Sorry for the discombobulated mess

So…hi everyone. My name is Jayden. I…deal with a plethora of problems on a daily basis. I have panic attacks very often and nightmares that make me cry nearly every night. I’m socially awkward…my friend had to ask me quite a bit just to post on this site. But regardless of all my problems…I met a girl who seems to make them all go away. The first time we talked on the phone I didn’t even have a nightmare that night. She means the world to me. We even had an LDR…but it ended after a couple months. But she still helps me with all my problems. But… my depression has slowly gotten worse and I don’t know why. I just don’t want to get out of bed, I have so little energy. I can’t find a reason to be happy. I’ve wanted to kill myself in the past but I realized I can’t because of all I’d be leaving behind. But all thats seeming to do is make what I’m dealing with worse. The panic attacks are more frequent, the nightmares worse, the social anxiety a living hell. All people have told me to do is “hang in there. It’ll be over eventually.” That doesn’t help me! That doesn’t change what I’m going through right now. I’m overapologetic and awkward. I always here “oh i’m here for you, just text me if you need me.” I never can though because of the constant fear that i’m bothering them. I just cannot bring myself to send that text. I know this probably sounds like textbook definition of depression but nothing i try to fix it stops. I’ve tried to not let my depression define who i am but while that’s easy to say when i have moments of courage and confidence, it is harder to act on than i imagined. My life is horrible as of late and all I seem to be doin with it is waiting for someone to kill me so I don’t have to…if anyone reading this got anything out of it please tell me…I could use all the help I can get. I know this entire post is a giant mess…but if you have anything that can help…please tell me. I don’t want to die but it seems more and more like the only option…