The List

June 16th, 2009by emma

The facts:

  • I have struggled with depression my whole life
  • When I was ten I had my first suicidal thought
  • When I was twelve I tried to cut my wrists
  • When I was thirteen I tried to hang myself
  • My mom left us for another man when I was five years old
  • My dad was an abusive alcoholic
  • My dad was married four times
  • I have always been responsible
  • I always did well in school
  • I got a scholarship to college
  • I got a college degree
  • I was married for 11 years
  • I moved a lot
  • I couldn’t seem to make any new friends
  • I had an affair
  • I got a successful job in corporate america
  • I was extremely lonely
  • I made a lot of money
  • My grandmother died
  • My stepmother died
  • I got divorced
  • I was under a lot of stress at work
  • I had a mild nervous breakdown
  • I had an affair with a married co worker
  • I got pregnant
  • I had an abortion
  • I couldn’t function at work
  • I quit my job
  • I quit two more highpaying professional jobs that same year
  • I spent a lot of time in bed
  • I spent a lot of time thinking
  • I have no friends
  • I have burned all my bridges professionally
  • No one in my family speaks to each other
  • Everyone hates me
  • For a long time I hated me
  • I’ve slowly learned to forgive myself
  • Some days I can love myself
  • I’ve been unemployed for the last year
  • I can’t find a job
  • No one will hire me or give me a reference
  • I accept that this is a consequence of my irresponsible actions
  • I accept full responsibility for my life
  • I’m not very good at life
  • I’ve decided to give up
  • I have almost no hope left
  • I have a little bit of hope left
  • I don’t really want to die
  • I’m tired of feeling pain, guilt, shame, regret, depression, loneliness and suffering
  • I will write up my will
  • I will leave my car, savings and investments to R
  • I will buy a cremation package
  • I will buy a body bag
  • I will give away all my personal possessions
  • I will go on a final road trip
  • I will make as clean, as peaceful, and as responsible an exit as possible.
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