well today was almost the day. why it wasn’t isn’t really important here. but the means, the opportunity and the will are all there. i really don’t know why i have fallen into the pit. i have been crying a lot (read everyday), angry, etc etc. you know the drill. after that then there is a certain kind of numbness. i am purposely withdrawing from the world, life. then the physical stuff isn’t exactly helping either. the near constant stomach pain whether i eat or not, various wounds from months ago that are not healing. chest pain and fatigue just for shits and giggles. yes […]
There’s no point in living if you’re all alone with your thoughts and dreams and have no one to share in them.
There’s no point in living if you feel too much pain and suffering in a life that’s empty of anything worthwhile.
There’s no point in living if you see everyone around you are out enjoying their lives while you remain hidden.
There’s just no point in living;
I don’t want to look out of my eyes anymore and see the utter void that my life is.
I think I am almost ready… I almost let it slip today that I have a plan. No one noticed though all I ever hear is have faith. Well it’s too late for that… I have to pick a date I think that will help push me to get everything ready. I wonder how long it will take for anyone to notice I am gone.
Just need to put my goodbyes in order…I have to say goodbye…
How did I get here again? Ugh! I feel like I am never going to break free of this damn soul-disease that makes me hate myself. I feel numb and just want this continual emotional battle that I have going on inside of my head to just give it a rest and leave me alone already! How many more relationships do I sabotage? I have no friends and that is because I don’t want any. I believe that if someone gets to know the real me that they won’t be very impressed-so I push everyone away. I am not close to my parents and I […]
I’m sick, I have a cold, and no one is in home, even if I’m dying nobody will give a fuck about me.
I often wonder what everyone else is thinking. Do they think the same way as I do? Do they have scars under their sleeves? Are they suicidal? I’m 17 and in my final year of high school. I’m sure there is some statistic that tells you one in every x amount of people have depression, and y amount of those people are suicidal. But I really don’t believe in statistics, everyone is different, you know. No one would ever guess how my mind works. I am the quiet girl. She sits in the front seat, laughs with her friends, smiles, comforts people, maintains average grades. […]
As stupid as it sounds, I thought I would never be bullied.
I know suicide isn’t ever the answer. But it feels like the only option. I can’t live like this anymore. I’ll start from the beginning.
My name is Avolvia, as ugly as it is, I prefer Ava. I’ve always liked my name before I came to live in Mississippi. Before I came here, I lived alone. A runaway that no one looked for or cared for. I wandered everywhere and eventually ended up in the house of a nice old woman who I consider family to me. She took care of […]
‘Streets Of Rage’
Every night I cry for my life from abyss.
I search for you inside the pond.
But my chained binary.
Alchemy.
What will save me.
The music, take me back in time.
Phoenix is the resurrection but there is no one.
Time versus intervention of divine.
Before I die.
Before I die.
Press ‘start’ and never die
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftKSa5U4orQ
The 4 Horsemen of Lotus
“Not Falling”
by Mudvayne
Always, known in, all my time,
A little left of center now
Reflect as I realize,
That all I need is to find the middle pillar path to sit like the sun by a star in the sky and
just be.
Sinners, casting stones at me
I… I stand, not crawling, not falling down
I… I bleed the demons that drag me down
I… I stand, (for nothing), not crawling, (the center), not falling down (of calms within the eye)
I… I’ll bleed, (for no one), The demons, (but myself), that pull me down (for me and no one else)
Goodbye, sunshine, I’ve put […]
When all you need is someone who just knows and tell you it’ll be okay, you remember that you’ve already scared them away and there is no one left. with each cut I become less human, I just want to feel again, have that sensation of being alive.
Never sat down and wrote anything before so I said why not I’m 36 blk m when I write can’t believe I made it this long life hAs not been to hard worked since I was about 22 Always tried to stay stress free just going with the flow of things this last year has been the hardest been out of work about 9 months lost my job like so many others then watched my self fall apart losing everthing but my self now as I watch myself go I guess it will be cool to go out on my own terms giving up […]
I’m so tired of living without purpose. Everything is just empty. There is no goal. No imagined future point at which things might be ok again.
I am alone. And I don’t mean physically. I mean morally. I am outside the human community. Everyone I interact with would have to reject me if they knew what I had done, and what I am.
What I have done is unacceptable by anyone, no matter how understanding or well meaning. No one can truly know me, accept me, love me. I am utterly alone. For the rest of my existence.
It is wrong for me to continue to live. And […]
New dilemma. I had another panic attack today, while at work. I was lucky enough to excuse myself so no one realized, but I don’t really remember what happened in the 20 minutes I was gone. Later on I notice my sleeve is sticking to my arm so I go to the bathroom to wash it off, thinking it was juice or something from one of my customers…nope. I had somehow cut myself. For the first time, I carved “useless” into my skin. What the hell?
So today I buried the man who was the closest thing to an actual father I had, and at the funeral my asshole of a stepfather who wasn’t half the man my uncle was, had the nerve to come talk to me about what I should or shouldn’t do with my uncles estate. It took every ounce of restraint not to knock his ass on the ground and pulverize him. Afterwards he begins to walk around and talk to people about his work. News flash, it’s a funeral. No one gives a shit about what you have to talk about. People are mourning the loss […]
My dad just came in my room and pretty much told me I’m an asshole. Then he said that I just like to make everybody miserable. I don’t even know why he made a point to say that he loves me, when clearly he’s just miserable he has to be with me.
I used to love my dad but now he just makes me feel so worthless. I’ve had suicidal thoughts for a long time now. But he just keeps pushing me further and further.
The worst part is that he doesn’t even know. He doesn’t know that I feel depressed, or that I want to kill […]
The walls are closing in on me once again, and I feel as though I am suffocating. I’ve been trapped in this seemingly never ending abyss for just over eight years now, and everything seems to be getting worse. I have nothing to contribute to the world, except my death. Day in and day out, I have to force myself to get out of bed, and put on a happy facade. Putting on this facade is becoming increasingly difficult to do, and I just want to give up. I do not want to live. I am nothing but a […]
I’m in such a dark place right now. I hope maybe someone will be able to relate, and tell me I’m not alone. I’ve lost a friendship that was very valuable to me. Heartbreak, despair, despondence… this is my world right now.
Background: depression and suicidal thoughts (and attempts) since childhood; lengthy episodes of near-total isolation as an adult. A suicide attempt in my teens earned me a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder, and I’ve spent nearly 2 decades complying with treatment – medication, intermittent periods of therapy, consistent check-ups.
A couple decades in, and nothing is working. The isolation, depression, loneliness… they’re getting worse all the […]
Why do people always tell you to just be happy? My ex always used to tell me that if I act happy I’ll eventually be happy.
Thats such bullshit though. I hate it. If you go through your whole life just faking a smile, how are people supposed to know the real you? Oh right, no one really cares about the real you. Do you believe that there are genuinely people out there that not only just accept your flaws but actually love them?
I don’t care anymore , all I do is cry I can’t go through with a shit life anymore feel like I have got no one anymore, need quick way to end it have no one to talk to who can understand how I feel for no reason people will think I’m crazy
OK I GIVE. Everyone jumped on me about my dog, so I will stay alive until she dies. Should only be a few more years. I can’t stand the thought of someone else having her.