Wiki Social Avoidant Personality Disorder & there’s my life.
I have a genetic predisposition to social anxiety, as my dad told me he almost joined a monastery for this reason. I have early childhood emotional neglect from physical abuse, verbal abuse, & hours of forced solitude. Absent father, he was going to college. I have extreme peer group rejection, lost almost all my highschool friends right after due to an incident with ecstasy.
Everyone thinks I look OK. That’s because I’m good looking, I’m healthy because I know cardio & lifting reduces stress, as I have anger problems thanks to both genetics & upbringing again. I’m great at everything I do, & I’m self taught at drums, singing, guitar, & rapping. I’m great at the martial art I was practicing. I excelled in my personal trainer certification class as well.
None of this matters why? I can’t take it to the social level. I initially thought I had approach anxiety with women only, but the more I’ve tried to do, the more brain freeze invisible walls I’ve hit. For personal training, I never pursued the internship after the class. For bands, I never made 1 call to book a show. I never talked with anybody after shows when they’d compliment me, & the parties I was surrounded by were considered an annoyance. I stopped my martial arts training in wing chun right as chi Sao was introduced, as that requires touching & I can’t even get a hug & feel comfortable. I’ve spent 5 years on a musical comedy album, only to not advertise it at all. I’ve wanted to do standup comedy my whole life, & planned to for 5 years but haven’t.
Ive ignored women for over 10 years, as I thought I just had approach anxiety. After leaving my band, I’ve been invited to multiple parties, & at the last minute, freeze with no thought with my mouth open like I’m trying to speak, & eventually break down in tears. I’m too smart for my own good, as I’m aware of the gears at work, yet feel powerless to do anything. I’m aware that people have it worse than me & I can’t be bothered to be helped.
This year, the more parties I’ve been invited to, the more I get depressed by not going. The first one had a “girl for you dude!” & when I ran from that, I stopped all of the activities I love because my “approach anxiety” had risen again & I realized I can’t run from it anymore. I negatively reframed all of my joyous activities as distractions & focused on fixing the problem & tried to go out more. Tried is the key word, & that’s made me realize it’s not just women, it’s any social situation.
The time spent depressed & in suffering keeps rising & the time spent being happy is falling. My anger & my social avoidance are meeting & as every coping mechanism dies as a perceived lie, I’m tortured by my dads insults echoing in my head of how useless I am & how I have no real skills. I have no career because I’m socially avoidant. I have no girlfriends because I’m socially avoidant. No career means no wife & children, no girlfriend means no wife & children, & now I’m working on losing friends from social avoidance.
When I think about it, I do not want to die, but also in confliction, I don’t want to live like this anymore. I’m tortured by my own thoughts whenever Im not preoccupied with some form of BS entertainment, & I’m tortured by all of the potential I know I have. I’m broken, it’s just taken me what’s supposed to be the best years of my life to realize it. I can’t keep ignoring it, yet facing it destroys me. I’m left with the underlying feeling I’ve had my entire life that I can’t explain, & that is the desire to disappear into nothing.
3 comments
I’ve had Social Anxiety for several years now. It’s affected so many aspects of my life that I’ve lost count. I pushed friends away, stopped going to church, shifted my grocery-shopping habits to late-night, became a hermit in my apartment, hid in the back corner of the Library, etc. etc. etc. It’s terrible… and made even worse because it hasn’t always been like this for me. I mention my situation because, like you, I didn’t want to live like this anymore either. It was existing and not living. Late in the game, I got some help. I’ve been working with a therapist. The goal is to get my life back. I realize what I had and I want it back. Honestly, if you can reach out for help, I’d do so. Talk with somebody. Get some advice. You don’t have to become the most social butterfly on the planet… but you don’t have to hide from society either. There is a mid-point. I’ve seen it and I’m trying to re-find it. You have a lot of talent to offer. Remember that.
I’ve had people say, “you aren’t broken.” They mean well but all it does is invalidate the self realization. For me I truly came to the realization about two years ago. And I asked myself, if I don’t want to die and I can’t live like this then what can I do? So I sought help anyway I could find it. I stumbled and fumbled a lot, but my avoidance isn’t as strong as it was. Now I show up and just have to use skills to get past the anxiety. Sure I have a long ways to go but just because someone has a disposition for something doesn’t mean progress can’t be made.
Dude what do you love that’s what I would focus on, keep it simple find something you love in life and learn about it. See I’ve had struggles I think a lot of people have key to keep it simple focus on what you love and enjoy that keeps you vibrant in life. I personally all this complexity get washed away by the waves of simple silence.