I just want it to be over. It’s been going on for so long that I don’t ever see myself being happy or my version of “normal” again. My validity has been lost and no one takes me serious anymore. It’s like I am the handicapped son, brother, partner and friend. I have always been very self sufficient and after the attempt I was basically forced to move back in with family. Not having a life I created for myself has made my will to survive and live to completely disappear. The only thing stopping me from ending my own life are the people in […]
Tag:
Melodrama
having these strange “visions” popping up in my head. i see myself floating face down in the river. i see myself with a gun shot wound. i see myself at my funeral. all of these images are just coming in it seems at random. i am not consciously thinking about suicide. but apparently some part of me is. the interesting part is that i am not afraid of these thoughts. i am not upset by them. they are just there. potential outcomes. seems odd that these thoughts have become mundane almost. nothing new under the sun. so what, who cares? maybe i am just becoming […]
well now there is more drama in my pathetic loser life. we have to come up with a rather large chunk of change by next monday-tax day! and it is basically my fault. silly me i didn’t think the feds could possibly want more from my paltry income. boy was i wrong!! i will never hear the end of that. and then my husband’s drinking buddy wants to do an “intervention” with him this weekend about his drinking. won’t that just be a barrel of laughs? it means nothing when the nagging wife complains . maybe it will mean something when a friend says something. […]
it has been a week since last week’s drama. i go in for an appt tomorrow and i am nervous. going to the scene of the crime. i hope no one there will recognize me as the loser who had a police escort out of the building. my emotions run the gamut from being hopeful about the future to actively suicidal. even when i was at the hut i found myself writing down lyrics to songs about suicide. if you are into rock music you know metallica’s fade to black and megadeth’s a tout le monde. again my “death wish” comes through. the fact that […]