I have a huge crush on one guy from school for, like, forever now.. New country and new school was a rough start for me, but when I saw him for the first time, everything slowed down, my heart stopped and my brain freeze. His eyes are pale gray and when he looks at me I feel as if he is burning through my soul right out. It hurts my bones to see him, for a moment each time I see him I get a strange stabbing sensation all over my body. I am a pain addict in general, I don’t like self harm, but […]
Tag:
panic
Protected: Sometimes I feel dangerous, and obligated to keep people safe by ending myself.
written by whiskered-fish
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
My life is more or less over. I don’t want to write my story, my brain just stopped working altogether.
From what I tried to discover, there is life after death, we just cant know what it is. So the only thing is belief that the next life will be better, nothing else. Dont panic.
Usually I can’t cry. Today I managed to a couple of times. Once was when I tried to write a short message to someone. I couldn’t understand the words well enough to construct a short sentence. I couldn’t write, I couldn’t speak to them. I cried because I’d lost so much. The tears were loud and I was sensitive to noises today, so it sounded like screams ringing in my ears. I lay with my hands clamped against my mouth to stop myself screaming from the pain of the noise and depression. I lay for a long time. After an hour or two I fell […]
“What keeps you from cutting?”
This question was posed upon me by my therapist recently. My answer was that I want success more than I want momentary relief from psychological pain….
So it’s just not worth it to cut anymore. Also I haven’t yet admitted to the frequency and intensity of suicidal ideation I’ve been enduring since we started talking about “what happened”. I don’t like talking about my uncle and the incest, it hurts me deep inside. I feel like I’m bleeding internally but when I vomit up my anxiety it is nothing but acrid yellow phlegm. I essentially want to rid myself of these demons […]
I remember feeling from a very early age like I didn’t belong anywhere. I always felt like the black sheep in my family and I was always pretty shy so making friends wasn’t really a strong suit.
I started getting depressed when I was about 12 years old. I had a teacher who I usually went to when I was having a bad day because I knew no one else would listen. I was having trouble fitting in when I was in middle school. I tried to fit in with all different groups of people but I never really clicked anywhere. In […]
You like Iris by the GooGooDolls, A Drop In The Ocean by Ron Pope, who like because he’s just so genuine, you like You’re Beautiful by James Blunt because it’s just a classic, and for anybody to not have heard it is a tragedy. You love to sail, but don’t think it’s a sport, same thing with golf except you don’t play golf. You quite pop a while ack, but when you did drink it you liked Mountain Dew the best. You sand that Italian song for choir last year because when it’s translated it means so much to you. You used to watch Supernatural […]
so my boyfriend is on a family camping trip and thus has no signal all week, my other friend is in Iceland seeing the northern lights, everyone else thinks I’m better. I have no one to talk to when I hit that dark darkness for all of half term, stuck in my bedroom all day and night studying and trying to stay sane. so I’m just going to type here like I have verbal diarrhoea. last night I had a panic attack and was paralyzed just lying on my floor, I couldn’t even drag myself into bed. the night before that I made myself a […]
Glancing through my title-less “drafts”, I see so many times I started to express feelings that I never expelled. Once I had everything jotted down, I felt a sense of relief. Today, I will break that pattern.
Today, specifically, is one of those days that I can’t get out of bed. I tried to go back to sleep several times, but to no avail. It is likely that I’ll stay here all day.
So to understand somewhat of what I’m about to explain, I’ll have to go back to the past a bit.
As a child I was always shy and quiet, but bubbly and full of […]
Lately, my anxiety has been so bad that even seeing someone else do something that I would find uncomfortable doing gives me an anxiety attack.
Hello everyone…I haven’t posted on here for a while. I sincerely apologize for my lack of absence…I said I would try to help people but I just left. I thought I was better…but I’m not sure anymore. I’ve been always feeling like I’m never good enough. I’m not good enough for school, I’m not good enough for my family, I’m not good enough for the ex girlfriend I still love, I’m not good enough to for anything. I don’t know what to do. It’s handicapping me from doing anything I want to because I’m positive I’ll screw something up as usual. I keep trying to […]
So…hi everyone. My name is Jayden. I…deal with a plethora of problems on a daily basis. I have panic attacks very often and nightmares that make me cry nearly every night. I’m socially awkward…my friend had to ask me quite a bit just to post on this site. But regardless of all my problems…I met a girl who seems to make them all go away. The first time we talked on the phone I didn’t even have a nightmare that night. She means the world to me. We even had an LDR…but it ended after a couple months. But she still helps me with all […]
Things I hate about my depression.
I can’t focus at all.
Feeling really empty and guilty
The domino effect. Bad things happen after another because I decided to skip a day and just lay down.
The constant thought of dying.
The sudden panic attacks or just the feeling of being on the edge of a cliff. Just there. Not falling but not exactly okay. Then breaking down.
Even though I’ve thought of changing, my body won’t listen.
Can’t eat normally. Hungry but will feel uneasy after two to three bites.
Being blind to good things.
Anxiety, man…
Worst of all is that I made my mom disappointed at herself.
I appreciate my mom sending me inspirational […]
Since my last post I wanted to write one for some of the people here. This is mostly for people I’ve crossed paths with in the comments recently, but I appreciate everyone here. We might not have talked, but many people here have become very valuable to me.
I don’t know where to start… over the last couple of days I’ve been feeling several times that my depression has lifted. It’s a very gentle, subtle lift, but this is something that hasn’t happened to me for years. I’ve been much, much better physically the past couple of days (it changes dramatically from one day, hour, minute […]
Alrighty, here goes nothing. I am trying to not cut, as per usual, and instead of cutting, I find inspirational stories on the web- pictures of healed scars, supportive tattoos etc. Unfortunately I ran into one of those memes that says something about cutters not cutting the right way and why don’t you use a lawn mower and only emo kids cut because they just want to fit in… WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! Cutters cut because they are in so much fucking pain, or they are so numb or so hurt or so damn traumatized that the only way they can […]
I dont know what this is. My heart is beating out of my chest. I’m having a fucking PANIC attack like you wouldnt believe. Someone talk to me. I’ve not felt this since I was 15. This is scary as fuck. Like all my worst realities are going to come to pass because I’m thinking them into existence type deal. That’s not the reality but definitely how i feel.
Hey everyone! I’m still in a barely good shape and still crying for things that shouldn’t even make you feel sad but I decided that I’ll go back writing. Well, it will probably be a run on whether I get crushed by the felling of panic or success to finish this first though.
But I decided that since I only have this I should at last risk it. As long as I can continue I’ll go back to my old routine of being crushed and get up again and again. I might be here a little less but I’ll probably come back time to time! I’m […]
If anybody is out there and struggling with transgender or knows somebody battling these feelings and the intense inner turmoil that comes with this: please give me a shout.
hang_u_lang @ hotmail . com
I’m ready to do something extreme. I’ve never felt this degree of panic or anxiety or intense death. Holy fuck.
Okay, normally I don’t like talking to anyone especially my family but this time I was kinda forced. So me and my sister started to talk and then she mentions taking antidepressants and I just start having this major panic attack and just ran away from home for a couple of hours. I don’t understand why I panicked so much.
if your ptsd ever got to the point where you constantly heard his voice
or compulsively checked email and fb hoping someone cared enough to say hello
no one had your back, no family
bad memories only self hatred hating everything about yourself and your life
nothing did the trick
and all you saw was terror and homelessness around the corner
if even walking you had panic attacks and felt paranoid
if you felt they would soon come and “take you away”
if you felt you didnt deserve to live
if you had night terrors and heard actual voices, if you couldnt have a real partner
if everything you did was futile and left you […]