This is the first time I’ve ever publically posted/said that I am in as much pain as I am. I’ve hidden it for years, even when I was a young teen. When I was little I thought everybody had bad days like mine: times when the world looked grey, when even speaking was difficult, when my soul felt sucked from me. I’m too afraid to truly come out and tell anyone around me how I really feel. They’ll all just say “Just put on a smile and look on the bright side” or “It’ll be okay, just buck up”. Can’t anyone see that I can’t […]
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Pool Of Blood
I have officially decided to make sure I kill myself this time. I don’t know exactly when, but it’s going to be soon. Â The only time I’ve tried it was around 6 months ago. I took a pack of razors to the alternative school I was attending at the time, went to the bathroom, and started cutting my arms. I only managed to get through the first layer of skin at first. I knew this wouldn’t be enough to bleed out so I took the razor and started slicing into one of the long wounds I had already made and I hear a knock at […]
I kind of thought that I summed up the feeling of cutting, but I’d like to know if it seems right, because it does for me.
The slices on my wrist hurts
Yet I continue to feel pain
I don’t feel anything, not yet
Go deeper, hurt more, fresh blood.
My thirst quenched but the want
Grows more until I give in
Go another round, getting more high
The touch squeals with untimely pleasure.
I take a breath and sigh
A sweet moan escapes into darkness
As fresh blood sweeps me away
Dripping onto the newly bleached floor.
Drip-Drop, Crack-Smash, loud banging
On the bathroom door, begging me
To stop but I do not stop
No I keep playing this roulette.
Suddenly […]
i lay awake day dreaming
i cant close my eyes
im afraid to sleep
thats where he haunts me now
if i drift off, im tossing and screaming
arms tied up, no way out now
his body pressed against mine
i cant seem to scream loud enough
does anyone hear my cry for help
i pant for one last breath
then he disappears
perhaps to his own room
smile across his face
oh how evil he was
then id lay in my pool of blood
wait until he […]
I keep seeing such horrible images, be they in daydreams or nightmares. Myself, bleeding in a pool of blood. A shot to my head, my body limp on the pavement. An empty funeral home with my body set for all to see, and none to look. I cannot escape this feeling, this notion that I will leave this world alone. Lost in the turning seas of my inadequacies. I keep seeing macabre visions, destitute prospects, a shady future. The grave calls, and death seems imminent.
Maybe I’m not alive at all. Somehow, somewhere, I feel like part of me is long gone. Like the best and […]
i never keep my eyes on the road, i never ask for any help…..i grip a razor to my chest as i cry out his name……the gillering metal in the moonlight sparkles in my face….
i slice through a fresh patch of skin as i scream out his name…no one ever hears my name or calls me in the death of night……yet they wake up and enter my room to find a pool of blood….blood stained roses and hot gun barrels won’t bring him back…yet at night i call out his name and i hear his light voice as a response…..so now i grip my blood […]
your entire life your told your crazy, while the ***** telling you that you are, is beating you to death in your own pool of blood,slamming your head into walls, floors,edges of bunkbed frames,doors,beating you in your privit parts, waiting untill your in the bathroom sitting on the toilet then she walks in and beats you there,tells you that you are nothing every single day of your life, meets guys off the internet, within two weeks, she moves in with them, and you find out , that they are child melesters, and your worker and your teachers that you tell every day dont ever do […]
Pain…its not the sharp or intense pain that is experienced when first separating the skin. No, it’s the dull, deep, and gnawing pain after cutting too deep and you’re waiting for the incision to heal. It’s the long week(s) of paranoia and wearing long sleeves in the summer hoping no one will notice or if they do, praying that they don’t call you out. That’s what it has felt like for me this past month…and i am not quite sure what to think about it all….
Ahh… the bitter sweet recognition of failure. Realizing that all you ever were was in reality, nothing at all… Seeing […]
Things, for lack of a better word, have not been well. A year ago, I met the woman of my dream, an angel, true beauty. We were married and the wine began to flow. I’d find myself needing to leave bars, having put down more whisky and xanax than any normal man should. One night, while in a drunken rage, I did the unspeakable, a slapped that beautiful woman. The look of sadness and pain in her eyes is still etched in my brain. I was arrested and sentences to some alcohol classes. The drinking worsened to the point that we started staying apart several […]