I was born in broken home. My father was an alcoholic. He is clearly a psychopath without having any sense of empathy. While being alcoholic he tried to kill my mother. She born me sometime around that. She compensated her broken marriage with me, she got me emotionally overattached. She made me sexually uncomfortable by talking about sex. She severely abused me.  Once a week she was crying, screaming, shouting at everyone. She was coming to me and saying things I couldn’t even remember. She made me cry and she didn’t stop there, she just kept going and going. She was screaming she was going to […]
I’m afraid to ask so I don’t instead
I’m afraid to walk, get out of bed.
I’m afraid to soar right through the sky
cause suicide is my kryptonite.
I’m afraid to tell you that I love you so
cause if I do I’m sure you’ll go.
I’m afraid that if I tell you something
you’ll treat that secret like its nothing.
I’m afraid of a lot but with fear
comes strength.
I have been with Antonella for a couple of months, we laughed and exchanged opinions, she was very smart and at times i used to confess her something about myself..I asked her to be more intimate, she refused. She said no. I’m too fucked up in the head, she wouldn’t be right, i “need a special person”.
This thing haunts me. It haunts me. I can’t stay, i can’t sleep. She liked me. I swear my fucking balls she liked me. What is wrong, what is wrong, what
is
wrong with me and the people like me
So let’s pretend that the pain I feel everyday is nothing.
Let’s make believe that life is totally perfect, and I’ve never been hurt.
And let’s laugh like our lives aren’t totally and completely screwed up.
A while ago someone posted, I think on this site, “what is the opposite of love?” It was meant to be a trick question because they said the answer is not the obvious “hate” but rather “loneliness” or something like that.
At first I agreed, but the more I think about it I think the opposite of love really is hate.
In physics the opposite of any force is another force that, when applied to the first, causes zero. For example the opposite of a 50 mph north wind would be a 50 mph south wind so anyone standing where they meet would feel nothing.
So back to […]
I lay in bed at night thinking of all the words I didn’t say. All the should of and could of’s all followed by didn’t. All these words swimming in my head. The thoughts that never end. Regret fills the voids of this life unlived. A never ending circle of constant reminders that I am nothing
I have an innate desire to die. It is ingrained in my every thought. I feel as though I have no reason to live. I’ve suffered from depression for ten years and I’m tired that it never goes away. Through medication and therapy there is no cure. Life is meaningless. Time passes and I go through the motions. There is nothing left but to sit and wait. Trying to convince myself that things will get better or looking forward to things that don’t matter. Am I not just creating an illusion to give me a reason to keep going? Â Once that goal has passed it […]
I have a mean to end it all.
Painlessly.
Yet, I can’t do it.
Indeed, those before me.
Were cowards, not at all.
I am not mercurial.
But I know, somehow.
I’m too tired to follow through.
This existence seriatim.
I look skyward,
and see nothing.
“Show yourself, You coward”.
Indeed, I was shouting
in the wrong direction.
I have a choice,
between lost eyesight,
or continuing a decadent existence.
I wish I could’ve somehow,
fight against our fall.
If only they know,
how much I love them.
tonight is my last night. i’ve already said goodbye and I’m sorry to my mom. but she refuses to accept it. i told her to make sure my note is read by all the people it concerns. she’s in disbelief. my father doesn’t allow me to be upset.
i can’t live with him. it will only be arguing and fighting forever. nothing will get better. and i can’t live without him.
I’m going to see my grandparents one last time tomorrow.
im in the middle of drafting my note. i want to make sure i say everything i need to say.
I’ve tried everything. there […]
Mine looks like a contorted black hole that sucks everything around into its center.
I had been like this before, but this time is different. I had tried suicide once before: i tried drinking detol, quite clumsy and painful i would imagine, my mother threw a fit about ‘what the neighbors would say’ – i find her scent now, she stinks.
I never really admitted whether I had depression or not, it seems like something quite subjective and personal. I only know that I feel numb and hopeless and meaningless and sometimes i cry but then that seems pointless as well. though i have so many monetary […]
You are important and valuable. So priceless, that I want to spend my time on you. Please come talk to me. Nothing would delight me more. I have an ear perfect for listening. And lips always good for a smile. Or an encouraging word. Do not be shy. ^.^
Things make more sense to me now than they ever have in my entire life. I died, the person I was the dreams I had all of it died that was the true reason why I have been so upset. I didn’t want to accept that I let myself die because it hurt too much. But it’s done with now and I can’t change a thing about it. I feel empty, I don’t know who I am or what I want, it feels like I was placed into a body, a life that is empty. It’s like it isn’t my life so I have no […]
if you walked by a crowed of people. would you be able to point out the ones that are sad and the ones who have nothing better to do then just kill them selvs?
i hung in there with you through thick and thin..you threw me away now im the one thats left wondering why and what i did so wrong for you to walk away like what we had meant nothing to you.
you are just like the rest taking what you want and giving nothing, i actually loved you so fucking much it hurt me everyday.
why cant i just be accepted or find happiness i cant remember the last time i smiled and meant it..ah well the world wont have to put up with me for much longer!
what was i, what have i become. i am only getting more and more corrupted. i wanted to, didn’t i? when i couldn’t find a way out of it, i decided to get more into it. taste of lie, taste of corruption!
“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.†– Dostoevsky
i wanted to test it. and i was so confident […]
I hate myself as a person. so many people make posts about how they’re so angry and so mad at everyone for ruining their lives… not me. I can’t blame anyone for any major bad things in my life… I’ve had it good.
The thing is, I ruined my own life. But you wouldn’t know it to look at it from the outside in. I have a good paying job, happily married, siblings/parents/grandparents all in my life. I don’t deserve my wife or other things in my life, but I’m a naturally flawed and ungrateful person so while I realize I don’t deserve them, that doesn’t […]
Time flies faster than I could ever imagine… =_=â€
Anyway! Goodbye Winter so long snow, Hello Spring it’s time to watch flowers grow… I love this both seasons. ^_^
I couldn’t post on time because I had some problems with the internet.
I’ve been feeling really down since the sun has gone down; not that it ever really made a difference watching the sun through my bedroom window. These days, nothing changes with me, although things and people change all around. I lie here and wait for death to come for me, eventually.
Here is a song to go with my poem –
These Days – Nico
I’ve been out walking
I don’t do too much talking
These days, these days
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to
I’ve stopped my rambling
I […]
When you want nothing more than to be dead, but you can’t bring yourself to commit suicide, and have to live day after day of misery, I believe that this is torture. Trivial compared to “real” torture, but still torture nonetheless.
Torture is defined for many magnitudes, but only the sufferers of the absolute worst kinds of torture receive any sympathy in this world. As another example, one-time victims of rape are often stigmatized, and the pain they suffer is dismissed as marginal. But if the victim was kidnapped and raped over a long period of time, she gains near-universal sympathy.