Once I had a dream that I had just made an attempt to hang myself and I was looking in the mirror and there was a blue and purple bruise around my neck. A little more than a week ago I made an attempt and I looked in the mirror after I cut the noose off and my face looked awful. My normal coloring didn’t return until a few days later — I had to cover up with makeup and even then it looked bad.
That last attempt was the closest I have ever been to dying. I passed out and my coming to was accidental, I believe. I had drifted off, just as I would if I were falling asleep and I was thinking about the most frivolous thing and something about it made me angry and that emotional arousal caused me to become conscious. At first I wasn’t aware that I had a noose around my neck I didn’t know how long I had been there I thought that I may have had dozed off after taking it off but I hadn’t.
I don’t think I have very much time left. A while back I set a date, which I hardly committed myself to, for my next birthday which is in November. I don’t think I have that long. Four years ago I made my first suicide attempt with a non-lethal overdose. Multiple non-lethal overdoses followed until the first attempt to result in hospitalization which was a year and a half ago. I gave therapy a shot and refrained from making serious plans to kill myself. Hanging became my preferred method in March. I tied a noose and every now and then would put the noose around my neck and lean forward. It’s been a slow process, but I don’t see my past attempts as failures. They were just tiny steps that will ultimately lead to my death. I have made many attempts, or performed behaviors that could have lead to death, and they have been increasing in severity and lethality. I can only think that this means that the next few times I tie a noose around my neck it will result in death.