hell, I was so happy last year. New flat, new work, old friends, the most amazing boyfriend in my life…and now?
I fear death. Not my own. I can’t bear the thought of surviving while my beloved one doesn’t. I can’t see my beloved die, so I die first. don’t we have the right to choose and push the escape button?
It is so dangerous to love and then fear the death of that loving person.
i took 42 days and spoke not a word, nor did i write that would be cheating.
mostly i wondered why i wished for death so terribly
i want to end my life
for shame
i am ashamed of how scared i am, and how useless i am,
i am ashamed of how much of a burden i am
and how much hurt i cause to those i care for because i am weak
if measured by the skill it takes to kill
a phantom is a 1,000 weights and reality a penny pound
and all my strength turned to ash by the febrile strength of an unjust man
dissipated by sour breath and uncouth […]
I swear that if hell exists it must be similar to the physical pain I’m feeling right now in all the right side of my face and head, combined with the psychological pain I have usually.
Good news is that I can’t have both at the same time so, for now, the psychological one is gone.
However, I could shoot myself right now to stop this horrible pain.
This is a stupid post and has nothing to do with the main topic, but it’s 2:45 in the night, I’m kind of dying and I need to distract myself some way. The pain killer pills are not […]
Depression has literally ruined my life. My mom doesn’t accept me because of my behavior so I got moved away for my only biological family (my sister) and moved to my dads, which his girlfriend doesn’t accept me because of my behavior and the fact that my dad goes out of his way to help benefit me so that I don’t jump off his balcony. I was a straight A B C student till around 7th grade I lost all motivation but somehow made it to 9th grade and completely failed because I stayed in the bathroom due to the fact that I hated going […]
No acrimony for an ex-girlfriend, parents or society. Just myself. I can’t stand myself. I look in the mirror and see a man ugly inside-out. My birth was an act of turpitude. My reptilian brain only keeps me from ridding myself of myself, from turning my brains into a Jackson Pollock on my bedroom wall.
It cracked like porcelain along the edges of her mind,the crack echoed across the land, the force of of it alone split the mast and sent it careening to the side. Where the tattered and frayed sail touched,it prompted the sea water to shoot into the sky to rain down upon her.
Not even the birds were present this day. The porcelain cracked sky cascaded down in a shower of rainbow fleck chips.
It was all falling apart.
The sun could no longer support its own weight and like a man who was destined to drowned it sank below the earth never to be seen again.
The moon did […]
I’m nearly 30 years old. I’m in a long-term relationship with a live-in partner. We live in an apartment in a house. I work from home and because of this I basically work 24/7. My partner works as a delivery man but only works about 5 hours a day. His hand is broken from punching a wall when he was angry. He uses his broken hand as his newest excuse to be lazy.
There’s a lot of resentment. He spends most of his money on marijuana. This is a daily occurrence. Any attempt to discuss this issue is met with fighting, me being to blame […]
Well this is something new for me. I have never posted anything like this before. Im not sure why. My life doesnt seem terrible by any means compared to some of the things Ive red on this website. I have a supportive family, friends who care about me very much. I am an educated individual who served in the military and holds a good job now. Then why may I ask do I struggle every single day with ending my life? The last 4 months have been a 180 degree change. I lost the love of my life through my own faults and coming to […]
You know, depression is one frustrating thing. After you’ve been so good for such a long time you start to think you’ve beaten it and that’s that.
Like a cold that had finally decided it was time to leave.
But when you finally let your guard down and try to forget about all those depressed time, it decides to come back and feed on your positive life force.
Can I just have the cold instead please? Haha
I just don’t understand why it has to hide in my shadow, acting like molasses and weighing me down when I try to move forward. “Oh, hey there depression. […]
But I have to suffer. I got ditched. She’s just a ***** cause she don’t want to understand. Unanswered emails, phone calls and texts. Ignore me, that’s a good way to heal a man.
I bet you’re living the good life now
Probably got back with your old boyfriend who treated you like crap
But I was the bad one
You couldn’t understand me
I hope you’re happy
I’m no longer a burden
Only on myself.
Soldiers don’t feel
they’re just tools of war
the worth of their lives
is more bloody the gore
some battles end quick
with a shot to the head
but the horror of slaughter
never comes to an end
I can still smell the reek
of a festering wound
and feel the infection
of a friend gone too soon
I wake up at night
and feel the grip of their hand
choking me with the truth
that I killed an innocent man
I did what they said
I obeyed their command
but now by myself
I’m the devil’s best friend
the only thing left
is that medal of bones
those […]
Last day tomorrow.
Going to go for a walk in the morning, maybe take the dog out.
I’ll get my haircut. I feel all unkempt.
Might have a shave, might not. Only shaved a couple of days ago.
I’m just going to spend the afternoon sitting in the garden, staring at the sky.
Even if the heavens open, I’ll be out there.
Like some lonely sentry, guarding his post to the last man.
I think about how far I’ve come in the past two years.
And I realize I’m right back where I started.
Fuck.
My ex boyfriend and I broke up 9 months ago, it feels like it happened just last week. How easily he could move on, just left me there waiting for him. He wasn’t man enough to tell me he had found someone else, instead he led me on thinking that we were still on a “break”… Having to find the truth out myself was so heart wrenching, would not ever comprehend why he could not be upfront about it. Months and months pass and he will come back looking for a friendship not knowing i was still in love with him, having to see him […]
One of the four beasts saying, Come and See.
and i saw.
Am I the Devil? No, of course not. How self-righteous. How presumptuous. A devil would relish in what I feel. Would strive to increase the agony inside of him. Then he’d share that agony.
I feel like if I keep going I’m going to start sharing.
Not like I haven’t thought about it before.
Maybe that’s what I have to do. Become less of a man. More of a monster.
History remembers monsters.
No one remembers a coward.
and i saw, and behold… a pale horse… and his name that sat on him…
Death.
I was going to take the jump, in front of the train. Looking dead at the tracks. I was so ready for this all to end. Some guy was there though. He grabbed my arm and yelled at me. Called the police. Stupid guy, if only he could see that I’m already dead. I just thought I’d break this vessel called my body so I can free my spirit. But that stupid ass man ruined it. Stayed in a psych ward after I was treated for hypothermia. My parents are suddenly keeping a wary eye on me now. Babysitting . The minute they decide to […]
Perhaps it was the ghostly feel of it all as I walked the streets. Perhaps it was the guy who had the sign “help I’ve disappeared”. I looked in the mirror once again. The traffic, the people, the buildings all belonged in a different dimension. I was in a dream, I was in a nightmare, I was in my life. Hello, I said but was ignored. Don’t they know I’m here, scream, you must scream. Scurry, scurry, they can’t feel you but you want their attention. Couples walk hand and hand, a man smokes a joint, another person screams at everyone and everything – she […]
My mother’s boyfriend hanged himself ten months ago.
I didn’t saw him, but for ten months, I’ve been having nightmares every single night. About him, or about hanging myself. I still think about him every day.
Things were really bad before he killed himself. But now, he just left a hell.
He was a good man. He was generous and kind. But he just cared to much about everything. Any small critic, any argument would drown him. Every thing that he couldn’t afford would make him anxious.
Yes, he was depressed, but no one thought that he was suicidal. And one morning… the surprise.
I try not to blame him. […]
I don’t have Internet connection on a regular basis so if I want to write a post for this site I have to pre-write it and save it fir when I do have Internet. This is a bummer in one way because if I don’t have my laptop the next time I get Internet I can’t post it or if I have it on my flash drive but only have my cell phone the next time I have Internet then I can’t post it either.
So, now that I have that all explained away, I suppose I will update those who care or are even […]
I watched a video of a man killing himself today.
He was some American politician that was accused of something and the day before his trial he called a press conference and shot himself on live TV.
I should have looked away and turned it off, but I watched it over and over again.
I should have been horrified by the violence but I was amazed by how quickly it was over for him.
This can’t be a good sign.
A man wakes up one Sunday morning drinks his routine cup of coffee, eats breakfast, and finds himself compelled to visit his local church. He hasn’t been to church in over ten years but for some reason feels compelled to go for some strange reason. This is odd because he is deathly afraid to step foot in a church because he simply fears the awkward confrontation he knows will happen. In some ways this fear stems from feelings of guilt for leading an average life stewed with simple guilty pleasures like infidelity and casual substance abuse. Mostly he fears atoning for what he feels the […]
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