The facts:
- I have struggled with depression my whole life
- When I was ten I had my first suicidal thought
- When I was twelve I tried to cut my wrists
- When I was thirteen I tried to hang myself
- My mom left us for another man when I was five years old
- My dad was an abusive alcoholic
- My dad was married four times
- I have always been responsible
- I always did well in school
- IÂ got a scholarship to college
- I got a college degree
- I was married for 11 years
- I moved a lot
- I couldn’t seem to make any new friends
- I had an affair
- IÂ got a successful job in corporate america
- I was extremely lonely
- I made a lot of money
- My grandmother died
- My stepmother died
- IÂ got divorced
- I was under a lot of stress at work
- I had a mild nervous breakdown
- I had an affair with a married co worker
- IÂ got pregnant
- I had an abortion
- I couldn’t function at work
- I quit my job
- I quit two more highpaying professional jobs that same year
- I spent a lot of time in bed
- I spent a lot of time thinking
- I have no friends
- I have burned all my bridges professionally
- No one in my family speaks to each other
- Everyone hates me
- For a long time IÂ hated me
- I’ve slowly learned to forgive myself
- Some days I can love myself
- I’ve been unemployed for the last year
- I can’t find a job
- No one will hire me or give me a reference
- I accept that this is a consequence of my irresponsible actions
- I accept full responsibility for my life
- I’m not very good at life
- I’ve decided to give up
- I have almost no hope left
- I have a little bit of hope left
- I don’t really want to die
- I’m tired of feeling pain, guilt, shame, regret, depression, loneliness and suffering
- I will write up my will
- I will leave my car, savings and investments to R
- I will buy a cremation package
- I will buy a body bag
- I will give away all my personal possessions
- I will go on a final road trip
- I will make as clean, as peaceful, and as responsible an exit as possible.
5 comments
Hello, I don’t know you. And with that being said you probably don’t know me. I’m 15 years old in High School. The whole reason I’m writing to you is because in class 2 days ago, June 15, we were talking about depression and suicidal people. She showed us this wedsite….so I wanted to see for myself. And all I can say is “WOW”. Don’t take that the hard way, it’s just that you wrote this not too long ago, it’s scary how you’re wanting to take your life away. I don’t know really what to say, actually I do but I can’t say it all on here. It would be nice though if you e-mailed me. I have been through about half of your list (except the marring and divoricing part) . Which is very cool that you got to experience that. Well….stay safe 🙂
Atleast think about e-mailing me.
Have you ever thought about people out in the world who have already taken their lives, that they were a little crazy? Becuase I think you’re making a big FAT decision. that life is a memoriable thing, you only get one. So….think about it. it may be stupid and so simple. but some of the simplest things can save your life.
That’s a beautiful list. Thanks for writing it.
well, it sounds like youve already made up your mind. youre an adult and should be able to make your own decisions and if you think ending your life is the best option, well im not even going to pretend to know what is best for you since i dont know you.
i just think its a shame that youre going to let those things have that much control over you.
I hate when people unload all this ‘god loves you’ and ‘you have so much to live for’ BS. how do they know?
ive attempted in the past (first time when i was 8 the last time about 2 months ago [damn blade was too dull. i just made a mess]) and honestly im a little drunk right now because i was afraid of what id do if i stayed sober and didnt numb myself to these feelings.
but the one thing that keeps me alive isnt love or hope or any of that bull; its anger. its the fact that i cant let myself be ruled by other people, that i cant give in to my own failures. i know that i have so little control over my own life and that ive messed up what i could control, but im still too stubborn and arrogant to let myself be taken over by that. i dont know, maybe im a control freak, but in the few moments that i dont want to be dead, im actually kinda proud of myself. and for once, thats a good feeling.
so (yeah im a little narcissistic, i know) that might be something to consider. again, i dont know you and dont know what is best for you but i just think that its a shitty way to go out for someone who has lived your life. i dont know. i mean, you might have typed out that list as a chronology of downfall and yeah theres some terrible things on there but i also see a strong woman who knows what she wants and who worked hard to get those things (not just material things either). judging from what you posted, if i knew you, id think thats a damn shame way to go out.
well whatever you decide, good luck. and whatever you decide, i might see you soon.
-riko
Please get some help, I know it is easier said than done. But I know you can beet this.