Idk what to say…I guess I’ll talk about what made me the way I am. I’ve been suicidal and a cutter since I being the youngest of ten kids I could never speak up about how I felt. Who’d listen? I was being molested by my big brother…the family secret. When I was ten I finally tried telling my mom what was happening, she promised to make it stop…it didn’t. Every night I’d be in bed and wake up and feel my brother’s hand going up my nightgown. I would kick him to make him go away….I didn’t dare scream for fear my parents would […]
Tag:
realize
I have a wonderful boyfriend, a great job, friends who do care and yet here I am on a Friday night on this website. To the point – i am struggling with coping with everything. A lot has happened recently. Both my parents have been unwell recently. My dad suffered from a heart attack and my mum had a really bad infection. They were both admitted into the hospital and it was only me on my way. My dad was in another ward and my mum was in the other so I had to frequent back and forth to make sure each were ok. It […]
I sit here on my own. Just waiting for someone to realize that I am an island. I wish someone would be brave enough to row out to sea, just to stumble upon me. But instead I sit here, alone and deserted. Minutes, days, months pass without human contact. Just me and my thoughts, swirling around like a hurricane. They batter my mind like wind against a wall, they tear me up by the roots and toss me around like I’m nothing. I guess I am nothing. If an island is never discovered, did it ever exist? I kind of doubt it.
But I will sit […]
I love u so much…..I don’t think you realize how what you do affect me…..you cry I cry, you laugh I laugh…..I would give my life to save yours…..your very existence means the world to me…..your existence is the reason I still exist myself…..if anything ever happened to you a part of me would disappear…..and not just a little part that can be fixed and mended over time…..a giant hunk of me…..a part of me that can never be just taped back together with time….a part of me that would forever be broken…..I don’t know if I would be able to go on wothoght you….The […]
Remember that time when you were truly happy. Truly happy despite all the crap in your life. Truly happy despite the people that wanted to see you sad. Especially happy for the people that liked to see you happy. So incredibly happy, that you didn’t even realize you were happy. You just were there, and everything was more or less alright.
wasn’t that a good time.
…
now you have a burden to carry.its all you can think about.
just tried partial suspension again, but even that i could not go on. it just felt weird and it always seems like i’m dreaming, then i’m hyperventilating and shaking a lot and kind of wake up, hoping that it was all just a bad, horrible dream, only to realize it is not.
not sure if im doing it properly, tho.
Wiki Social Avoidant Personality Disorder & there’s my life.
I have a genetic predisposition to social anxiety, as my dad told me he almost joined a monastery for this reason. I have early childhood emotional neglect from physical abuse, verbal abuse, & hours of forced solitude. Absent father, he was going to college. I have extreme peer group rejection, lost almost all my highschool friends right after due to an incident with ecstasy.
Everyone thinks I look OK. That’s because I’m good looking, I’m healthy because I know cardio & lifting reduces stress, as I have anger problems thanks to both genetics & upbringing again. I’m great […]
I wish this world was the same world it used to be. Back then, everybody was allowed to be happy, now, I rarely see anyone truly happy.
I am one of the people that are not truly happy. I don’t even pretend to be happy anymore. I go through my days in a haze of sorrow. People always ask me what’s wrong, pretending that they care. I always lie and say I’m just tired. My boyfriend doesn’t really know about anything that goes on with me.
My family deeply hates me, because I am different from the rest of the kids. I have one real friend, and she doesn’t […]
I have a sort of big decision to make relatively soon. I hate change, I hate it so much, but it would save me money. I just don’t know how comfortable I’d feel living this way, with other people, when I’m already the world’s most passive push-over. I also pace a lot and need room and time to do that, so I don’t think that the other people I would be living with would like that. I’d also hate for them to figure me out and realize how I truly feel, how dead inside I am and how much this existence bothers me. I don’t […]
An 18 year old, senior in high school. She found a way to survive for 6 years and finally set herself free. The pain and anxiety got to her. The depression ate her alive from the outside in. The tears lay on her pillow case where she suffocated herself the night before. Her father, still the drunk he was before, still doesn’t realize that his screams actually got to her. He doesn’t understand that after every hit, it pushed her off the edge more. Her mother, still the druggie she always has been, doesn’t understand that it’s not easy having a parent that would rather […]
People will say “Don’t kill yourself please! You have so much to live for!” As I look around…I don’t have much to live for. In a world that’s feast or famine, war or waste, hate and debate. It never took me long to realize that suffering was life. You’d be lucky to find someone who chooses to stand with you as you struggle and suffer. This life is all about survival, we call it living to sound more appealing. I knew that if I had to go through this alone, I would not make it because my heart could not break it to my mind […]
Do what your supposed to do all day long; job, education or whatever else. You do it because society wants you to do it. There’s no true freedom if you’re told from the first second you’re on this earth that your life is already planned out ahead of you and you only have to live through it and then die.
Freedom means creativity, means purpose in doing something. A true act of freedom is drawing a sunflower on the back of the essay you’re working on, is wearing a pink hoodie to your bank appointment, is going to sleep without setting the alarm, is saying hi […]
This is my last post, if everything goes well (or horribly wrong, depends on how you see it I guess).
I’m gonna end things this week since some events happened that made me realize the more I prolong things, the worse it’s for me and everyone around me who have to deal with my sorry ass.
I haven’t told anyone but I felt I should just post a little something here. I don’t know.
Anyway. I hope you all the best, whatever the best means for you.
Goodbye
You cut and you wait for them to heal
Its been 5 years. I’m just starting to realize that they never will
i have been an unwanted child of my parents since my birth. My old fukking asshole of a father didn’t realize the mistake that he was going to commit on that unfortunate fukking day. it kind of just happenned and I got fukking born.
Now this is only the start of my fukking life and I have been wanting to kill myself for over a fukking 15 years, but somehow have still not been able to do and am fukking living on.
Have read the peaceful pill over a dozen times, but can’t find the fukking ******** or the fukking exit bag. Have decided on CO death, and […]
I’m someone else. At least that’s what I’ve felt like these past few months. I don’t feel like myself. It is hard to get out of bed. I don’t want to eat. I am unable to sleep. My smiles aren’t sincere. My laughs are half-hearted. I don’t want to be around anyone. I can barely talk to anyone. I can’t be happy. And I don’t want to live.
I hope that something can save me.
I pretend to be myself, even though I haven’t felt like myself these past few months. I get out of bed to eat. I eat because I don’t want to lose […]
Before anyone else leaves a comment on how depression is not discriminatory please go back reread and realize that is not what I said I simply said that it is least expected out of me now go to google type in depression and click images .. Thank you.
i don’t even know why i am writing this really i suppose subconsciously i do i am just so tired of waking up each day with no purpose trying to do something with my life only to realize it holds no meaning in the grand scheme of existence and that ultimately i will always just disappointment myself with my own inadequacies i hate myself and the world for being the way i am i always feel so hollow like i am not even real and that i am no good to anyone it feels like my very existence is being stretched across some medieval torture […]
Lou Tzu once said
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace then you are living in the present”.
But what he didn’t realize is that I may not be anxious, but I am at peace. I am at peace with my depression, my insecurities, my scars, my imperfections, and my horrible thoughts. I may not be living in the present, past, or future, but I am living, and that is all that is important.