She is 20 years old. She is an Italian & African-American Female.
She goes to school full-time. She she has no time for a job.
She is TRYING the BEST she can to make something of herself, to make a living for herself, so she can live comfortably above the poverty line that her & her family have been stuck in for years.
But she is tired.
She’s looked for God and she believes she found him. She’s seen him in her dreams, she’s seen him hide in nature, she feels him when the sun comes up. Crazy as it sounds, she believes he is all around, and she even feels him in her heart most days.
But she’s broken down over 100 times, on her knees begging and praying for a better life, crying silently to the point were she can’t breathe, laying on her cold bedroom floor in a ball asking for help. “Give me a sign, please God, anything. Help make it clear so I know that it is you”
And everyday so far she’s come up short. She doesn’t see the signs. She doesn’t recognize his works. To her it seems like he’s just watching. That’s all though, just watching. So her faith is shaken. It’s running THIN
She can admit, She does have plenty of friends. But as cliche as it sounds, they don’t understand what she’s experiencing. Her heartache, her pain, her insecurities, her misery – are all feelings that can not be described thru words to were her friends can understand.
So she doesn’t say much about herself. Its bottled up inside of her. The advice her friends might try to give her, she’s already tried to give herself. If she were to stop faking the smiles she put on everyday, they would see that she is just a completely different person .
Have you ever known somebody that just wines and complains about every little thing? They’re just so sensitive about everything that happens to them? Always talking about their sad, miserable life…and even though you feel really bad for them, its just a little annoying & a little too dramatic for you to be around ?
Well she is that annoying miserable girl – on the inside at least. She does not dare show that side of her, because then she will eventually be SHUT out. She is so numb to the world that she feels worthless.
Sad things do not make her cry, people yelling in her face do not make her flinch, hearing laughter makes her gut twirl. Looking at the ocean doesn’t bring her peace, her favorite things are forgotten, her family doesn’t feel like a family. Her heart is filled with love and care that wants to be shared, but her soul is beaten and bruised.
The best part of her days are at night, and the worst part is waking up in the morning.
Every morning, she wants to go right back to sleep and doesn’t want to wake up ever again. She is constantly considering suicide, but she just doesn’t have the courage.
So she feels stuck. She doesn’t want to continue living, but she is afraid to die.
And She, is Me.
4 comments
Omg that was touching. Im the type that feels the same way but I don’t pretend to like people. I push them away. I don’t want to be asked what’s wrong. If I show emotion it feels so fake. I have been made cold inside by the way I’ve been treated. Like you though I have love to give but am scared to death to let anyone have it cause I know they will use it against me
I’m glad you found that touching. It’s all very real to me. I, too, have the habit of pushing people away. We need to try and change that about ourselves, because not everyone is evil ya know?
She is a beautiful girl who will become everything she fought so hard to become.
One day she woke up and realized that she couldn’t even remember how long it had been since she curled up on the floor praying for signs or woke up in the morning wishing she wouldn’t have.
She is the girl who rose above her circumstances and rather than waiting for something to happen, she went out there and made a better life for herself.
Now she owns a beautiful home and has a beautiful family of her own.
She still feels God everywhere and thanks Him for giving her just enough strength to make it through each day.
She is a survivor, she is happy, and she is YOU.
Its funny how supportive strangers can be. More supportive than the people around me. Thank you, I appreciate your words, & I will take ever word you said into consideration. It helps!