I’m 19 and have been officially diagnosed with major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder for over two years… I’ve been suffering from them for a hell of a lot longer. Meds are not working. Therapy isn’t helping. My best friend is the only person who can help me and she is taking a step back from our friendship because she is too overwhelmed. I think I am bisexual and I know I am completely in love with her, but my family would kill me if they knew about my sexuality, and she is straight and would not return my feelings. She’d most likely just […]
I had a friend in college once who killed herself. She got into a fight with her boyfriend, and, when they broke up, she hung herself. People said, why’d Marie do it? Marie was so special, so unlike anyone else I’ve ever met… how could someone with so much to offer, someone with so much magic and life inside them, just up and kill themselves like that?
But I didn’t wonder why she did it. I knew. I understood completely why someone like that would want to die– or rather — why someone like that couldn’t bear the pain of living any longer.
I’ve always considered myself to […]
i just have to remember ill be gone soon enough. i dont have any money so they wont care, just one more person they dont have to worry about. im so fucking stupid i should have done this sooner but i was to scared. when im alone i feel ok, but when im around other people im constantly being reminded that in im a piece of shit. im not worth anything to any one even if i did have a job and alot of money they still wouldnt care about me, its to late. its time to give up now. im still scared but […]
this was briefly discussed in my last post but i figured id start a new post about it so it can reach as many ppl as possible like the title says i want to try and set up a regular movie night for SPers there a website called rabbit that allows shared streaming from any website and up to 15 ppl to chat while watching whatever if anyone has any ideas on how to make this happen my skype is hiitsme0819 i really hope we can make this happen the website has one main flaw where ppl cant get into the room unless the person […]
Dear myself,
I don’t know if this letter will ever reach you. Some days I can only hope. Other days, I can only laugh at the very idea. If you are still around, will you have a good story to share? A good excuse for your depression? Because I don’t. All I can offer is tiny pieces of a picture so big it’s nearly invisible.
Remember the little girl who used to laugh and sing. She knew no real pain, no real evil. That’s when life was about sun, wind, trees and beauty. Everything was perfect in her world. I still remember she was the happiest kid […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I’m signing up for this leadership thing for school. I know, I know, doesn’t sound like the average fucked-up, depressed, anxious, and compulsive person, but maybe it’s a step in the right direction? Thing is, I’m competing with a ton of other people in my school for this, so we’re writing an essay to see who wins the sponsorship from a local charity. It’s a camp, and I’m just guessing it’s way outside the money my dad and I have, so this is my only chance. What I mean to do is ask if anybody can help me with maybe the direction I want to […]
I’ve been seeing a new psychologist since January and last visit she questioned why I was still seeing Psychologists if I believed my life will never get any better. I repeated what I had told her previously, that I simply want help to give up. I seem to continually hope for something to change but I need to accept that nothing can ever change. She has kept trying to inspire me to start doing things in an attempt to make my depression better with the idea that my depression will improve if I simply eat better, exercise and get more sleep. She will not accept […]
If I was brave enough, I would say this all to your face, but I’m a little bit cowardly. Instead, I’ll write this here, where you’ll never read it.
Don’t let your anxieties get you down, okay? You’re far too wonderful to be burdened with this much shit. I know you want to help people, but you need to put yourself first sometimes.
I’ve only known you two months, but you’ve made such a huge impact on my life. You’re such a kind person, one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. I love spending time with you every day, and if I don’t see […]
from the perspective of the proverbial ‘watcher’ my life is pretty perfect, i suppose. I live in a beautiful house with a beautiful man who tells me i’m beautiful. we’re engaged and getting married. . the natural progression of this version of life, to settle down and squirt out children… for the last five years, no for ever, i have thought that i wanted that. to settle and breed… and everything would just make sense when my life was no longer my own. but i am literally in the process of realising that i DONT actually want this, i have but one life and im […]
I feel as if death dictates our life in an indirect way. An example of this would being doing all of the things on a bucket list in fear of dying without accomplishing anything. Life is very fragile and temporary and we associate many things with importance since we know life would be meaningless otherwise. Science has never touched the realm of death and currently has no theory of what “life” is like after death. The only thing science can offer is the internal and external definition of death. I don’t believe in any particular afterlife so when someone close to me dies I know […]
Follow up from my last post where I admitted to my sister I needed mental help. Usually admitting you need help is a great first step to getting better. I guess that all really depends on who you admit it to, though, and I made a huge mistake in my choice apparently.
The concept is to experience the lives of people who are suffering and trying to find the peaceful pill. It’s suppose to be a positive propaganda game with a deep meaning. A first person adventure, perferrably on a VR Headset.
You get to choose your own adventure based on your own personal experience – you can choose a mode were your severely depressed to the point that’s untreatable (this is were you break out of the psyche ward), a terminally ill individual who is in severe pain, a doctor trying to obtain it for his patient who wants to end there own lives, or trying to […]
Most suicidal people want to die because they are suffering and want to escape the pain. I feel like I’ve overcome my depression, but I still want to die because I think I am not worthy of living. I used to be in an extremely dark place, but now I can feel happiness, but the problem is I don’t deserve it.
So I am socially retarded, diagnosed with Asperger’s. My face and body language barely show any emotion. It’s hard for me to say something as simple as “Hello” or “Goodbye”. I can’t hold or start a conversation, when people ask me questions I literally can’t […]
Excuse the Selfie. I’ll explain why that’s here momentarily. Just bare with me.
How do you know if you’re falling?
Is it the wind rushing
Or your bones crushing
As you stop so abruptly
Is it the pain in your ribs
The numbness in your fingertips
Or the light fading slowly
How do you know if you’re falling?
Is it silent whisper
Or gentle kisses
Under the cover of the night
Is it soft touches
And sweet nothings
Almost inaudible sometimes
Which way am I falling
Am […]
I feel like I’m being a fake person. Now that I’ve started to do my work, trying to focus more and do what is “expected” of me. I go to class, I do my homework. The problem is, I’m not 100% into it. No matter what I’m doing, I find myself wondering why I even bother doing anything. I feel like it’s too late to bring my grades up (it’s past midterms) and I’m failing two out of four classes as a junior college student. I don’t know how to come back from that. I’m scared to talk to my professors about it because I’m […]
I have this friend, for privacy reasons I’ll call her Jane.
Jane victimizes herself. If you don’t know what that mean, it basically means that in any situation she is always the victim. She’s the one who’s been wronged and she’s never wrong. Of course, that isn’t true, we’ve ALL been wrong at one point or another, but she just won’t admit it.
So at the moment we’re in a huge fight, and I really want to remain being friends with her, but she’s driving me insane. I have explained so many times why I’m mad, and she just doesn’t ‘get it’. She keeps telling me I’m […]
Someone I love nearly died a week ago from today. I had a person that I developed a friendship with the past year and a half. They helped me out a lot, and quite honestly they surprised me. But when I was in the emergency room and I called them and texted them that I needed them I got no answer. They never bothered to see how I was doing or what had happened. But they had the time to get on social media but couldn’t bother to reply to me. I almost lost someone I loved and I was alone there was no one […]
This is getting really difficult now.
I had a meeting with the crisis team last Friday, the lady was so lovely I just wanted to say “you could be this amazing person to someone who isn’t visualising themself jumping off a building right now”.
She said she was concerned. That the only thing holding me back from killing myself is the impact of who finds me etc. I’ve read too many things of train drivers who are emotionally scarred by someone jumping in front of them etc.
But it is something I am thinking of less and less as the overwhelming feelings of nothingness take over me.
I feel […]
It’s been a long time since I was last here. About a year and half, to be exact. I thought I was really getting better but in the last few months, everything seems to be spiraling down again. I’ve read that it’s therapeutic to write about it, so hopefully this will help me.
In July, my boyfriend of seven months, Alex, broke up with me. He was everything I had wanted in a person and I woke up everyday with an overwhelming amount of happiness that I thought the years of suicidal thoughts and depression were finally leaving my mind.
If only I knew how wrong I […]