a bit high, like my stomach is floating and i’m kind of doing a space walk. Been zoning in and out alot, not thinking about anything in particular but just staring into space. Other than that and mild sickness, things seem good on that front.
The biggest change is my mood. I seem incapable of negative thought. […]
Whilst doing my daily moping on the internet, i found the registration for an intensive performing arts camp at my local college. The whole day I had been overly depressed as always, but as soon as I saw this it brightened. I immediately started to get the things for my audition ready, and  practicing. I think that if I keep my mind set on my career and other things it might keep the depression from controlling my life. I know, I know. “How can you go from being so suicidal one night, to now being so full of hope”. I did a lot of thinking about things, […]
The facts:
I have struggled with depression my whole life
When I was ten I had my first suicidal thought
When I was twelve I tried to cut my wrists
When I was thirteen I tried to hang myself
My mom left us for another man when I was five years old
My dad was an abusive alcoholic
My dad was married four times
I have always been responsible
I always did well in school
IÂ got a scholarship to college
I got a college degree
I was married for 11 years
I moved a lot
I couldn’t seem to make any new friends
I had an affair
IÂ got a successful job in corporate america
I was extremely lonely
I made a lot of […]