im extremely depressed and idk why. I cant get these bad thoughts out of my head and I feel like a failure. ive had similar episodes of depression in the past and have attempted suicide before using pills and I don’t want to get back to that. I attend a liberal arts school and was on the wrestling team with a scholarship but I gave that up today due to this depression. Im planning on dropping out, I don’t want my parents to waste 18,000 dollars on this school where I walk around wanting to die and failing classes. I just want help from someone that’s not getting paid to […]
Tag:
my head
You think I’m fat? Cool. You think I’m a loner ? Fine by me, love the comment. You think I’m ugly? What wait….sorry I was looking for a fuck to give.
It amazes me that people could be so cruel and uncaring towards another person. They whisper and point, my mother always told me pointing was rude as was bullying. It hurts honestly to hear what I already know. I guess the words coming from someone else’s mouth hurts a lot worse. I look in an reflective surface and immediately I feel self conscious.
I hide it. Laugh it off and joke around. It’s not that hard, […]
there’s a feeling I get every time a friend asks me to hang out. I often get short of breath my my heat races. I get hot and my head starts to pound. but why?
why is it that even though I want to hang out, I always find my self making excuses.
is it because I’m afraid they will ask me why in wearing a long sleeve shirt in 100 degree weather?
is it because they will comment about my pale face a bags under my eyes?
I don’t know what’s wrong with me..
So… I really don’t know where to start or what I’m even meant to say… My head is so full of racing thoughts that I can’t even work out what the thoughts are, they’re just a complete mess. I don’t want this anymore, I don’t want to live like this. I’ve tried so hard to beat it but I can’t fight anymore, I’m pretty sure fighting with your own mind is impossible anyway? I feel like there’s nothing left to do… I just desperately need to end this, I need to hurry up and do it. I just wish that this guilt wouldn’t stop me/ […]
That’s almost what I did today. I barely stopped myself. I was just overwhelmed. My mom yelled at me, my brother treated me badly, I’ve been depressed for weeks now (constantly). I’ve lost almost all my friends. I’m being forced to face my day (by my mother) when I can’t even get up.
And I face the monster in front of me everyday: my past.
Many tell me: what you did meant nothing. It’s the past. My pain meant nothing? The fact I gave away something I can’t get back is nothing? It being in the past doesn’t change anything.
So today I’m running. Away from everything. I’m […]
I’ve always been independent. Independent and mature, people called me. Even when I was a little girl. And I’ve always been the type of person that likes to be alone a lot of the time. I’m tough, I’m strong, and I stand alone. I don’t think about love very often. I don’t want a relationship or to get married; at least not now. I’m eighteen years old; I’m just a baby, people tell me. And that never made sense to me. Wasn’t I the “mature” one? But it all makes sense when it comes down to those moments when everything is dark, both outside my […]
I give up on everything. I don’t see the point anymore.
one day ill slip away no one will know were i am
one day ill fly away till my wings melt in the sun
one day ill bleed out in a shower no one will find me.
one day one more fucking day on this earth ill go insaine
im going to screem at the stars till thay fall on my head
ill sware at the sun till it berns me red
ill get in evrye fight till im beten to a pulp
ill cry evrey nigh till i can cry no more
ill cut my arms till you cant see the skin
ill slice my chest with a razor so thin
ill dice my legs up […]
down long rodes we ride
no light insite no end near
scars on my arm like wrighting read only by me
i know evry line ever virse
i know the name of ech of the people who put them there
im a cobweb the strans are cut in to my flesh
i cach no flys just pane and greef
my head is a monster ready to rip my heart out
it sends me screeming in to the nigh
“that girls not really there”
the girl at the end of my bed isunt there
the blood on the floor isunt there
im a child […]
All your empty smiles
All your broken dreams
All your willful desires
Are floating down the stream
You say I can make it
You say that I’m strong
But all these scars only prove
That you are very wrong
Because I know what is true
I’m bound to die a lonely girl
Always feeling blue
I just keep on walking
One step then another
Hoping I am going
In the right direction
But all the signs say opposite
Where am I
I wonder
I’m stuck in the awful place
That is called my home
Where all my demons try to suck my soul
So please don’t try to tell me
That I’ll be alright
Because I know what is true
I’m bound to die a lonely girl
Always feeling blue
There […]
And that makes me sad, sort of.
My middle name is Maree, and I’ve had serious depression for about three-and-a-half years now. I believe the causes have an older age, but most of it is a bit foggy. Do I write “had” depression, as if it was an object? I had a hat that I used to wear everyday, no matter the weather, but now I don’t anymore. Or is it more of a condition: I’ve been depressed for three-and-a-half years, and the fact that it hasn’t let up tremendously shows it’s more that a bit of the blues.
I’m straying from the point. I don’t know […]
Sometimes I think I was born suicidal. No idea whether or not that’s actually possible, but I was certainly born … damaged. I’m choosing my words carefully, I don’t know how much I want to say yet.
But yes. Born damaged and then damaged a whole lot more in various ways.
I made one serious attempt many years ago and one that turned out farcical a few years ago and now … now I am sure of many more things and so I have some leeway, when the damage allows it.
Perhaps I will have time to write the longest suicide note in the world and then, I […]
Crying each morning,
Crying all day.
Releasing the sorrow,
Releasing the pain.
Fight to wake up,
Fight to get out of bed.
Fighting the demons.
Inside my head.
Where do they come from,
Why are they there.
Maybe things would be different,
If someone would care.
Most look away.
It’s easier for them.
But I have a solution.
They will see then.
Maybe feel guilt,
Maybe feel shame.
Maybe feel something,
If they remember my name.
I just wrote this for someone…….mainly how they see things looking out to the world…..
Storm in the sky,
Storm in my head.
Layin and cryin,
Tears soaking the bed.
Feelin the pressure,
Feelin the pain.
Heartache and suffering,
Call out my name.
I want to be loved,
Need someone to care.
Cant do this alone,
I need someone there.
Why so much rage,
Why so much hate.
Self destructing,
It seems it can’t wait.
Consumed by my feelings,
Consumed with the guilt.
The pain and the suffering,
Upon my life it was built.
But someone loves me,
I know that they do.
I know who […]
I feel lost and scared. I am stuck in a rut with work and school. I am not the person I thought I would be at this point in my life.. Just don’t feel like I can turn to anyone. I have had bad thoughts running through my head too often and they keep coming. The people I could talk to have vanished I don’t know how to continue on faking like I’m okay. I don’t know how to life live knowing I’m not who I want to be and trying to change doesn’t satisfy anyone they want immediate change and I can’t provide that
254.
Two hundred fifty four days since I first made my decision. I went out that day with my rope to a nature trail that is rarely used nearby my work. One solid tree in the secluded woods was all I wanted. It was my birthday. I began walking down the trail, but slipped at the end of a wooden bridge, wet with the Autumn rain. I touched my head. Blood.
Weighing my options, I pulled myself up and headed back to my car. Where I fell was clearly visible by a nearby parking lot, so instead of risking the possibility that anyone that might have seen […]
I want to welcome you to your life. I’ve seen and filled it with my eyes, and it is pure. When you believe in something strong, you can be too sure. And if it’s safe to sleep at night…
I will walk you through your home and set your place. I’m still attracted by your smile, that rests upon your face. You don’t want to rest your lips.. So lets keep them speaking. I hear her speak to me..love
Oh she told me things I’ve set in stone, drove my heart steaks through the ground. I’ve up rooted..all I’ve known.
I know a world […]
I have taken my anxiety med, I am drinking a beer and watching True Blood. Trying not to give in to my compulsion to make nice with my ex. I am embarassed by my behavior. I need to sort myself out. I guess I relied on him as a way to get out of my head for a bit.
Ever had someone laugh in your face for trusting them? I never trust myself or my own judgement because my head is so fucked. Someone convinced me to give them a chance and that I was being irrational which is normally the case. Well tonight they literally laughed because I trusted their intentions and settled for less. I feel so stupid and so used and I am just trying to survive when I would rather be dead. I have prayed for death for so long and tried to kill myself several times. Why do I set myself up for heartbreak. I am not important to […]
The thought of me killing myself is literally the best thing ever. It makes me happy to know it will all be over soon. I hate when people say “do what makes you happy” You want me to be happy? Then hold a gun to my head and pull the damn trigger. K thanks.