I was manic when we started dating. That’s what the drs say. I had lost weight, was happy, wanted to stay up so late and have sex all the time. I moved In with him. He fell In love with me. Then I crashed. So low I thought of suicide constantly. I’ve never been manic or this low before. I feel as if I’ve created him. I’m not who I was. Gained weight. Ugly. Stupid. I feel so sorry for him. I should move out so he can find a good person for him. I’ve told him that and he says he wants me, […]
Tag:
move
Do any of you have something or an experience you want? A dream you had once? Small ones or big ones?
I want to see my best friend live a happy life. Maybe have some of my poetry published. Move to NZ and have a child.
If I could.
If you were healthy, what would you do?
I’m 20 and in my second year of varsity. I have a history of cutting myself and have tried to kill myself a few times, putting myself in hospital once. After a lot of effort and the help of my boyfriend I was able to move past it and break the habit. But now he and I are having a really rough patch. We have nothing in common. He’s Mr Logic while I’m immensely emotional. He doesn’t make me feel wanted or special. It feels like he looks down on me a lot. I’m not even sure if I still love him any more. My […]
Often I sculpt people
Who aren’t there
To create memories that don’t exist
That make me laugh at nothing
Often
Pretend that someone is concerned
That I actually knew you
And that the choir knows my name
At night I imagine
That I smell your hair
I hear you breathe
I slip into your womb
Always
I wake up alone
With a fractured skull
And empty space
Still in my wheelchair
Unable to move
While the diva in my head
Sings long arias
Of self abuse
That I twist into
Lullabies just to survive
In the doctors office
I open the magazine
I fail the […]
You know, depression is one frustrating thing. After you’ve been so good for such a long time you start to think you’ve beaten it and that’s that.
Like a cold that had finally decided it was time to leave.
But when you finally let your guard down and try to forget about all those depressed time, it decides to come back and feed on your positive life force.
Can I just have the cold instead please? Haha
I just don’t understand why it has to hide in my shadow, acting like molasses and weighing me down when I try to move forward. “Oh, hey there depression. […]
I left the house at 3:45 pm when I remembered I wanted to visit a few of the local thrift stores. I got to four out of five I wanted to. I found two pillows- a body on and a bed pillow. Just 30 minutes before I was unable to make a move towards anything. I was so down, I called my crisis line and just spoke for a ten minutes or so. Just enough to get myself going.
So, as I dash from one side of town to the other I am feeling- this is life! Yes! Just an hour ago I was going to […]
So yesterday morning I was all ready to go. No fucking around this time. No last messages. No dramatic and theatrical end to my life.
I put the belt around my neck and suspended myself. It hurt, I won’t lie to you. The feeling of blood backing up in your head. Vision went blurry and the music I’d put on sounded all tinny and metallic. My limbs went heavy but I could still move them.
Then I heard it…
The front door opening.
We’re finally having our door fixed because it was broken into a while ago.
It was the contractor coming to finish the job. He knew I was […]
If you’re a Brit’ like me you’ve probably heard about an overhaul the NHS are planning, if not then I’ll explain.
The national health service are known for being lacking in the treatment of children and young adults with mental health problems in Britain, and as part of a new move there will be a comprehensive overhaul of all the services they provide.
I can’t help but feel this is all too little, too late for some many young people. I’ve suffered for years and found the treatment excellent. What little of it I got, that is. My mum is treated for her anxiety and she saw […]
I hate it. I got out of my grandma’s house for cutting, and she sent me to a hospital. the hospital was okay, but after I refused to go back with her they put me into a ton of different Starr programs. The sad part is, my middle name is Starr so it’s more depressing than it should be.
I’ve given up on friendships, since I’ll just have to leave in a week. I keep to myself and read my books. I haven’t stopped cutting, even though I really should. I’ve met my soon-to-be foster mother. She’s so sweet, she just has to clean her hose […]
I’m engaged. She’s the most beautiful person in the world. But I feel so fuckin alone like.. I no she’s the one for me. Recently her roommate don’t like me and made me move out so I did just that . we’ve grown distant quickly. Three days I’ve been back at my grandmothers house. And she has broken promises and knows of my problems… She’s driving me over the edge …yes I’ve told her…and I beg of her not to keep hurting me… But …she doesn’t care… Not text no calls back she’s slowly breaking me know in I’m fucked up in the head… Why […]
I hate to be a pest but I’m going to have to extent my unrequited love story to reflect on the loss of losing something you worked so hard for. Friendship is a very transitional thing. My experience with friendship is that it’s organic and eventually just dies. People either move away or they stop associating with you – you just become a lost memory or something to be ignored. I say this because recently I became the something to be ignored – something to be looked through and not at. The jokes are no longer shared – the tears are only seen by you. […]
I have been stuck here for 15 years. I have parents that are very old fashioned, but lately have been slacking up with my brother (5 years younger than me) and it is pissing me off. He has turned into a sneaky brat. And my parents thing I’M the disrespectful one. No, but the two of us shouldn’t have the same rules. They smother me and I am not allowed to go out. Oh, and I weigh 90llbs and want to weigh 80. So I basically just want me and my boyfriend to move away into the forest with our guns, horses, and no food […]
I’m new here everyone. I came upon this site because I was just messing around on Google searching suicide stuff and now here I am. Well first off I wanted to post a little insight on what I should with what situation I’m in right now. I live in Oklahoma, I was born in New Mexico but I moved back and forth until my mom decided that we should move here for financial reasons and because she didn’t want me going to middle school in New Mexico because of the bad influences. Anyways, I’m only 15 and I would say I have had a tough […]
I’ve always had two insurmountable fears. First is the fear of drowning, and second is the fear of being buried alive. When I was a kid I was deathly afraid of dying in a falling elevator but I outgrew that for some reason. Lately though I have been feeling like I have been buried alive. Trapped in a dark, silent coffin in a concrete burial vault beneath six feet of cold, hard dirt. I can kick, I can scream until my tonsils bleed (oh wait, I don’t have any tonsils), I can pound and scratch until my fingers are bloodied and all that I can […]
Anyone have a memorable experience with the passing of a pet friend?
by Mizuki1000
written by Mizuki1000
Today I buried my dog. My best friend an only child like me could’ve had. I had to dig the hole and put her in it. The thing that made me so pissed was the fact my grandmother would not help me pick her up and tried to make me bend her legs to get her to fit in the hole I told her was small. I had to move her body to the side of the hole to make it bigger. My grandma did not tell me she wasn’t acting normal. I ate breakfast, and played on a computer while my dog was dying.
My […]
the pendulum sways
one weight rises
the other falls
but where is the cuckoo?
the hands slowly move
the hours come
and the hours go
but where is the cuckoo?
one thought makes me frightened
another turns my stomach
I pull my hair
but where is the cuckoo?
crawl out of my bed
turn on the light
go to the mirror
the damned cuckoo stares back at me
Following on from my first post – http://suicideproject.org/2015/01/i-hate-my-fucking-life/
I am now back in the states, basically homeless (living in a hotel atm). I have a lease that I am supposed to be signing next week, but keep thinking about exiting before then and sending all of my money to my mom, brother and soon to be ex-wife (just writing “ex-wife” causes me to break down). That option sounds more logical as I won’t be needing a lease very soon.
I’ve made my decision – It will be the hood. My main decision now, is whether to let my wife know. Obviously she will think it’s a game or cry […]
It’s days like today when I’m in so much pain that I can’t even go to work that I am the most miserable. I hurt so bad I can barely move and so all I can do is sit here and think. Thinking is dangerous.
A long time ago I used to count down the days until stupid things like when school would start again, or when I would finally move out of the house. Now that I’m a sort of adult those things are just ridiculous. I count down to something much more important. To the day that I will attempt suicide again and I will succeed. It’s scary that I’m writing this down publicly because it’s been a secret I’ve kept to myself for so long now. I’m not looking for a way out, I’m not looking to change my mind, I’ve tried all that and it’s exhausting, […]
I want to reply with the chorus from Metallica’s song Trapped Under Ice, but that’s just opening pandora’s box and I really don’t want to guide anyone down my rabbit hole of misery.
Freezing
Can’t move at all
Screaming
Can’t hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I’m trapped under the ice
I feel like that every weekend, when I’m laying in bed, blanket pulled up over my head. I have every thought in the world for productive things I could do, but I never move. I spent the majority of this past weekend laying in bed sulking […]