The other day I went for a haircut. I asked for a pixie. I told the stylist I wanted it longer in the back, with lots of layers. She gave me what looks like a boy’s haircut. It’s not feminine at all. I’m so dadgummed miserable with it! I hate it! This is to be my last haircut, as I will soon be making my exit. I had wanted my hair to look nice for that, as weird as it sounds. I was going to color it as well. (It’s mostly grey.) I’ve had many haircuts in my life where the stylist ignored my wishes. […]
The more I think about it the more I realize I’m just not a nice person. I can’t remember the last time I made someone happy. I’m just too selfish and lazy to care about too many people and I hate myself for this. Sometimes I just wish I stopped feeling the small amount of happiness I do feel so that I could do nothing but try and make people happy. But I can’t, and that’s why I’m just a waste of living flesh that doesn’t deserve to live. The only reason I’m still alive is because I’m scared to take my own life. Whenever […]
Woke up as some of you know at the unholy hour of what was it….2:30ish am…..ordering coffee from room service. I sat out on my balcony and drank the whole pot they brought me before retiring back to bed where I slept and dreamed in circles. Same thing kept happening over and over and over….annoying.
*Yep, still wearing Danny boys sweatpants…I do love these things*
Got up a couple of hours ago, took a nice hot bath but not before ordering more coffee and a couple […]
One thing about being in a stretch of insomnia is that the rest of you are probably sound asleep, dreaming amazing dreams while I am sitting here typing.
Random things I think about while sitting here alone and awake:
If insomnia kills brain cells, I will probably forget my ABC’s by this time next week. Who am I again?
If, after we die, we get to go to another world where our wishes finally get granted, I would love to live in a tiny seaside cottage with a wonderful guy who honestly loves me. It would be wonderful if he played the cello. I picture a flower bed […]
About that time to enter the 7th circle of hell. As usual, the anticipation and dread is firmly setting in. I already know what’s in store.
It’s been a nice distraction writing Triple S, I hope it brings you all some iota of entertainment. Part 3 will have to be next week.
If anyone cares, or wonders, why I’m MIA, I’m banned from outside connections while battling the Hell Beast. Most likely I’m not dead.
See ya later,
A.O.
So I am the laziest person ever. I have been trying to convince my self of sitting down and write my tesis or to even read some articles as a basis. I don’t want to do it. I can’t do it. I hate having to do it. I really hate it.
I skip work today too. And even fail to do my part in a group I was trying to organize. The people are nice there, but they are getting tired of me. I just don’t want to do anything.
Last Monday I went to the doctor to ask for a remission for psychiatry (it’s necessary to […]
Just walked in thinking everyone thinks im shit (which they do). Its better then walkong in all happy, and excited thinking im just going to be nice and maby make some friends. But insted they are just fake to me and talk shit about me behind my back. This way they cant hurt me worse then i hurt myself. ? Is it bad that this makes me calm.
Nothing big. But I thought it was kind of nice and serene, and wanted to share it. Maybe somebody will get something positive out of it.
Edit: Realized that is was very small. So here it is zoomed it, if that helps.
Happy February everyone… Today it is 70 degrees. My favorite temp. Not too cold, not too hot. Just perfect. I feel alive today. I stepped outside and felt the nice cool breeze on my skin. Spring is going to come early this year here in Virginia beach. It’s been a warm winter. I’m gonna go to the beach today or go to our state park and walk on the trails.
For some reason, days like this make me happy that i haven’t given up yet on life. It’s so peaceful out and pretty. I wish every day was like this.
I hope all of your days […]
Drawing fills me with anxiety and it’s something that’s really hard for me. It’s hard to explain. I once tried to become an illustrator, but thought it was going to be complicated if I had to be self-employed, economically unestable and had to deal with my depression at the same time. I don’t have the discipline needed. I felt I wasn’t good enough. It turned me nuts, couldn’t handle it and I had to quit.
But I’ve been drawing a little again this month. And it worked for me today after feeling really down. I am better after being distracted drawing. Did it for hours. It […]
Ghosts in the photograph
never lie’d to me.
I’d be all of that
I’d be all of that.
A false memory
would be everything.
A denial my eliminent.
What was that for?
What was that for?
What would you do
if you saw spaceships
over Glasgow?
Would you fear them?
Every aircraft,
every camera,
is a wish that
wasn’t granted.
What was that for?
What was that for?
Try to be bad.
Try to be bad.?
Maogwai.
Im so stupid.
Im so dumb.
Im such a bad person.
I could just leave.
I don’t understand.
Everybody hates me.
I don’t deserve anything.
Life is a trap.
Im so confused.
I could just die.
Torture.
Violence.
Kill myself.
Im mean.
Everyone is so nice, and I’m so horrible.
Im alone.
I don’t know why, I just wanted to make a list to see if I could right out everything from my head, I couldn’t, I’m not good at writing.
My friend called me to go to the beach and go see the water and trails and it was so cold , about 25 degrees . But I got some good pictures . Here’s some
happiness to share with you all 🙂 it was gloomy out but the water was pretty .
Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset
There are so many ways to help yourself other than stuffing your self with pills and seeing a therapist . I’ve never done either of those so I don’t really know what it’s like , but I have friends that tell me self therapy is so much better and that is ….
Art.
I’ve been recently starting calligraphy . It’s so interesting .. And hard . & it’s beautiful .
For Christmas my mom bought me a zen coloring book too . And it’s nice because I’m just paying attention to coloring in between the lines .
I think art is a good way to help yourself . It’s […]
I had a friend, lemme back up…… my husband knew this guy, they used to be the best of friends. They had known each other since they were 12. The guy got non Hodgkin s lymph node cancer when he was a teenager. My husband was up there at the hospital every day with him. he lived, ‘beat it’, whatever..this is unrelated, just a back drop…..anyways, flashfoward….he moves in with us, maybe 3 years into our marriage, lives with us for about a year. Nice guy. I wouldn’t have chosen to live with the guy, but he was an integral part of my husband’s life, […]
Happy New Year, everyone!
Whether you are going to some rave party where you have a 50/50 chance of overdosing on MDMA, or spending the night on a couch with Jack Daniels watching the T.V. shows, or sitting with your family at a table full of nice, homecooked food, I hope your transition into 2016 will be a pleasurable one!
I can’t say for sure, but I think I’ve gotten better. Sure, there’s the illicit drug use that might’ve played a role in that, but hey, as long as it worked, who cares, right? I’m off the chemical stuff anyway, sticking to the bud for now. Got […]
To read all my walking dead novels, I got a couple for xmas.
Look for and succeed in finding a data entry or typing job.
To keep learning all that I can from free Careerlink classes. So I can excel in the job I want.
Change my attitude because I don’t want to keep feeling sorry for myself.
I want to help others if I can.
Move on and Maybe meet someone!
I want to travel to other states.
I want to see my fav band again August Burns Red. Well I left early and missed them in November.
Spend more time with my family, especially since I skipped xmas and missed them.
And […]
I was over the edge and ready to jump — and you took my hand in yours. The past few days have been really nice, but especially tonight. Thank you for making an otherwise unbearable Christmas Eve more than okay. I hope you will stay.
Love, Eva
I haven’t posted a lot, but I already feel like you’re my family. So warm and welcoming. I’m glad I’m not the only one out there with doubts and fears. I hope I one day can be like you, nice and full of hope. Thank you for being there. Thank you to you all.