Every Tuesday I sit in a therapy office and get told that as long as I take my medicine and think of all the positives I will be, “okay.” Dr. Herr looked at me one day and asked me something I’ve never really thought about before and it completely shattered me..”when were you last happy, when have you felt ‘normal’?”…The last time I woke up and wasn’t terrified to get out of bed and wasn’t so nervous about life tumbling down around me that I had a panic attack, was when I was locked up in a Psych ward. I tried to drown myself in […]
Tag:
safe
That’s what it’s called. The happy moment interrupted suddenly by the painful thought, “God, I’m so stupid, I wish I could die.” It’s so silly, I can’t cross a bridge anymore, or stand near a high window, without it creeping up on me. “One jump, two seconds, splat! It’s all over.” You think that you’re happy, but all of a sudden the sanctuary of your mind is no longer safe. You have to tiptoe around your own thoughts, control the urges, try your damndest to keep it just that. Passive. Because if you take that leap, if you make that plan, if you reach for […]
I don’t understand where the surety of my identity went to.
To lose my husband of 37 years to a car crash that changed the lives of so many is not as consuming and confusing as the loss of my adored, trusted, loving little brother to abandonment. I have loved and been devoted to my brother for all of his 56 years. I trusted his love and devotion to me without question. He is the person I would trust with the lives of myself, my children and grand children. He is the executor of my will and was so for my late husband (in case I died at the […]
By the time you read this again, we may or may not have been together. Somehow I feel like writing this letter to you. We have been through many things. I know you have cried a lot, lost many things, screamed a lot, and died many times. But I need you to know that you are my reason to hold on. You are my greatest treasure and everyday I pray that you will be safe, alive, and healthy. God knows how I have begged him to not let you feel alone, to give me the strength to make up to you what you have lost. […]
Today’s on fire, the sky is bleeding above me, and I am blistered.
I walk these lines of blasphemy, every day…
And still, like a bad star, I’m falling faster down to him,
He’s the only one who knows, what it is to burn
I feel diseased, ¿Is there no sympathy from the sun?
The sky’s still fire, but I am safe in here, from the world outside.
So tell me, ¿What’s the price to pay for glory?
I feel nothing. Detached from myself. This is what you wanted – to feel nothing. In a moment I was so desperate to feel nothing, craving that sweet nothing. The sun will be up soon and I can sleep now. Safe among my nothingness…
Truth is…
I was never good enough. I could never grasp that as a kid, so I kept searching. I kept trying to find somewhere I could be useful, somewhere safe… but the truth is that when you’re a woman, you’re nothing, if not a whore. When you’re black, you’re nothing, if not an animal. If you’re gay, you’re nothing, if not an abomination.
Abused, kidnapped, raped, molested, cast aside. Made to endure hard labor for less than minimum wage. Get hurt, get fired. The world doesn’t honor or respect someone like me. my people being killed and then blamed for […]
I’m at breaking point again. I fell off the rails big time 2 years ago after I was sexually assaulted twice by two different people in 3 months. It took me a while to get back on my feet. I have been to see psychologists and councillors all of which who have different diagnosis and long waiting lists. I thought I could do this by myself but I can’t, whenever I am reminded of either assault in any way I freak out. I’m scared all the time, I’m scared of boys, I shake all the time, I can’t do public transport, I’m just lost.
I’m 23 […]
What is it about truths that we look for them in every aspects of our existences? What makes them to be “the right ” thing? when has any truth ever helped anyone?
The earth revolves around the Sun, that is true, but how the Fuck does that matter. Do we live for the knowledge that the earth’s mundane rotation can somehow give us enlightenment?
The thing about truths is that they depend on your perspective. here’s a case in point, just a few hours ago, I told the woman of my dreams that I had once loved another before I met her. safe to say […]
I have believed ever since i survied a suisied attempt at age 15 that i will live 113 years. i am 50, almost 1/2 way there. every day, i choose to live. i also believe that if i meet God,after a natural death, i will ask it if i could please not exsist . i don’t see myself chill’n with God for an infinit amount of time.
being married helps. so does having 5 cats. i had plants, but plants & cats do not mix.
to the owners of this web site, thanks for the safe place to let this out. i feel about 5 lbs. lighter.
It’s not like I think everyone hates me although I have never been loved by anyone except the people that are obligated to do so. We can’t choose our family someone once told me. If we could…would I have been chosen at all? I know that my absence will be a momentary sadness. I have been alone for so long. Fading in between the lines of their book. Into the crowd, just a forgotten ghost. I don’t even know how to handle company outside of family. Before it perturbed me deeply. But now I prefer to be alone. It is safe, predictable even if the […]
So many what ifs. So many assumptions.
“What if one day we all die? What if one day you leave me? What if I die now? What if I wasn’t born? Will everything be better?”
Beware, be careful. Be safe from your thoughts and divert attention from them. They are dangerous.
“what ifs” are questions that will kill you.
You want to help someone, but you can’t. You try, but everything has failed. You want to give up, but you can’t.
What are you afraid of ? Stop running. Stand there. Stand and be strong. Be strong.
I am your safe haven. I will be your safe haven on earth. It’s okay. Stay with me. Don’t go. Don’t leave me. I will be strong enough for you.
I think.
No. I must.
Haven’t posted in a while. I created a blog to post all my thoughts, though I still lurked here. My blog has been compromised. Someone at work found it, reported it to my manager, and I ended up form 1’d a few nights ago. (Canadian, can’t leave the hospital till cleared by a psychiatrist.) I messed up. I have two blogs, one for my thoughts, one to sell stuff. I made the selling blog known at work, but I stupidly used the same handle for my posts on the other blog. I assume someone googled my handle and found the other site. Sigh, what’s done […]
but they didn’t find anything, you’re safe. good luck to you.
Edit: it won’t let me turn off comments, so don’t reply. thank you.
I dont want sex, I dont want children, nor father or mother, brother or sister. No matter how hard I try to distance myself from others my body craves warmth. I just want warmth, to hold someone regardless of gender, to feel safe even as the world crumbles to dust. No words, no thoughts, just the sound of leaves rustling in heavenly wind, the smell of fragrant flowers eternally blooming in my dream, and the feeling of another close to me as I sleep eternal. Would any of you be so kind as to look pass the base desire for procreation […]
Wow I haven’t been on here for awhile probably because it wasn’t helping much but it felt good to let my thoughts out haha…..anyswirls I’m still suicidal….thinking of committing suicide today actually. Not sure if I am going to though, I can see myself doing it but I’m not really sure if I can you know? I mean it’s not like everyone wants to die , it’s just I get to the point of where it feels like I do. Hmm I don’t make sense. But anyswirls it’s been …a tough week I guess. The guy I like ( oh god no not a […]
My friend Is coming home!!Since you were In some other state,bet you aint leaving Houston anymore!!
written by lifeishorrible
My friend Is coming home someday next week!!!He was suppose to do 2-10 years but he’s coming next week!!!I don’t know why,really I don’t care why!! (I haven’t talked to him or visited him just to be on the safe side)
I don’t know If he’s gonna come back with my phone but I don’t care!!Well that Is the second time the laws kept my phone but owell Its just a phone,my friend Is coming!!I wonder If he has any resentment towards me??
So, I have to write an application essay for a program at school, and it asked to chronically the force(s) the influenced my life direction and decision apply in the first place. The issue is that those forces were having lived in a not always safe situation for most of my life, and kinda wanting to duck out early as a result of it. The problem is I can’t mention that because of the type of program that this is will immediately reject me… and that’s with out knowing that I have had no idea how to consistently keep waking up in the morning for […]
really, its real and it never goes, the addiction to think about ways to kill yourself is so strong, i even dream of it, how peacefully my body will lay, how i will leave everything here and how.. all i have done, all people have done to me will disappear. there will be nothingness and i will sink in the ocean of infinite security. i need this place, i need to feel safe from all the fight, all the hatred, all the people.