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Tag:
look
I notice I start to get angry toughs whenever I have to go out, maybe it’s a reaction to prepare me to defend myself. Many times I give up leaving home, because I can’t handle people staring at me uncontrolably mad.
I tried to go anyway, everything happened as expected, couldn’t lift up my face to look at people. My eyes stuck the ground, I start sweating, and my face muscles become stiff, and i think, this never changes. Psychologists say you should keep insisting going out and facing your fears. But it never changes to me, it’s like the Murphy law “If something can go wrong […]
Thanks to everyone here for listening to me opening up and encouraging me throughout my stay at S.P.! You have helped make my time in this world less miserable. Taking one last look through your kind comments on my posts so far… Why can’t everyone be like you guys?
Anyway… As the title says… This may be ”it”…
Wrote the letter, got the ”equipment” ready and all that other shit, heheh… Now I’m just waiting to get the motivation to do it, which will most likely come tomorrow when I’ll yet again be reminded how big of a failure I am. Whelp… Here goes nothing…
By the way, […]
Ffs… Just heard from my ex, the train wreck, that he had some gf for the last two years. After talking to me again like we’re oh so close friends??? I don’t know why it bothers me. He’s the one I call a dead fish. No passion or romance. And I never hear from the guy I truly loved. I bet I’ll never see him again. I don’t fit in to his world. I want to say more, but feel it would be too wrong. Just something else that makes me sick and pissed off. What the fuck happened to this world? I don’t look […]
but i will be forced to anyway, because i simply don’t have the means to end it in a way that won’t fail spectacularly.
here’s the truth; i’m ugly, and i’m going to die alone. nobody’s ever going to love me the way i need to be loved. i tried loving myself but i just couldn’t. i can’t make peace with something i hate so much.
i look in the mirror and i see a monster, not a 19-year-old girl. i’m so grotesque.
so i figure, if i’m going to die alone and unloved anyway, why not make it happen sooner rather than endure the pain […]
What does an SP (sad) party look like?
Like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyQhDlzbPbQ
I’ll be the DJ cat with the matrix-y sunglasses lol
Which sad cat will you be? And who’s gonna be bringing the fun party drugs???
I know someone will be bringing the Jager. 😛
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Tall-guy-Free-me.mp3
A song I wrote about depression.
Lyrics:
Free me from this prison,
I’ve been locked away for so long,
every day seems to last forever.
Then comes the night,
the time when all my toughts are set free,
they flow through me aimlessly
wanting to become a part of me!
I can feel the darkness
taking over my mind,
all I can see is blackness,
I feel empty, like there’s nothing to be found.
Within me
there is only despair,
I can not see clearly
it feels like life isn’t fair.
And then I think to myself
what feels better,
or less painfull
than being alive?
A rope around my neck?
A bullet through my head?
freefalling through the sky
meeting death at the end?
And then I think […]
“Bipolar robs you of that which is you. It can take from you the very core of your being and replace it with something that is completely opposite of who and what you truly are. Because my bipolar went untreated for so long, I spent many years looking in the mirror and seeing a person I did not recognize or understand. Not only did bipolar rob me of my sanity, but it robbed me of my ability to see beyond the space it dictated me to look. I no longer could tell reality from fantasy, and I walked in a world no longer my own.
life is pointless and we suffer for nothing.
so lighten up
everyone is fucked in some way, they might just not show it. including the people who you think have everything.
you can analyse things all you want but in the end you’re just trying to rationalise something to feel better. you’re just going around in circles and will choose whatever answer makes you feel the best. which means it’s all a lie.
you’ll become more and more desperate for psychological stability. from people, drugs, alcohol, whatever.
accept the things you can’t change, feeling anxious or miserable isn’t going to help you. what do you want?
there’s no point of looking outside […]
The curtain rises once again as the group enters the inside of a spaceship.
HDS: Killer clown, zombies, now, it’s a spaceship… I’m sensing a theme here.
Suddenly, robotic claws and aliens reveal themselves from the shadows.
Nicole: Those guns the aliens are holding look weird… They look like cucumbers attached to a toy gun.
Zetsumei: If the flyer I read was accurate, I don’t suggest anyone get caught. At that, Zetsumei takes out several switchblade knives he stole from the graveyard area.
Zetsumei claps his hands once before getting into a running position then says, “Ready…Set…Go!” Zetsumei and the others start running through the aliens and claws. Zetsumei avoids […]
Why is it that I always ruin everything? It’s like I can’t appreciate any good in my life. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend that I’ve truly felt love, and I managed to completely fuck that up. I always get this feeling when I’m with someone long enough that I’m ‘better’ than them, not that I even like myself anyway. It’s a curse and it ruins everything but there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I’m a disgusting person who can’t make and keep friends and the one friend I have, must be a saint for being there for me (not that we regularly […]
Your skin, it’s so soft.
Your muscles, firm.
The smile on your face when you look down on me,
Intoxicating.
Running my fingers over your features.
Feeling yours against mine.
Being with you all night.
Your shoulder the perfect pillow.
Clutching the tags you always wear.
It’s so odd, how the color of your eyes change.
I thought I would never see them again.
I have those memories, yet if I lost you…
My reason for living,
It would also perish.
I was feeling hopeless and then I looked up at the sky and saw the stars. Billions of stars and the vastness of the Universe all the way to the biginning and for a moment all my problems seemed insignificant.
Creation is an amazing thing, i dont believe in God, which makes this even more amazing. For us to exist, infinite amont of puzzle pieces over billions of years had to fit perfectly together. I wish i could live in a time when humans, as a species, had to fight for survival. Those were the simple days. Without insects we wouldnt exist, without preditors we […]
To read all my walking dead novels, I got a couple for xmas.
Look for and succeed in finding a data entry or typing job.
To keep learning all that I can from free Careerlink classes. So I can excel in the job I want.
Change my attitude because I don’t want to keep feeling sorry for myself.
I want to help others if I can.
Move on and Maybe meet someone!
I want to travel to other states.
I want to see my fav band again August Burns Red. Well I left early and missed them in November.
Spend more time with my family, especially since I skipped xmas and missed them.
And […]
Free me from this prison
Ive been locked away for ao long
Every day seems to last forever.
Then comes the night
The time when all my toughts are set free
They flow through me aimlessly
Wanting to become a part of me.
I can feel the darkness
Taking over my mind
All i can see is blackness
I feel empty, like there’s nothing to be found.
Within me
There is only despair
I can not see clearly
It feels like life isn’t fair.
And then i think to myself
What feels better
Or less painfull
Than being alive?
A rope around my neck?
A bullet through my head?
Freefalling through the sky
Meeting death at the end?
……….
And then i think to myself
Maybe life isn’t so bad
But […]
Welp, here’s a Christmas post a bit early, considering the fact I’ll be traveling more than I’d like.
by thelost
written by thelost
Yours truly: Hey! Everybody shut up for a second!
rocketman: No you shut up!
Moi: Who gave him alcohol? Goddammit! Was it you Hazy?
Hazy just gives thelost a sly look that clearly admits her guilt
Hazy: Certainly not me!
Myself: Uh-huh, I’m sure. Either way, I have something to say folks! It’s Christmas soon, and it’s a special time for me, even though I may not necessarily be Christian. Christmas is about seeing those you love and miss, and there’s nobody I’d rather spend it with.
rocketman: (slurring slightly) I love you too man!
Me: Good for you buddy! Now, to seal the Christmas spirit I thought we’d have Hazy perform […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Sighs recently i guess I’ve been doing anything to feel honestly now I’m just a piece of meat when i look in the mirror, first i did nothing but cut then i got to the point where i don’t feel it anymore it feels good sometimes, sex made me feel good so i had as much as i could get but now i just feel dirty and used (yeah guys can feel that way) and now i don’t know what to do ive cut as much as i could fit without it being too obvious now I’m just tired all the time recently I’ve wanted […]
You told me to let you in.
When I did, you smashed in to me
(head first into my heart).
You took one glance at all of my broken glass,
and told me I’ve never looked more beautiful.
You wanted to see my “true colours”.
I scrubbed until the pink was gone,
And I washed away the blue,
until I was nothing more than a subtle grey hue.
You took one look at my faded flesh,
and told me I’ve never looked more beautiful.
You said we’d grow a garden together,
So I let my own flowers wilt,
and I watched as you chopped down my trees […]