I dont know how this site works. What im supposed to write on. All i know is im tired of holding my feelings inside. I was diagnosed with a Chronic disease in 5th grade, and i almost died. What didnt help was kids telling everyone i was faking it or teachers telling me “you couldve done your homework while you were having an mri” etc. My dad is basically a zombie. Ever since both his parents died and he lost his job, he has no emotions. Hes never happy.. He just sits there and types on the computer. My mom is always yelling at me, […]
Tag:
maybe
He is imperfect. Short, freckled, quiet. Intelligent with stunning blue eyes. Depressed and anxious. Heart broken and ostracized.
To me he is perfect. But he has been gone for quite some time now, locked away in a mental hospital I know he abhors. I didn’t know how much he meant to me until he wasn’t there. My days became more dull, I stopped smiling as much. I became sensitive, I holed up in my room, dreaming impossible dreams of a life with him.
I began to forget his voice. His beautiful face. His small stature compared to my tall one. The notes we would write each other […]
my last post holds alot of personal meaning…..maybe for all of us in one way r another…….i hope
Is the point of life eventually finding that sense of belonging, inevitably with a significant other? What if I don’t think I can find that comfort in anyone else? Am I destined to be alone, searching for something that doesn’t exist? I think the worst part of my best friend of 14 years telling me she never liked me and god knows what else, is I only found a sense of belonging with her and it was completely platonic. This world is so lonely, experiences don’t mean much if you don’t have anyone to share them with. I’m not big on relationships, I don’t really […]
if someone pointed a gun to me and was going to shoot me, id take the gun and do it myself… nobody will get the satisfaction that they killed me except for me… theyve all caused me enough pain as it is. i wont let them finish what they started so maybe theyll have the feeling of being incomplete and empty wondering why it couldnt have ended their way… someone try and drown me… help me set myself free…
I forgot how to live.
I forgot how I usually react and respond to things. I forgot how to reply. I forgot how to socialise. I don’t know how to do all that.
I forgot how to be normal.
This is hard.
Maybe being alive isn’t my forte.
So people tell me that God doesn’t make mistakes, that everyone has a purpose on Earth. Maybe my purpose is just to be here for a while. Maybe I have no purpose at all. I have nothing to offer this world. I have no gifts, no talents. Im failing all my classes, (im a junior in High School). I’m not going to write a great piece of music. I’m not going to paint a master piece, or come up with a cure for cancer. If I was gone the world wouldnt miss me, the world wouldnt have lost a great person.
In april this year, I attempted suicide.
I was broke living on the streets for about 2 months in the philippines at the age of 36. Got burnt by friends and lied to by others and was left to fend for myself.
I then found refuge in a slum but having to rely on people that would spend less than 2 dollars in one day the guilt and burden was all too much.
The fact that I suffer from depression and couldnt but any medication played its part too. So many attempts to call home and ask for help fell on deaf ears. The sad […]
Sitting here in a bed gilded with death, I cant help but acknowledge that
75% of all the people in the world have already lived there best day,
have already felt the very best that they are ever going to feel, and have already made the best of whatever
there was to make of it all, and i’m one of those people. This dosent sit well, its a hard thing
to digest, knowing this relevant thing about yourself,
about your life, and still sucking air.
the cresendo of life leaves us whispering, as it will, every fucking time
So i make heavy toil of not […]
Life is hard.
Nobody is looking out for your best interests.
Everyone wants to see you fail.
They want you to kill yourself.
They want you to be at your absolute worst.
The closer they have to be to you, the more malicious the intent.
Good Luck.
Without it you will fail.
It’s a struggle to get through the day. Often I get off work and first thing I do is drink myself to sleep, around 4pm, it only takes me about 30 minutes and I’m asleep, good ol tequila….but the rest of my life is pain. I constantly think of suicide. I heard her voice this morning, when she came to pick up the dog, she was laughing with my roommates…perfectly fine…perfectly happy. When I wake up in tears daily. It always comes back to this. I am 24 years old, a lesbian, and I am constantly coming back to this depression. Sure there are breaks […]
It is amazing how life can fall out of grasp within a blink of an eye. It is like yesterday that I was happy and carefree with the world shinning brightly before me. However, it is not yesterday, it is today and today I feel as if there is nothing for me. The world is not mine for the taking and the Sun has disappeared completely. I’m sad, I’m lonely and I fear it will never get better. Maybe life isn’t for everybody because I may be breathing but inside I’m suffocating. Life shouldn’t be this hard. Living has simply turned into surviving and I […]
I don’t know why I bother going to therapy. I don’t know why I bother telling her the things I can’t talk about with anyone else. I don’t know why I try to get better, because I always find a way to fuck it up.
I fucked up today. It may cost me a job I had been relying on getting offered.
I don’t know what to do any more. I don’t know how to keep trying when I keep making it all wrong. I just exist wrong, and you know, maybe some people do. Maybe I’m just an aberration and I should have got the picture […]
It was the straw that broke the camel’s back…I’ve had depression for years. 19 now, 18 last year…
And she was my best friend…And my girlfriend at the time…
And last year…She broke it off with no explanation. I didn’t cry, because I don’t cry, for some unfathomable reason.
We were friends for awhile, but I fucked that up. I was too…Clingy, I guess is the way to describe it. And I don’t even know why. I guess I just needed someone…I never told her about the depression; I thought it would drive her away.
But I drove her away anyway, because I never […]
Tonight, I had a close friend to me decide that he hates me. He decided I wasn’t worth it anymore, and he told me to f**k off and kill myself. I’m not gonna lie, that hurt me terribly. I wish I could just disappear and never come back. I’m feeling so guilty.. What if I really am the problem? I’m starting to think I’m the problem. I mean, can you blame him, our anyone else, for walking away from me? I’m a *****. I’m stupid. I’m pretty ugly too. I’m fat, I’m mean, I’m prudish, I’m snooty, and I am a terrible person. I’m a […]
4 days left,
and I don’t really know how to get sorted.
Or if I even should sort things.
Got notes written to those that matter, several notes actually, don’t really know which to choose. Do I use the short? the long? the one that tries to explain as much as possible, while reassuring, so feelings don’t get hurt “too” much?
Do I even use one? Should I leave nothing, or just write on the wall: “Fuck it, doesn’t matter anyway” ?
Should I clean everything up nice and tidy? Leave a mess? Just let everything be as it is, so it shows how much a mess […]
Maybe one day I’ll find people in my life who will stay… promises that are constantly made to me by people i get close to are always broken no matter how much they swear up and down saying that they will always be there for me. Maybe in another life that’ll be true…
My best friend well maybe friend thinks I’m crazy or looking for attention.I just want some help and I have no other friends really.Last night since we got in a fight about this(we fight a lot).after I got really upset and frustrated and kept looking up less painful ways to committ suicide.idk what to do I wanna kill myself so bad but at the same time I don’t cause there’s too many factors that come in to play and what if I go to hell???:(
So. Here is my plan. I’d prefer to not be inundated with “we can help!” because nobody can.
I cannot put this into effect until January, unfortunately. But I have done some research, and apparently Kirkland is a good sleeping pill. You can buy them in 96 tablets. I figured that probably isn’t enough, so what you could probably do is, buy a few. Maybe over time, so nobody gets suspicious. Assuming these are water-soluble, make a solution with water and these things. Get into a bathtub. Go under.
And never come up.
Thoughts? Ideas? Criticism? […]
I often found myself on this site, in my darkest days when i’d thought i didn’t want to live anymore. I have tried to kill myself 3 times by overdose. I just can’t describe the feeling i have to anyone, i literally battle every single day of my life with suicidal thoughts. Next year i will be 20 and i have never felt loved by anyone in my entire life, sure i have a boyfriend and to the outside world he probably seems caring and loving, yet somethings missing. I have told him the way i feel and the things that i feel would make […]