Why do I not have the energy or the excitement needed to enjoy myself during the day? What is it about me that drives people away, like I’m some sort of weirdo? I can smile, I can play the part, but it’s all fake and I know it. I’m not going to pretend I’m your best friend, but I don’t dislike your company either, you know? Yet I’m excluded even though I’m not exactly bullied. Summer is my break from that, but it also seems to be a break from my true friends too so far, for the most part. I guess they’re turned off […]
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Just want to first say this:
IF YOU ARE ON HERE READING THIS PLEASE FORCE YOURSELF TO FIND REASONS NOT TO AND THEN COME UP WITH A RADICAL BUT ACHIEVABLE PLAN FOR BEGINNING TO LIVE AND EMBRACE LIFE AGAIN.
YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE, EVEN IF YOU CAN’T RECOGNIZE IT RIGHT NOW.
PAIN, DARKNESS CAN BE OVERCOME.
* * *
Have attempted suicide a few times, most recently 2007 (carbon monoxide, more impulsive and less deliberate) and 2012 (overdose, deliberate and methodical).
2012 was closest to date; received dialysis twice and woke up convinced I had irreversible brain damage. Realize that my resolve to succeed each time is growing and […]
I’ve got a date with a boy (it’s a miracle) but I don’t know when the appropriate time to talk about my depression is. Do I just throw it out there bc it’s such a big part of my life or do I wait?
Before I begin, I just want to tell the moderator that I won’t be making posts which go against the posting rules. Tomorrow morning, I will be making another attempt to hang myself. I was going to do it today but I realised that someone might come home early. This would not have been good for me. I am hoping that I will not be stopped by my fear of the pain. That was what stopped me in my first attempt. Admittedly, I felt quite disheartened by my paralyzing fear and I did not try again for several days afterwards. However, I realise now that […]
so i posted part of my story on april 23rd. so i am miss reputation. before the bullying, i was a popular girl. i’m not bragging but i was a girl that people liked, and i was friends with a lot of people, they were all so nice. but then i fell in love with a boy, and we kissed, and of course he was a jerk and told everyone something else. that gave every boy the excuse to sexually harass me. girls thought i was a slut, and well that made me the perfect target for the girls who bullied me. wow, i don’t […]
She picks up the tiny sharp object,
only to put it back down.
She tries to forget, but only reflects,
so much that she wants to drown.
They think she won’t break
but, oh lord, do they not know?
“I need to explain,” her hand shakes,
“My lowly tale of woe.”
Her heart is a drumbeat beating,
the rhythm is slow and steady.
“Why is life so bittersweet?”
She writes and clutches her teddy.
Hurt has left her feeling alone,
everyone else has done the same.
She wished she hadn’t picked up the phone
that cold september day.
“Slut” the phone spoke,
the words piercing her heart.
“*****” her […]
Let me ask a stupid question again. So I am taking part in this research study on how sports activity affects depressed people. We are 5 participants and 4 jogging instructors, but it was only the first meeting, so apparently more people will join in later. Anyways, some of you may know I am shy. And I was running next to a girl for the first 10 minutes and we said nothing, it was really awkward. Eventually she just jogged past me and started talking to another girl and I ended up talking to another computer science student about technical stuff. It really bothers me […]
I’ve been extremely tired all day. All i’ve wanted to do is sleep. Sleep and not wake up. Just dream the night away. If it happens to be a nightmare…it’s okay because i’ve master lucid dreams. But it’s 1:25AM and I’m wide awake. The part before drifting away to the dream state is the hardest for me. It’s when all these thoughts come to my mind. All these people that have hurt me. All the words I’ve been told. All this negativity I seem to reminisce about. I want it all to go away! I hate hurting because of all the BS i’ve caused myself. […]
I’ve come to accept all this. It’s going to kill me, but I’ve accepted it. It’s just always going to be a part of my life. No running from it. Can’t get rid of it. Just have to deal with it until it’s over.
Or God, maybe you’re the same thing…
Anyway,
Why do you do this to me? The lonely nights where you wish someone was there just to sit next to you and chat in the late hours of the night about nothing in particular. Just to get your mind off of what you want most – eternal sleep.
I have so much love to give and lately it’s been given in the wrong places. Maybe I’ve just come to accept it. That it’s going to be a part of my twisted life. But there’s something about this…like perhaps we were meant to be one day. I don’t know. I […]
Suicide had become so tough now a days.
In future we may come to situation where it is almost impossible for an average person to suicide successfully.
So I just experienced the worst part of my day. Waking up. It’s 1pm and i just woke up. I was dreaming. My favorite pass time.
I honestly don’t enjoy anything else in life. Dreaming is an escape from life…from the depression. I can’t seem to find joy in anything else. I stopped taking my depression medication. I honestly didn’t see any difference.
whaterver…
Following my 3rd suicide attempt, a couple of years ago now, I was asked to take part in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy through my doctor’s surgery. I’d never heard of it and to be perfectly honest, at that time I was so far down into not caring that I suddenly found myself being an outpatient at Positive Steps.
During the early days, I was sure that it was going to be such a waste of time given that they could only offer me 20 sessions at the maximum and come on, I had had 20+ years of slowing being consumed by the negative impact my disability had […]
As frustrating as this back-and-forth bullshit is, today is one of the days I’m glad I didn’t decide to end it (I think). Rainy mornings followed by a world that is glistening, new, and ripe with new life. I feel partially inclined to watch because I’m wont to do that, but something deep inside of me screams to make myself part of it. New life.
Isn’t this always how it starts? Mystification –> disenchantment –> disappointment.
I don’t know which part of myself to give in to. Let myself be happy for a bit, give in wholly, and hope? Give in partially, so later on I don’t […]
I want to die, tonight. But, I’m afraid that someone close would find me. I want to raid my family’s medicine cabinet and drift away in my sleep. But, I’m afraid of the person that would try to wake me up. The sad part is, that no one fully gets that something is wrong with me until it’s something turns into a disaster. But, they will be afraid that it was already too late.
Today i mocked some begging and i am feeling quite confident. How i will approach them, how i will stand there without saying a word, how i won’t look towards the content but only towards the giver when they put something in my bowl. Its the blessing giving part i have trouble with. I have low pitch/hoarse/unclear voice. They won’t be able hear specific words if i bless them in lower tone. Saying blessings loud won’t suit the calm, quiet nature i presented earlier. Normal saying won’t do because he afterall did a favor to me, how i can return it without showing some difference […]
… how much I hurt my ex, I feel suicidal.
I feel like if I were dead that things would be better. Yes, I know this is irrational… but, some part of me feels that if I didn’t exist anymore, that she wouldn’t be sad about me not being with her.
::sigh::
She is 20 years old. She is an Italian & African-American Female.
She goes to school full-time. She she has no time for a job.
She is TRYING the BEST she can to make something of herself, to make a living for herself, so she can live comfortably above the poverty line that her & her family have been stuck in for years.
But she is tired.
She’s looked for God and she believes she found him. She’s seen him in her dreams, she’s seen him hide in nature, she feels him when the sun comes up. Crazy as it sounds, she believes he is all around, and she […]
how much can a brain process? day in day out i only keep thinking and seeking solutions. how does normality feel, what is rest – i’ve forgotten all these things. though i don’t feel like that, but logically speaking, it will explode one day.
i’ve accumulated quite a collection of solutions by now. they can change anybody’s life if he follow them diligently. but then i ask – why don’t they change mine? i think there is a part of me that wants misery, that don’t want to get detached from them, that wants all that evil that they transfer in me.
all that they want from me is to play my part in social gatherings. they don’t want to be embarrassed because of their son. how do they see me? just another dot in this social web. i have all kind of social strings attached to me. i’m a position holder: a son, a brother, the heir of this fucking heritage. and they don’t give me required powers either. they think of me as some lowly being. fuck i hate them so much. just let my sister’s marriage complete and i’m gonna show ’em who i am. just just let me get the opportunity.
why do […]