my last night

Kinda doubt you’ll read this but I hope you’ll try.

Why are you so willing to flush away that girl who you so lovingly described in your post over some stupid guy? She sounds pretty great. I’m surprised you’re even able to say so many nice things about yourself because usually people who have become so toxically addicted to a bad relationship have lost all sense of self and identity. Usually in a case like yours you devote so much of your life to this losing battle that you simply become “the girl who thinks can’t live without this one guy” and that totally erases and drowns out “the girl who liked to talk to people, loved to sing” etc. Over time your identity and personality become nothing but this poisonous desire to have something that life is apparently telling you isn’t going to work.

How much of the last few years have you devoted to nurturing this girl who likes to talk and sing and play piano compared to the energy you have invested in refusing to let this relationship die. If you’re honest I think you’ll admit that you’ve become nothing but the struggle for this relationship and that’s it. The girl who finds joy in all those other tings hasn’t been allowed to come out and enjoy life for a long time. It’s almost a glimmer of hope that you were able to sit down and write all those detailed things about yourself, proving that you haven’t totally lost track of your own identity, unfortunately this one little glimmer is within the context of a post that says you are finally preparing to kill yourself.

“there is no way he will accept that he needs help.” That sentence stuck out to me because I wonder if you have an understanding that you are just as guilty of that same thing. Assuming you are still talking about the very same person that you have been talking about on SP for a very long time now, this has been going on forever. Your vision becomes a bit distorted when you can sit there and say you’re annoyed that he will not accept that he needs help, while ignoring that fact that you might need it more than him. There is no reason to become so poisonously addicted to another silly human being that you are wanting to end your life just because you can’t force a relationship to work with this person. It’s just so sad, in all the posts you’ve written about this I can see your willingness to try to push a massive boulder uphill at the risk of crushing yourself, all in the name of love, all in the name of this person who you wish would see you and appreciate you. The sad part is that there are thousands of guys out there who would kill to have a girlfriend who would invest a fraction of that much energy into actually wanting to be together and work on the relationship as a team instead of just giving up. Hell, I myself wish I could have ever found someone like that, instead of the girlfriends I’ve had who decided that I was a piece of garbage worth walking away from at the first sign of a disagreement. You have so much value and you could create something so wonderful if you weren’t so afraid of what happens to your life and your identity if you decide to leave this rotten person behind and wait until some day you can meet someone who is going to want to be with you just as badly as you want to be with them. You are so determined that you must create this relationship work-of-art with this partner who doesn’t want to work at it with you. You could create much more beauty with much less of a struggle if you would just go seek out someone who actually wants to be with you rather than suicidally insisting that it either has to be with this person or nobody. You’re not going to win the 3 legged race of life in a relationship where the other person refuses to run with you. You’ll just kill yourself trying to drag them along.

As frustrated as you are with this person, I have been equally frustrated with reading your posts about this situation for so long. Not frustrated as in mad at you, frustrated in a sad way, that you just absolutely refuse to live your life without this person.

Everyone deals with heartbreak. Whether you believe it or not I am just as much of a hopeless romantic as you appear. I still spend a lot of time miserable over people who have left my life years and years ago. When relationships weren’t working out I would write pages and pages of letters trying to convince people to care enough to stay with me and work things out. The only difference in my situation is that these people flat out decided that they didn’t want me around anymore and I had no right to continue bothering them. For some reason it sounds like this guy continues to allow you to keep fighting for him. Nothing makes you have to accept that a relationship is over faster than when someone blocks you in every way they can and says they’ll have to get a restraining order if you keep trying. It’s pathetic but I’ve been there before. You would benefit from this guy telling you to get lost and to stop trying or else he’ll call the police, but it sounds like he is happy to keep letting this play out for months and months.

I am the weakest person in the world when it comes to accepting that something is over and moving on. I sit here and think about people I miss just about every day, I still have dreams/nightmares about a relationship that ended over 2 years ago now. If my pathetic ass can find a way to keep going, so could you. But you’re afraid of the hardest part just like I always was. The hardest part is the beginning, actually letting it go, feeling a sensation that feels like your heart is pouring out blood all over your feet for the next few days or week, feeling the total agony of waking up in the morning and remembering that this person is out of your life now. But it’s a unique situation in that the worst is at the beginning and it gets easier. The first part of the mountain that you have to climb is so tall that you can’t even look over and see the rest of it. You can’t see that if you just deal with the first part, it starts to go downhill and gets a lot easier. It’s like there’s a 100 foot wall you have to climb first, and the only thing on the other side of it is a pretty easy path that you have to keep walking until you start to feel better, but you can’t see over the wall yet, so you’re deciding that you’re going to kill yourself at the base of the wall and never realize that there is life on the other side of it. I’m on the other side of the wall trying to tell you that it’s not so bad over here and that you can make it over if you try, but you’re not hearing.

It just seems like such a contradiction, if this guy is so crappy, so unwilling to fix the issues you have in your relationship, then how does it make any sense that he’s the most amazing guy in the world that you have to kill yourself over if you can’t be with him. Wouldn’t it make more sense to want to die over losing a guy who DOES love you and DOES want to work with you every day to make a great relationship? Why are you mourning the potential loss of someone who stopped being your teammate so long ago? I guess I’ve been out of love long enough to ask these questions that are based in logic, but I shouldn’t be a hypocrite, I know what it’s like to feel so insanely in love with someone even if they treat you bad, while friends and family keep trying to tell you that you’d be better off alone. I don’t know how I finally dealt with it. Like I said above, I guess ultimately it wasn’t my choice. I let people go when they finally had to tell me I’d end up in jail if I didn’t.

I really hope you will reconsider. Someone cares about you. I didn’t sit here and right all of this because I’m bored. I did it because I can relate to you because I have held on to things that I should have let die many many times. I’m not better than you, if I had someone who didn’t really try hard to be with me, but allowed me to keep pursuing them, I’d probably do it until it killed me too. I dunno about you but I think in me it’s because of some problem with my self esteem or self worth. If someone said to me “I might love you, but you need to chase me uphill for 15 years first”, I’d probably do it. Because I don’t feel like I’m worthy of being loved without having to prove it like most people do. I get some sick thrill out of having to chase after it, some part of me thinks I deserve to be tortured for it instead of just having love given to me for free. If I had to guess I’d say something is wrong with your self worth too, but I don’t want to pretend I’m an expert. But I think you probably have some void in your life or your feelings about yourself that you feel like you have to fill with another person, as I did for a long time. And I still do except I’ve let my depression beat me so much that even if I wanted to find some new girlfriend to get addicted to I’m too broke and out of shape to bother trying to find someone right now.

You’re making the incorrect mental link that because this person once made you the happiest you’ve ever been, you can’t find it somewhere else. I felt that way about my first girlfriend, and then I met someone else who made me happy again. And again and again. What you are in love with is LOVE itself. You like being with someone who makes you feel that way. It’s the sensation and the magic of feeling in love that we are so obsessed with, not these crappy people who hardly want to be with us. If you’ve only found it with this one guy so far then you’re letting yourself believe that’s the only place it can be found in this world. There is someone else in this pool of 7 billion people that can get you that electric feeling of being in love again. Best of all would be to start learning to love yourself, alone, because life gets pretty exhausting when you constantly have to find someone to make you feel better. I did it until I couldn’t do it any longer. A chain of 6 or 7 girlfriends over the years until the last one hurt me so bad that I just decided to stay in my house and stop trying. But the fact is I felt like killing myself after each and every relationship that went bad thinking I would never find someone as good, and then I did find someone to love again. Our brains are lying and scared when they tell us we will never find someone again. You insist on staying in the car that is about to plunge off a cliff instead of accepting that you can go get another car. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, just because I have experienced something doesn’t mean it will happen to you. I just reallllly think it’s unlikely that you have found the one and only person you will ever find on this earth who can make you feel love and now you have to stay with him no matter how bad it gets. I eventually found other people, and even this last time when I haven’t found somebody since, things haven’t been great but I’m not so sure it would have been better to kill myself 2 years ago. Especially not over somebody who thinks I’m worthless.

I think I said something like this to you once before when I wrote you a really long reply: Isn’t it kind of funny that I literally just sat here and spent more time and energy on caring about you then it sounds like this guy has done in a very long time according to how you describe the relationship? Isn’t just someone writing this much to you trying to convince you to keep living enough to show you that maybe that thought in your mind is wrong that there will never be someone who will care about you again? Has this guy ever sat down and wrote you a letter this long about how sorry he is that he keeps hurting you and that he really wants this to work and and he’ll do whatever it takes? If he hasn’t then WHY value him so much?! What did this guy ever do to deserve you smashing yourself bloody against the brick wall of trying to make this relationship work rather than someone else out there who would want to treasure you and treat you right getting to spend your life with you instead? Just because he made you feel good once doesn’t mean you need to stay around long after that feeling is gone. You have simply fallen into the incorrect assumption that you found love the only place you’re ever going to find it and you need to keep fighting to either get it back again with this same person, or kill yourself. It doesn’t work that way. When the fire goes out in most relationships it doesn’t start up again. You have to go find it somewhere else.

You’re not a bad person, please don’t understand. I think what you are willing to do is amazing. Nobody puts effort like this into relationships anymore. People throw each other away like garbage the first second they feel that the excitement is gone or that things are’t going perfectly. What you have is a really wonderful thing when used properly. Caring enough to work on a relationship and not just go running off with someone else is so rare these days and it’s really amazing. But it’s so easy to take it too far, to keep fighting for something when all it’s doing is killing you. That’s taking a really good thing about yourself, the fact that you don’t give up on relationships easily, and letting it get out of control into something that kills you. Refusing to give up is a great skill when you know when it’s appropriate to use it. This relationship is a brick wall that you insist you have to run through instead of being able to back up, walk away, and go around the corner and see if there is a door somewhere else. It’s admirable to never give up, unless you are smashing yourself against a wall that is going to kill what. What good is a person who doesn’t give up easily when they let one of their battles kill them? You’re a strong person who refuses to take no for an answer no matter how many times you hear it, but you’re revving yourself up to run towards this brick wall one more time and kill yourself. It’s quite a literal comparison, I feel like I’m watching someone bash their head against the wall and begging them to stop.

I hope the girl who loves art and music and talking and singing and all the things that are worth enjoying about life decides to stay alive. It’s a real tragedy if she decides none of that is worth anything because of some idiot who won’t love her back. I hope you stay alive, but more than that, I hope a miracle happens and you finally realize that you do have the strength to walk away and let this be in your past.

I wish I could find somebody like you to build a relationship with, but maybe that’s why it’s so hard to find, because people with anything good to offer end up dead from frustration before they’re able to meet each other.

Don’t kill yourself, walk away from this guy. If you’re going to kill yourself anyway then pleaaase won’t you just try to get away from him first. If it turns out to be as horrible as you think it will be trying to exist without him, then the option is always still there to finish the job. But why kill yourself without even trying it first? Feeling a willingness to kill yourself should actually make it that much easier to give it a try. “I already want to die, so I might as well try getting away from this person, and if it just hurts way too bad, then I give myself permission to end this”.

Let go of this person. You have to. I know it’s hard. But if you think you could find the courage to end your own life, which is the scariest thing of all, I think you can find the strength to walk away from someone you wish you could be with.